


A Question of Virtue

by murmeltearding



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Attempted Sexual Assault, Bad Weather, Ballroom Dancing, Bathing/Washing, Bathtub Sex, Bisexual Male Character, Comfort, Dancing Lessons, Detective Work, Developing Friendships, Disappointment, Domestic Violence, Doubt, Dress Up, Drinking to Cope, F/M, Fairgrounds, Fear of Discovery, Fear of Pregnancy, Fluff, Forbidden Love, Friendship, Gossip, Hurt/Comfort, Impropriety, Inheritance, Innocent until proven guilty, Jealousy, Jewelry, Kissing, Letters, Lies, Literal Sleeping Together, Lovers Fighting, Male-Female Friendship, Medical Examination, Minor Injuries, Money, Nightmares, No Smut, Original Character(s), Post-War, Poverty, Prison, Rain, Raisins, Rape/Non-con Elements, Rough Kissing, SEX! FINALLY, Self-Doubt, Sharing a Bed, Sharing a Room, Shoes, Sickness, Sleeping Together, Stolen Kisses, Stolen Moments, Telegrams, Trains, Unexpected Visitors, Walking In On Someone, Walking together, War, bathing together, being innocent, being shunned, fear of getting caught, journeys, knowledge, learning, no explicit language, ptsd probably, scandal? maybe?, stealing keys, thinking about the past
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 62,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26101957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murmeltearding/pseuds/murmeltearding
Summary: This is the story of how Thomas Barrow finds love. It's not an easy story as he is not an easy character. Drama follows him wherever he goes.
Relationships: Anna Bates/John Bates, Thomas Barrow & Original Female Character(s), Thomas Barrow/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't set in any particular place in the series, I just use whichever characters suit my writing in whatever way I feel like... 
> 
> Also, as I usually write american, present time english, and english isn't even my first language, I know my 1920s british english isn't perfect... my apologies! I still like my story and drama and as I'm already working on the third or fourth chapter, I promise you, I'll make you cry at least once over the course of this! 
> 
> So yea, enjoy the ride! <3

“You will need to be careful around Thomas,” Anna said. “With most everyone else, we’re all good friends here.” The head housemaid shot me a broad smile through the mirror I was cleaning. She was a slight woman, blonde, dark eyes, and a heart of gold that made her prettier than anything else ever could.

I was a little taller than her, but not by much. My shoulders were broader than hers, probably due to the hard work I had done since early childhood, my lips were fuller, my nose slightly too big for my face, my dark hair was braided and put up on the back of my head, as every grown woman was required to.

We were in Lady Mary’s room. Her bed was so big it probably wouldn’t even fit into the chamber I shared with Beth, one of the other housemaids. The mirror was shiny and spotless and didn’t show a single blind spot, not even around the edges.

A comfortable fire warmed up the air; couldn’t have one of the daughters of the house catch a cold after all. Bright morning light came in through the floor to ceiling windows, softened by the sheer curtains.

I nodded at Anne through the mirror. I knew Thomas. He had been the one to bring me into the house after my last employer, an old Dowager Countess, had died.

Thomas and I had grown up in the same village. To say we had been friends would be an overstatement, but we had both been oddballs, avoided by most of the other children our age, if for different reasons; me, because my family was poor as church mice; Thomas, because something about him had always been off.

He wasn’t a nice person, had never been. His mother had died early. His father hadn’t been a kind man. He hadn’t cared much for Thomas, except for when he needed someone to blow off steam.

We hadn’t been friends, but we had definitely been allies.

At dinner in the evening, after the upstairs folk had finished their meal and all us servants sat together in the servants’ hall, Thomas sat down opposite me. He held himself differently than the other servants. As if he was better than them. Born to be MORE than them. I wanted to dislike him for behaving like this, but I couldn’t. Quite the opposite. It drew me to him. I wanted to be like him. His… aloofness, for lack of a better word drew me to him like a magnet.

He was handsome. His livery was always flawless, his work impeccable. There was nothing to tell against him, and yet… over the course of the day, three different servants had warned me about him. It was just like it had been in school. Even as a child, Thomas hadn’t been popular. And yet…

Each warning only made him more appealing inside my head.

Our eyes met a couple times over dinner; when he handed me the butter, when I handed him the salt. And after dinner…

Some of the other servants went straight upstairs to their rooms after they’d finished eating. It had been a long day and we had to get up early again the next morning. I was tired as well, but Anna had asked me to help her with some mending, so we stayed in the servants’ hall, even after dinner had been cleared off, as did Thomas.

He was reading a magazine, obviously having finished his work for the day, and making smart remarks every now and then as some of the other servants talked to each other.

I did my best not to chuckle as he was mean, bordering on cruel with his comments, but I couldn’t help it a couple of times.

He was smart and he knew it.

Anna fondly smiled at me when I couldn’t hold back my chuckle. She was one of those people one simply couldn’t NOT like! Good to the core. Incorruptible.

“So, Kate,” Thomas looked up at me, putting down his magazine.

I froze, needle halfway through the fabric and looked at him, waiting what he would say to me. Had I done anything to make him tease me as well?

“Did you find everything alright your first day?” he said.

Anna stopped moving as well and looked up at him, then to me.

“Umm… It’s very nice so far. A lovely house, nice employers, and…”

“And the nicest of fellow workers, right?” Thomas interrupted, motioning at Anna.

I cleared my throat. “Yes, that too, of course.” I nervously smiled at her.

“I feel like we’ll become great friends again,” Thomas said, drawing my gaze back to him. “We have to catch up some time. It has been so long…”

“I would like that very much,” I said.

“Do you smoke?” Thomas said.

I hesitated. “Y…yes.”

“Come outside then. I’m sure Anna will be able to finish this last bit by herself, won’t you?”

Anna, ever the good soul, nodded. “Sure. Go ahead. We can do the rest of this tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” I said, getting to my feet and following Thomas outside.

It was dark and cold and we were all by ourselves in the twilit courtyard outside the servant’s entrance. Only a small lantern over the door illuminated a small part of the yard.

Thomas handed me a cigarette and lit it up for me before taking one himself.

“So you do remember what we agreed to, right?” His voice didn’t sound half as pleasant as it had a minute ago.

I nodded.

“Anything you can tell me so far?”

I shook my head.

“I hope there will be something of interest tomorrow then.”

“Yes…” Part of me wanted to take a step away from him. Part of me wanted to step towards him. I compromised and stayed where I was.

Thomas took a few silent inhales from his cigarette before he tossed it to the ground, half smoked, and extinguished it under the heel of his shoe before he went inside.

I remained outside a while more, slowly smoking, thinking…

+++

The next few days were spent again, cleaning and tidying up after the family and I quickly fell in a routine with the other housemaids.

The house was so grand, by the time we finished cleaning on one end it was time to start over again at the other. We rarely, if ever, got to see any member of the family and that was how I preferred it. I wouldn’t know what to say to them or how to behave. Having grown up poor, being a servant in a big house was more than I could ever have expected. There hadn’t been any lessons on how to behave in my childhood. Learning to read and write was the best my parents had been able to afford. As soon as I had been grown enough, I had had to work to help feed my family. I still sent half my weekly wages home to them. They needed every penny, even more so since my father had fallen ill.

+++

Thomas didn’t approach me again for a few days. There was a houseparty in attendance that kept him busy with serving as a valet to one of the guests. I couldn’t exactly say I was sad about it. I had no idea how to get any information for him. The gossip downstairs wasn’t of much interest to me and it couldn’t be to him either. As to the upstairs folk, he was in a much better position to learn things there.

It was on a Saturday night, after the houseparty had left that he approached me again. It was late and most of the other servants had gone up to bed already.

We were in the downstairs stairwell when he caught me. “So?” he said, crowding me against the stairs.

I was very aware of how close he was and how it would look if anyone were to find us right there. I looked up at him, swallowing. He smelled good. His icy blue eyes looked terribly tired, but yet, here he was. Downstairs, not in bed.

“I…” I slowly said. What was I to tell him? That one of the other maids was in love with a widower from the village? That the father of one of the hallboys had written to him about coming back home?

Thomas took another step towards me. His hip touched mine.

I licked my lips and noticed his gaze jump from my eyes to my mouth for just one second. He mirrored my gesture and the tip of his tongue darted out from between his full lips.

Something low in my body reacted. I had never been this close to a man before. I was scared of him, but at the same time…

I tried stepping out from between him and the stairs, but he grabbed my wrist. Not hard enough to be painful, but definitely enough to convey he was stronger than I was.

“I don’t know what you want to hear from me,” I slowly said, turning my head to the side.

“People don’t hold back around you as they do around me,” he said, and his breath played over the skin on my face.

A small whimper escaped my lips. I felt myself shake, but not with fear exactly. I wanted to… my free hand moved up of its own accord and I placed it on his chest. The warmth of his body encased my fingers, despite the many layers of clothing he wore. I turned my head back to look at his face.

Thomas looked down at my hand and back at my face as if asking me what I thought I was doing.

I forced myself to move my hand away from him, but he caught me, holding it between us, as he moved closer and pressed his lips against mine.

My breathing hitched in my throat. What was happening?

His kiss was forceful, hard and his tongue against my lips demanded entry. I slowly opened my mouth and he almost dove into my mouth with his tongue, prompting me to answer him. No one had ever kissed me like this before. It was wet and warm and… many things more, neither of them anything but pleasant.

Thomas’ groin pressed against me and I felt a hardness there… and then something shattered in the kitchen.

We broke apart like the pieces of the china plate that had shattered on the floor.

“What did you do now Mrs. Patmore?” Thomas said, moving towards the kitchen as if nothing had ever happened between us.

I was left to look after him, breathing hard, confused, aroused.

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Thomas,” Mrs. Patmore called back. “Daisy, clean this up and go to bed before I lose my patience!”

Her voice grew louder as she moved out of the kitchen, towards me, not even sparing Thomas a glance. “What are you still doing down here?” she said to me.

“I just…” I swallowed. “I had to finish some sewing…” Before she could ask for details, I started running up the stairs, not turning back. “But I’m off to bed now. See you at breakfast, Mrs. Patmore.”


	2. Chapter 2

At breakfast the next morning, I took a chair at the very end of the table. Thomas usually sat in the very middle and I definitely didn’t want to be close to him. Something inside of me told me things would be awkward if I had to stare at him over my meal. I needn’t have bothered though, because he only showed up when I had almost finished my coffee and porridge.

Of course! He’d had to serve his Lordship’s breakfast before he could have his own. Seemed I had yet to learn the schedules of everyone before I could start avoiding people.

Thomas didn’t say anything to me, just sat down and took up the newspaper he had taken downstairs. “Is there any fresh toast left, Mrs. Patmore?” he called, pouring some lukewarm coffee from the pot on the table.

“I will go have a look,” I muttered, not even sure why. It wasn’t my job to serve Thomas.

He looked at me as if he only now noticed I was even there. “Thank you.” His smile almost reached his eyes.

“Stay out of my kitchen, will you?” Mrs. Patmore said, stopping me before I even cross the threshold, carrying in a plate with fresh, hot toast. “Mr. Carson wants you upstairs once you finish breakfast,” she said to Thomas.

“Sorry…” I muttered, making my exit towards the stairs. I had a long day of cleaning ahead of me. We were supposed to do the windows on the first floor today.

+++

“Are you feeling quite alright?” Anna said, as we were working. “You look a little pale.”

“Yes, I just didn’t sleep too well…” I mumbled, hoping she would let it go. I didn’t want to talk to her about what had happened with Thomas last night. I didn’t even know what exactly it had been that had happened.

Had that kiss meant anything to him? Had it meant anything to me? It definitely had made me feel SOMETHING. I had kissed men before. Stolen pecks behind market stalls or at dances in the neighbouring village, but it had never felt like it had with Thomas last night. With the village boys I had always been relieved when it was over. Now, I was craving more. The feeling of him pressed against me…

I swallowed at the thought.

“You’ve been cleaning this pane for ten straight minutes,” Anna said, laughing.

“Huh? I… I’m sorry,” I muttered, forcing myself to smile back at her.

“If you want to talk to me about something, I am here, yes?”

“Yes, thank you…” I stepped up the ladder so I didn’t have to look at her kind eyes any longer. I wanted to tell her, but I wanted to be sure how I felt about it before I told her anything, and even more importantly: I didn’t want her to think me easy or fast. I didn’t know what it was about her that made me want to be a better person. I could never be as good as she was, of course, but I could always try.

Anna, bless her heart, didn’t push any further. She kept on talking about this and that, so I only had to nod or give an occasional mutter of approval every once in a while. It didn’t exactly get my mind off the kiss, but it gave me something else to think about, at least for a few minutes.

+++

I went outside the servant’s entrance once we were done, sitting down on an overturned bucket in a sunny spot to have a cigarette in peace.

It couldn’t have been more than five minutes when Thomas appeared out of nowhere, stepping into the sun.

“You’ll soil your skirts, sitting there,” he muttered, lighting up a cigarette himself.

“I won’t,” I muttered, motioning at a corner of my tissue I had put on the bucket before sitting down.

“Smart,” he said, stepping out of the sun and turning so it shone on his face as well. The small movement brought him very close to me and I felt obliged to get up as well, despite my aching feet.

He turned his head and looked down at me, a small smile playing around his lips. So he DID remember something had happened between us yesterday. He’d had me half convinced I had made things up inside my head.

A small shuffle brought his arm against mine. I moved against him just the tiniest piece. If anyone happened upon us, we could always say we were sharing the spot in the sun. Not that what we did was proper in any way, touching a man one wasn’t married or related to was always frowned upon, but it would only be half as bad, if we had a reason for standing close as we were.

I wished he would put his arm around me, turn towards me, kiss me again, but no such thing happened. We just stood in silence, arms touching, smoking, letting the sun warm our bodies, when we could have warmed each other so much better.

I closed my eyes and found myself talking. “Old Mr. Molesley from the village is sick,” I muttered.

“I heard. Sad business that.”

I nodded. Was this the kind of gossip he wanted me to tell him about?

“Anything about Anna and Bates?” he asked.

Alright. THIS was the kind of gossip he wanted to hear. He knew I’d spent all day working with Anna, and Bates was one of Thomas’ particular favourites. Those two didn’t see eye to eye with each other and nobody had been willing to tell me why, so far.

“No.” Anna had been talking while we’d been cleaning, but I had been too preoccupied with what had happened last night to pay much attention. Had she even mentioned Bates?

They were freshly in love, so she probably had. Still… I couldn’t tell Thomas I hadn’t paid attention because I had been thinking of his lips on mine of course, so I left it at that. “No.”

“Shame,” he stepped away from me and tossed the butt of his cigarette to the ground. “Just remember, you owe me.”

I nodded. “I…” I know of other ways to repay you, was what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak the words. It wasn’t ladylike. Not that I was a lady, not by far, but offering myself to him… no.

“You?” he prompted.

“I will do better. I promise.”

He nodded and went back inside without another word.

+++

The next morning, I was dusting the artwork in the entrance hall when one of the hall boys came running towards me, carrying a folded piece of paper before him like it was a torch that would light up his way.

“This just came for you,” he said, handing me a telegram.

I looked around to make sure no member of the family was close before I opened it. We weren’t supposed to attend to personal business upstairs, but a telegram could hardly mean good news and I didn’t want to wait.

“FATHER TURNED FOR THE WORSE – DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER – COME HOME IF YOU CAN” the note said.

I had known this message would come sooner or later, I had simply suppressed the possibility in my mind. Gripping the feather duster in my hand, I took a few moments to gather myself.

Thomas chose just that moment to come into the hall. “His Lordship is…” he started, then saw my face. “What happened?”

I didn’t know why, but I held the telegram towards him. It was none of his business, but I needed to share this news with someone. And he knew my father after all. “I have to go home.”

“Come downstairs,” he said, taking me by the elbow.

We almost ran into His Lordship who came into the room through the door right next to the servants’ stairs. “Is everything alright?” he said, upon seeing us.

“Kate has had some bad news,” Thomas quickly explained.

“Anything I can be of assistance with?” Lord Grantham said.

I shook my head at him, breathing heavily. “No my Lord, but I…”

“She needs to go see her family,” Thomas interrupted me. “Her father might not have long.” Without asking my permission, he held my telegram out for Lord Grantham to read.

Lord Grantham looked at me before he started reading. “May I?”

I nodded.

He quickly scanned the few lines. “You have to go immediately. Don’t worry about Mrs. Hughes.”

“We are from the same village your Lordship. I think I should go with her,” Thomas said.

Lord Grantham’s face changed for just a moment, betraying slight annoyance over losing two of his servants because of one dying man. I must have looked really horrible though, for he nodded after another look at me. “Go. You may use the car to take you to the train station,” he said.

“We…” I started, about to decline his offer.

“Thank you my Lord,” Thomas said, squeezing my arm. “We will go right this minute.”

+++

Half an hour later we were in the car. We would cut it close, but we were planning to catch the train leaving at 11:34.

Thomas hadn’t said a thing since we’d climbed into the car, him riding in the front, as a servant ought to, me sitting in the back, simply because there wasn’t enough space in the front and squeezing together while the back seat was empty seemed silly.

It was an odd feeling to see Thomas out of his livery. He was still impeccably dressed, of course, but had exchanged the black and white livery for a dark brown suit of a much rougher material. The pants he wore looked softer and the shirt wasn’t starched for a change. It suited him.

I wore a plain light blue dress, the fabric washed out and thin in places. I could technically afford a newer, nicer dress, but I didn’t see why I should spend the money when I would rarely get to wear it anyways.

Now, I kind of wished I had spent the money. I didn’t want Thomas to think of me as poor still.

+++

Only when the train had been moving for a couple of minutes I got up my courage to ask “Why are you helping me?”

Thomas put on his broadest, fakest smile. “Out of the goodness of my heart,” he said.

I wanted to ask him to be serious, but my bout of courage had been short-lived.

We sat in third class, next to each other, our elbows occasionally touching as the train rattled along the tracks.

It was pleasant; almost pleasant enough to get my mind off of my sick father. He hadn’t been well for a couple of years now. My mother had been the one to shoulder his responsibilities on top of her own, while raising four daughters. My second oldest sister Jasmin and I were old enough to go off and work to send her some money. Our third sister, Rose, had gotten married two years ago and moved away. We hadn’t heard from her ever since. I couldn’t exactly blame her. It would have been a simple way out, to leave it all behind.

Our childhood hadn’t been an easy one. My mother hadn’t been very affectionate towards anyone and my father had rarely been home when he had still been able to work and bound to his bed after he hadn’t been able to any longer. He had fallen ill so long ago, I could hardly remember him out of bed. It hadn’t been a bad childhood exactly, but it also hadn’t been a very good one.

Still… if my father died, my mother would lose the house and her and my youngest sister, Florence, would be homeless.

“Try to relax,” Thomas suddenly said, bringing me back to the present. He took my hand from where it had cramped on my knee and put it on his own arm, placing his free hand over it.

I took a deep breath. “Thank you,” I said.

“For what?”

“Everything. Getting me a place in the big house, talking to his Lordship for me, coming with me… I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you.” The last was said towards the window and in so low a voice I wasn’t sure he had even heard it.

I felt him move towards me but kept my gaze fixed on the landscape outside. “We will figure something out,” he said, face close to my ear.

A shiver went through me. Figure something out… yes, he probably would. The question just was: would I like it?

+++

We switched trains in York and I sat at the window seat again, upon Thomas’ insistence. We were closer than was proper, but that was due to the size of the train seats. And in any case, no one knew us here. People might as well think we were married. I liked the thought.

Thomas had bought a newspaper in York and was reading it. I had brought a book, but preferred looking out the window. I hadn’t been home in so long… The landscape seemed quite different already, even though we had only been on the rails for two hours.

A particularly loud noise from the train made me jerk up. I blinked a couple times. I must have dozed off. Thomas looked over at me, putting down his newspaper. “Are you quite alright?”

“Yes, just tired…” I said, looking out the window.

A minute later, I jerked back up again. I rolled my neck and tried to get more comfortable in the uncomfortable train seat, but couldn’t find any place to rest my head.

Thomas didn’t look at me. He was all focused on his paper.

I leaned my head back once more and…

… when I woke up again, my head rested against… something. Something that felt warm and quite nice against my cheek. Something that smelled clean and fresh.

“Sleep well?” Thomas said when I pulled up to sitting. My head had been resting against his shoulder.

I blinked a couple of times and reached up to rub my face.

“Yes…” I slowly said. “Where are we?”

“Almost there,” he said.

“Sorry, about…” I motioned to his shoulder.

“I’ve survived worse.” This time his smile reached his eyes.

I looked at my hands in my lap, ashamed for letting myself go like that around him.

My gaze fell on the small scar on the ball of my thumb and my mind went back to my family. I had gotten the scar when I had tried to put some oilcloth over a broken kitchen window in the house when there hadn’t been any money left to have it fixed. Paying the doctor and buying father’s medicine had taken all the money my mother had been able to make that winter, mending the neighbour’s clothes, selling knit stockings.

I hadn’t seen my parents since I had taken my first position with the Dowager Countess, four years ago. It seemed like an eternity.

Thomas brushed a piece of lint from his knee.

His father had died a few years ago. He didn’t have anything that bound him to the village any longer. He didn’t have anywhere to stay. Had he planned on staying at my family home? I looked at him. He looked almost posh, out here in the countryside with no Lords and Ladies to compare him to, almost too good for third class.

Maybe allowing him to come with me hadn’t been a great idea. Maybe… I shook my head. He hadn’t exactly given me a choice in the matter.

Why had he been so insistent on coming with me?

Thomas folded his paper and turned towards me. “It will be alright,” he said, noticing my unease.

I nodded.

He reached for his cigarettes and offered me the pack.

“Why are you so nice to me?” I whispered, taking one.

“We are friends, are we not?” He lit up my cigarette and then his own.

“Yes?” I slowly said. Were we really though?

“Friends help each other.”

I swallowed. Friends… What about that kiss then? Did he kiss all his friends like that? I highly doubted it. I closed my eyes at the thought. That kiss…

The train slowed down. Thomas got up and took our bags from the overhead rack. We hadn’t brought much, since we would only stay the one night and only because the journey was too far to take it twice in one day, but Thomas insisted on taking my bag anyways.

Nobody was waiting for us when we got off the train, since we hadn’t found the time to telegraph anyone when we would arrive. It wasn’t far from the train station to my family’s house so we had planned to conquer the last part of the way on foot, which would have been fine if the weather had remained as nice as it had been in the morning. But it hadn’t.

What had started out as a slight drizzle after we had changed trains had grown to an outright downpour. Neither of us had brought an umbrella, not that it would have done anything in the icy wind that made my dress billow around my legs. I wished I’d remembered to take my thicker overcoat. I hugged myself as we hurried towards the small lean to that served as a marker for the Winterton train station.

“What now?” I asked once the train had moved off and we were able to hear each other again. Thomas and I had been the only ones to get off in Winterton and we were all alone. He took a step against me and I suddenly was that much more aware of this fact. All alone… nobody around… We could…

“Only two choices,” he shrugged. “We wait or we go.” He pulled his hat lower on his head so the wind wouldn’t catch it.

I hugged myself, shivering. “Let’s go then,” I said. I wanted to be alone with him, but not like this, not freezing to the bones. My hat could take the water, as could my coat. I reached for my bag so I could shield it from the rain with my body and because I didn’t want him to have to carry it for me. Making him walk the muddy road to my family home was bad enough.

+++

We arrived cold and soaked through.

The house looked as bad as it had when I had left. Still I was glad when we stepped inside. It wasn’t warm exactly, but at least it was dry.

“Kate?” My mother exclaimed. “I didn’t think you’d be able to come! You should have told us! And who did you bring? Is that the Barrow Boy? My how have you grown!”

I took off my coat while she helped Thomas with his, fussing over him like he was her long lost son.

“Come to the oven where it’s warm! I will put on some tea,” she said, bodily pushing him in front of her as if he needed a guide through the tiny room.

I hung our coats over the two old kitchen chairs and put them to the oven as well, hoping they would dry.

My father was in his bed, asleep. He looked thinner than he had when I had last seen him. Smaller somehow. His illness was clearly taking its toll.

“It is so nice of you to have joined our Kate for the journey. When your father died, I didn’t think we would ever see you here again,” my mother said. “Why have you come?”

“Kate was very distressed when she received your telegram. I didn’t want her to take the journey all by herself and an old friend of mine still lives in the area.”

An old friend? This was the first I heard of this. Who was he talking about?

“I thought I would go see him later.” Thomas finished.

I looked at him as he took the shabby cup my mother had put before him. This was mothers’ good china and yet, I felt ashamed to make him drink out of it. Even the servants’ china in Downton was so much nicer than this…

“Well thank you for watching out for our Kate in any case. Will you be staying the night?”

“I wouldn’t want to impose,” Thomas said.

“And you?” Mother said, turning to me.

I hesitated. What was she saying? “Well, I can hardly go here and back in one day, can I?”

“No, of course not, it’s only…” She looked around the room and I realized some of the furniture was gone. There would be no place but the floor for us to sleep on.

“I will… stay at the pub,” I said. I hadn’t realized money was still so tight, but if my mother was forced to sell the little furniture they had…

Thomas quickly finished his tea and left soon after, promising he would inquire at the pub to find rooms for the night for both of us.

I stayed with my family for the afternoon. Florence had found a place working for a wealthy farmer in the next village. She only came home on her days off, so I wouldn’t be seeing her while I was there.

The house seemed smaller than it had, even when my sisters and I had still lived at home. The gloomy weather outside made it feel almost claustrophobic. My mothers’ behaviour didn’t make things any better.

She didn’t make a secret of how disappointed she was with me for not having brought Thomas to tell them we were engaged. “He’s a handsome fella, that one. And you were such great friends when you were children. Does he have anyone?”

“I don’t know, mother,” I said, fighting to keep the annoyance out of my voice.

A groan from my father’s room thankfully spared me from further questions. I wordlessly got up and walked to see him. He looked at me for a second and then again.

It took him a moment to recognize me, but a weak smile appeared on his face. “Kate! You really came!”

“Of course!”

I sat with him for a while and helped him eat. He was weaker than when I’d last seen him.

We talked about everything and nothing, until a fit of coughing made him send me out. “The doctor says it’s infectious.”

I nodded and got up, taking great care to wash my hands before I did anything else. My mother was sitting by the window, knitting; fingers moving so quickly I could barely follow her. I wanted to say something to her, anything, but didn’t know where to start, so I just sat with her for a while, in silence.

It was depressing.

The thought I would be able to leave again tomorrow was a relief.

“Do you need me to send you more money?” I asked, motioning at the bare furnishings. “I have food and board at the big house. I don’t need anything for myself.”

Mother shook her head. “All the money in the world won’t save us. You would do better to forget about us and make your own life. Catch that Thomas, make him marry you! He will be a good husband.”

I didn’t want to admit to her that I would love to do just that, so I got up, fighting back the tears this sad, sad house brought to my eyes and kissed her on the temple.

She didn’t look up from her knitting as I took my coat and carpetbag and left.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate finds out... things... things that are anything but proper.   
> Her behavior isn't either.

The weather hadn’t changed for the better and my damp coat didn’t do much to warm me. I hated to admit it, but I was glad I didn’t have to stay the night in my parents’ house. I would look in on them tomorrow morning, but that was about as much sadness as I could bear.

I didn’t know where Thomas’ friend lived or who he even was, he had never mentioned a name, after all, but that was just Thomas. He loved secrets. Keeping his own and finding out others’.

I moved quickly, keeping my head low against the rain. It was quite a walk from my family home to the pub in the middle of the village and the cold seemed to find its way through my skin and to my bones.

A noise as I passed the first bigger farmhouse in the village made me look up. A moan. In pain? Maybe an accident had happened and someone needed help. I took a few steps off the road and hurried around the corner, the wet grass slippery under my feet. There, half hidden by an elder tree, something moved. Someone. Two someones.

I froze when I realized what I had walked in on. This wasn’t an accident. Far from it. Thomas and another man… Thomas and Mr. Evans… Kissing, touching each other, their hands… It took me a few seconds to pull my eyes away from the scene. This was too… I had never thought such a thing was really possible. Two men…

Slowly, careful not to make any noise, I moved back towards the road.

I was confused. Men touching each other like that, their pants down between their knees… it was against the law. It wasn’t possible!

I must have seen something else and made things up… Thomas wasn’t a sodomite. Or was he? No! Impossible! He had kissed me. And he had liked it, hadn’t he?

I hurried towards the pub, barely feeling the rain on my face any longer. 

Should I tell the Constable? But I hadn’t even been sure I had seen what I thought I had seen. I was all lost in thought as I got the key to my room and went upstairs.

A narrow bed stood by the wall, a table with two wooden, uncomfortable looking chairs by the window. A basin and ewer sat on top the small wardrobe, in front of a mirror that had so many blind spots they might as well throw it out and be done with it. The picture on the wall must have showed a landscape some time long ago. Years of smoke had yellowed it to a point that made it almost unrecognizable.

Despite the obvious age of the furnishings, everything looked clean, thankfully and I was reasonably sure no bedbugs would bite me.

A fire had been lit and it was pleasantly warm. No matter how close to the fireplace I got though, I couldn’t seem to warm up all the way.

The images of Thomas and Mr. Evans kept spooking through my head. Had they really…?

It had gotten fully dark by the time I was ready to go downstairs to get something to eat and maybe a big glass of beer or, even better, whiskey.

The main room downstairs smelled of old sweat and cigarette smoke. Men of all ages were sitting around tables and playing cards. Some women too. Most of the faces seemed vaguely familiar, but I wasn’t in any mood to catch up with anyone. Not after… I swallowed.

I sat down at a table in the corner, hoping no one would recognize me. So far, no one had approached me to catch up, which I considered a good sign. Maybe I had been gone long enough for people to forget about me.

The hot stew the barmaid served pleasantly filled my stomach and warmed me up all through. The beer settled my head.

I ordered a glass of whiskey and took it upstairs to my room. It was too noisy downstairs and I needed to think.

What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to do anything? Or should I just pretend I hadn’t seen anything? I didn’t want to send Thomas to gaol. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I didn’t mind who he did… things… with, as long as it made both parties happy. He hadn’t had an easy life. He deserved some happiness.

Hours later, I was already in bed, in my nightdress, hair down, reading by candlelight, when a hard knock on the door of my room brought me to sitting. “Who’s there?” I asked, trying not to sound as startled as I felt.

“Me,” Thomas called. “Let me in.”

I wrapped the blanket around myself and slowly got up. What did he want? If anyone saw him come into my room…

“What…” I started when I opened the door but stopped myself. Thomas looked awful. Clothes dirty, face bloody, hair ruffled. He pushed past me and slammed the door shut behind him, turning the key in the lock.

I hadn’t finished my whiskey and he took the glass and downed it in one swig, putting it back on the table so hard, I thought it might shatter.

“What happened?” I asked, carefully moving towards him. I wasn’t sure how I should behave towards him. He was still the same man he had been this morning and yet…

“Nothing,” he said and sat down in the chair closer to the fire. He took off his jacket and weakly hung it over the back of the chair.

“Are… are you sure?”

“Yes, for fucks sake!” He leaned his elbows on the table and buried his face in his hands.

I carefully straightened his discarded jacket, just to have anything to do. The shoulder seam had split. What had he done? Who had done this to him?

Thomas didn’t move, except for… he started shivering. No, not shivering. Sobbing, silently. Was he crying?

I put the blanket around his shoulders, careful not to disturb him, and sat down on the other chair. After a moments’ hesitation I put my hand on his shoulder. Even if he was a sodomite, he still was something like a friend to me.

His sobs intensified, shaking his whole body.

“Thomas, what happened?” I asked again, softly. “Let me help you.”

“You wouldn’t understand…”

“Did Fred Evans do this to you?”

He froze and looked up at me, eyes wide and red, breath going heavy.

“I… I saw you this afternoon,” I whispered.

“You saw nothing!” he said.

“Thomas… I…”

“Shut up!” He got to his feet and grabbed me by the arm, dropping the blanket to the ground.

I drew back. He wouldn’t… “I won’t tell anyone,” I whispered.

He held on to me a couple seconds more, staring down at me, breathing as if he had ran up a flight of stairs.

“I promise,” I continued.

“You don’t have proof!” he weakly said.

“No, I don’t.”

“You won’t tell.”

“No, I won’t.” I said again.

He let go of my arm and slowly sat down again, never taking his eyes off me.

I swallowed, but managed to resist the urge to look away. “I will get us something to drink and then you can tell me everything, if you want.”

“Why?” he looked at me, face twisted with fear and sadness, seeming absolutely devastated.

“Because we’re friends, no?” I smiled at him weakly and put my hand on his shoulder again. I wanted to hold him tight, to wipe away the sadness, but I couldn’t. I felt like he was a scared rabbit that would run away if I did anything wrong. Holding him would be wrong… too much.

“Thank you,” he said, voice so low it was barely audible, and some of the tension seemed to leave him.

I put on my boots and overcoat and went downstairs to get us some more whiskey and food for Thomas.

Back upstairs, Thomas was still sitting by the fire, face hidden in his hands. I put the tray with food and drinks on the table.

“Did you eat?” I asked, filling our glasses.

He shook his head without looking up.

“Eat. It’s not as good as Mrs. Patmore’s cooking, but it will fill your stomach.”

He sniffled and finally looked up at me and at the table. He didn’t touch the bowl of stew, but got the custard instead, eating it with his fingers.

I laughed. To see him like this… All fallen apart and careless for appearances…

He stopped midmove and looked at me questioningly. The cut on his eyebrow had stopped bleeding, but a bruise was clearly visible around the eye and cheek. His nose must have been bleeding too.

“Don’t let me disturb you,” I said, getting up so as to give him some privacy. I put my overcoat onto the hook by the door and put the blanket back on the bed. It left me in my nightclothes with a man I wasn’t related to, but after the day I’d had…

A knock on the door made Thomas look up.

“I ordered hot water,” I said and opened.

A young girl brought inside an ewer that looked much too heavy for her. It made me glad we had running water in every bathroom in Downton Abbey. I didn’t fancy carrying hot water to the Ladies’ rooms.

I gave her a coin from my coat and she left us alone again.

Thomas put the food to the side and got up to inspect his face in the mirror.

“You can always say you defended my honour,” I muttered, guessing his thoughts. His Lordship wouldn’t like a bruised and battered footman. Mr. Carson would like it even less.

“About that,” he muttered. “They only had the one room available.”

I froze. “But… there’s only the one bed.”

“I was aware of that, yes.” He looked at me through the mirror as he poured some water into the basin. “I told them we were engaged to be married,” he said.

I still didn’t move. My mother would have kittens if she heard about it. And she would hear about it, of that I was sure. This was a small village and nothing much happened to entertain people.

He straightened his back and turned around to look at me. The topmost buttons on his shirt were undone and I saw his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed.

I wasn’t sure what I should say. Part of me wanted to share a bed with him, part of me was incredibly scared by the thought. Would he…

Thomas closed the distance between us and took my hands, gentle this time.

“I won’t do anything,” he said. “Friends, remember?”

I slowly nodded, feeling very exposed all of a sudden. Freeing myself from his grasp, I went to put the blanket around my shoulders again, wrapping it around myself like a shield.

He finished his toilette and poured the used water out the window once he was done. He stayed by the window looking outside when he started talking.

“We used to be lovers, Fred and I,” he said. “Back when we were only boys.”

I sat down on the bed, waiting, listening.

“When I heard you were going home… I knew I needed to see him again. See how it would feel…”

“And how did it feel?”

“Like no time had passed at all… at first. Then his wife walked in on us.”

My heart skipped a beat at his words. “And…?

Thomas slowly turned around. “And he acted like I had forced myself on him. No longer the willing participant he had been when… I thought he’d feel the same as I.” His face was twisted with sadness.

“He probably does, but… it’s against the law,” I muttered.

He nodded again, taking a few steps towards me. He looked incredibly tired. “What kind of law forces a man to deny half of himself?”

“Half?”

“I am drawn towards both, men and women,” he explained. “Does that make me a bad man?”

I shook my head. It didn’t. “So, when you… that kiss we…” I whispered, not sure how to finish my sentence.

He sat down on the bed, next to me, taking my hand, interlocking his fingers with mine.

I swallowed, waiting for him to speak.

We were so close. I could see the individual hairs of his eyelashes. I could feel the warmth his body radiated… and then his hands travelled around me and pulled me against him. And he kissed me. Again.

Deep and hard and desperate. Full of need.

My hands wandered around him of their own accord, dropping the blanket. He was so warm. So soft, so full of need.

Again, his tongue demanded entrance and I willingly parted my lips, letting him kiss me as deeply as he wanted. I felt his hands on my back, only the sheer fabric of my nightdress separating his skin from mine. And even that felt too much. I wanted his fingers on my skin, with nothing in between.

He pushed me backwards until my back touched the mattress.

And suddenly he was on top of me.

I froze. No. This was wrong. I couldn’t. What had I been thinking?

“Thomas, no.” I managed to say.

He pulled back, propping himself up on his arms. He was beautiful in that moment. Illuminated only by the fire, shirt half undone, lips raw and swollen, and yet…

“I can’t,” I whispered, tears filling my eyes.

He remained where he was for a second longer as if waiting for me to change my mind and then pulled back, turning his back towards me. “It’s alright,” he said, getting up from the bed.

I got up as well and followed him to where he stood facing the fire.

“I… don’t have anything but my virtue,” I whispered, putting my hand against his back, touching him with the barest tips of my fingers.

“I know.”

“I will sleep on the floor. I don’t mind. You should take the bed.”

He turned around. “Let me sleep with you. Please. I need... I can’t sleep alone tonight.”

I had thought he would be mad after my refusal. But he wasn’t mad. What I saw in his face in that moment was real longing, real need. Not for fornication, but for human contact, for closeness.

Of course. He’d had his heart broken today. He’d been accused of forcing himself on someone and had been caught… He needed a friend.

I sighed. “Make sure the door is locked, will you?” I muttered.

Sharing a room with a man I wasn’t married to was bad enough. Being found sleeping in the same bed with him…

He moved towards the door while I went back to the bed. I crawled under the covers and watched him take off his shoes. He held himself with the air of a man who had lost everything. Again, I wanted to hold him, to make him all well again. And this time I knew he wanted it too.

I turned away when he took off his pants.

The bed creaked under our combined weight when he climbed under the blanket and wrapped his arms around me from behind. I stiffened. Our bodies touched from shoulders to knees. I had never lain like this with anyone but my little sisters when we had been children.

It was… comfortable. “Do you have enough space?” I whispered, just to say anything.

Thomas didn’t answer but pulled me against him even tighter.

I intertwined our fingers and held his hands against my chest, simply because it felt like the right thing to do.

It didn’t take us long to fall asleep. We had both had a hard day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved loved loved writing this chapter! I think it turned out so so good! I'm so proud of the raw emotions I put into words... It almost made me cry!   
> I hope you felt the same! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our young lovers got closer over night... not without its consequences

I woke up with the first light of morning. Thomas had rolled onto his back and his hand dangled off the bed. Pushing up to my elbow, I leaned over him and pulled his arm up and over me, my head coming to rest on his chest, eyes closing again.

It was an odd sensation to be allowed to remain in bed for once.

We would take the train in the early afternoon and go back then, but for now, it was just the two of us.

Thomas’ heartbeat was slow, his breath even. He was still asleep. The thin fabric of his undershirt gave me an idea of the coarse hair on his chest. I closed my eyes and wondered what it would feel like under my fingers.

His arms tightened around me, still asleep, but he pulled me closer against him with his arms and the one leg I wasn’t resting on, which brought my thigh up over his hips… and against… something hard. I looked down the length of his sleeping form and swallowed. The bulge in the blanket was bigger than I had imagined it would be. How was this supposed to fit…

Thomas took a deep breath and sighed as he woke up. It seemed to take him a moment to remember where he was and who he was with. I didn’t move and pretended to still be asleep.

Feeling him kiss the top of my head made me want to cry out with joy. What a way to start the day!

His hands around me started to wander, down over the length of my upper arm, over my waist and towards my hip, pulling my thigh up just a little bit farther so it was pressed against… the hardness. He seemed to enjoy that.

He left his hand to rest on my thigh and seemed to settle in to sleep a little longer when a knock on the door startled us awake.

“Open the door!” Another hard knock.

I dropped all pretence of waking up slowly and looked up at Thomas, eyes wide. Who wanted him at this hour?

Thomas freed himself from my embrace and got out of bed. He waited for me to pull the blanket up to my nose before he opened the door.

“Who’s there at this hour?” Thomas asked before even touching the doorknob.

“Constable Williams from the Winterton Police,” the hard voice answered.

Thomas hesitated for a second, collecting himself. “How can I help you, Constable?” he said, opening the door. He held himself with as much dignity as if he were in his livery, not in his underclothes. Impeccable, always.

“You Thomas Barrow?” the Constable asked only to answer his own question a second later “‘Course you are… got your father’s face. We received a complaint about…” He interrupted himself when his gaze fell on me. It took him a second to recognize me. “Kate Green? Well, I’ll be… Were you with Mr. Barrow all night?” he asked.

I slowly nodded, giving him my most innocent look.

“Did you…” The policeman trailed off, obviously uncomfortable with the question.

“Constable, I really don’t know what this is about,” Thomas said, “But this is beyond indiscreet. I don’t believe I’ve done anything wrong. Spending the night with an unmarried woman might not be entirely proper, but it’s not a crime, as far as I remember.”

“Sodomy is. We received a complaint early this morning about you forcing yourself upon another man. But I see now, it must have been a mistake.” The Constable looked Thomas up and down and seemed to notice the rapidly shrinking bulge in his underpants. “Please excuse the interruption,” he said and moved out of the room backwards.

Thomas wordlessly closed the door behind him but leaned against it visibly shaken. We were both breathing hard, despite neither of us moving.

I had been caught in bed with a man, out of wedlock. I was ruined. I could lose my place in the house over this if this made its way to Downton.

And it would.

Gossip moved fast.

My family had no means of supporting me. I would end up on the streets… And I hadn’t even done anything but sleep all night long. I felt my teeth starting to chatter.

“You just saved…” Thomas started, but stopped himself when he noticed my distress. He made a few quick steps towards the bed and sat down on it, taking my hands.

“I’m ruined,” I whispered. “No one will have me now.”

Thomas was visibly taken aback by my words.

Tears filled my eyes again and this time there was no way I could stop them. This was the worst thing that could happen to any woman in our day and age.

“No!” Thomas said.

“No?”

“I… You saved me. Will you…” It visibly pained him to continue. “I will be your husband… if you will have me. I won’t have you pay for my mistakes.”

“What?”

“Will you marry me?”

“What? Yes… No… I… this wouldn’t be right!”

“What?”

“No! I don’t want you to… to do this out of a sense of obligation.” I pulled my hands out of his grasp, suddenly feeling angry. How dare he? After… He would despise me for the rest of his life if I made him marry me.

“I am going to have breakfast at my family’s house,” I said, getting out of bed. “I’ll pay you my half for the room when we’re back in Downton.” I hastily got dressed behind his back and combed my hair before tossing the few things I had brought back into my bag.

+++

At 1:30 in the afternoon, I was standing under the lean-to on the train station again, waiting. My father had been a bit better this morning and we had even taken a short walk outside. Maybe he wouldn’t die just yet. Maybe he had another year or two… Or maybe not. Only god knew.

I didn’t know if Thomas had taken an earlier train back home or if he was still at the pub. I didn’t want to think about him as I took the few steps up into the waggon and settled down for the journey. Yet, my thoughts kept coming back to what had happened over the past day. I felt closer to Thomas and at the same time I felt so far away from him… It was unbearable.

+++

I got off the train in York with some time to stretch my legs before the connection to Downton would leave.

Walking up and down the length of the train station and outside helped me clear my head. No one knew what had happened. I was a stranger here, all by myself. I was free.

If word really made it to Downton and they would let me go, I could see myself in York, working at a pub maybe, or even as a secretary, if I had a lot of luck.

The weather had cleared up a bit today and weak sunshine warmed me as I strolled through the streets and past stalls and stores.

On the corner, a pub had its windows open to let in some fresh air. Not many patrons were inside at this hour, but the few that were more than made up for it.

I had to step to the side as one of them was bodily tossed out by a broad-shouldered man. “And don’t you dare come back, bloody arsehole!”

The drunk staggered a couple steps and I had almost moved past him when I realized who he was.

Thomas. How long had he been drinking? And how much? Didn’t he realize he couldn’t drink away his sadness?

I moved towards him and caught him by the elbow while he was still standing, weaving, deciding whether to fall over or not. I had never seen him like this, all dishevelled and down on himself. He was still in his ripped jacket and his hair was unkempt and ruffled. The bruise around his eye had darkened over-night and his hat was gone. He looked positively vagrant.

“Thomas,” I muttered when he tried getting out of my grasp. “Let’s get you home.” Again, I was reduced to act like a mere acquaintance around him when all I wanted to do was to pull him close and kiss him and tell him everything would be alright.

I knew though that this would only make things worse. I was very probably playing a big role in how he felt. “Come.”

He looked as if he wanted to say something but seemed to think better of it. He let out a deep breath and let me lead him towards the train station.

There was nothing I could have said to make things better. He staggered and swayed so hard I had to apologize more than once when he ran into people on the street. Once the street was broad enough I pulled his arm around my shoulder so I could better control him.

I wanted to slap him for acting like this.

I wanted to kiss him to make the pain go away.

Instead, I did nothing, just walked.

What would I tell Mr. Carson when I brought Thomas home, drunk and bruised?

Mr. Carson wouldn’t like that one bit. Thomas could even be sacked because of it. What a trip this had been… ruining the both of us. We should never have gone. I cursed that damned telegram.

And yet, thinking back to how we had woken up this morning, together, like we belonged…

“Careful,” I said when Thomas half stumbled over the kerbstone. I held on to him a little tighter. People went out of their ways to avoid bumping into us. I couldn’t blame them. It was too early to be this drunk.

The train, thankfully, was waiting on the platform, engine lazily steaming, and I got Thomas up the few stairs and into a seat.

I sat him in the window seat this time so as to more easily keep him under control. He leaned back and closed his eyes. He could have looked relaxed, but instead, he looked broken and sad and tired.

Thankfully it only took him a couple minutes to fall asleep. He started snoring softly and his head rolled onto my shoulder.

Good.

Sleep would help sober him up.

+++

Again, we hadn’t had the time to inform anyone of our arrival and we had to walk back to Downton.

I didn’t mind. It would give Thomas more time to collect himself. He seemed much better, was walking by himself mostly and only occasionally reached out for me to steady himself. He would be well again in the morning.

The day had gotten late and the sun was about to vanish behind the horizon west of Downton Abbey by the time we arrived. Mrs. Hughes was in the servants’ hall as we passed it. Her smile froze on her face when she saw Thomas’ dishevelled state.

“Dear Lord, what happened to you?” she exclaimed, looking Thomas up and down.

I had realized on the train, Thomas hadn’t had his bag when I’d picked him up in York. “Someone tried to rob us,” I lied, before Thomas could say anything, “Thomas went after them, but he didn’t get his things back.”

“So you’re a right proper hero,” Mrs. Hughes assessed. “Come, sit down! Mrs. Patmore, tea if you please.”

Thomas smiled at her weakly.

Mrs. Hughes words had drawn others and faces appeared in the entryway, some looking concerned, more looking smug. Thomas really was no one’s favourite. No one’s but mine.

“Mrs. Hughes, can I take him upstairs? To his room?” I asked.

Thomas still hadn’t said a word.

“Yes, of course. You’ve had a trying day, Thomas. You need to rest. I will send up a tray with tea and sandwiches and tell Mr. Carson we are still one footman short,” she said.

“He won’t like that one bit,” Mrs. Patmore said, coming into the Hall.

“I… could serve instead of him…” I slowly said. I had served at all the meals in my old place. I knew how to do it.

“I’m afraid this won’t do at all. A maid serving… Mr. Carson won’t have that. But I appreciate the offer. Take Thomas upstairs and look after him. I will call for the doctor.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Thomas said. His voice sounded croaky. “All I need is a good night’s sleep. Tell Mr. Carson I will be fit again to serve breakfast.”

“I will be the judge of that,” Mr. Carson suddenly said.

We all looked up at him expectantly. He took in Thomas’ dishevelled state and stepped to the side, gesturing at me to take him upstairs.

We had barely left the room when the whispers started. I wanted to be annoyed with them, but figured, I might as well get used to it. Once word made its way to Downton, things would get much worse.

Thomas was almost walking on his own again and only held on to my arm for pure decorum as we ascended the stairs to the servants’ quarters.

I had never been on the men’s side of the door. It looked much the same as the woman’s side though, so I knew where to get water for Thomas once he had settled in his room. He had been serving at Downton for much longer than me and therefore didn’t have to share. His room seemed like pure luxury to me, even though the furnishings were much the same as in the room Beth and I shared.

I left the door wide open, as was proper, and turned my back when Thomas started undressing. I knew I should leave. It wouldn’t do to get caught with him… again… but I didn’t want to go just yet. I wanted to say so many things to him…

“I…” I started, once he was settled in bed.

Thomas shook his head. He patted his bed besides him and I sat down, nervously looking towards the door. It was silent out in the corridor.

“Thank you,” he said. “You saved me twice today. I will not forget that.”

I swallowed and licked my lips to say something, but he was quicker.

He sat up and pulled me towards him, kissing me deeply. My hand landed on his chest and I wanted nothing more than crawl into bed with him and stay right there. We had been interrupted too early this morning.

This thought brought me back to the real life and I pulled back. “Rest,” I muttered, forcing myself to get up when all I wanted to do was to stay. “I’ll see you in the morning.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gossip has caught up with Kate faster than she'd hoped... with it come consequences.

On any ordinary day, Mr. Bates served as Lord Grantham’s Valet. The two had been in the army together and Lord Grantham had hired him despite the rest of the staff protesting against it, claiming, Mr. Bates’ limp made him unfit to serve.

It didn’t. Not as long as Lord Grantham was home in Downton.

When it came to travelling, Mr. Bates found, he couldn’t quite keep up, as his having to walk with a cane made it hard for him to carry more than one case at a time. On these occasions Thomas accompanied his Lordship.

They took off to London the day after our arrival back home, where they’d stay for a couple of days.

It brought the bruised and battered Thomas out of eyeshot of the Ladies of the house and no one would mind the way he looked in London.

No one seemed to mind him being gone either. No one but me. I missed Thomas terribly.

+++

It was on the second day after his Lordship and Thomas had departed. Up until then, no one seemed to have found out about what had happened in Winterton.

Something happened on that day though. I noticed the change immediately: silent, judging glances, whispered conversations that stopped when I entered a room, the way no one would sit next to me at dinner…

I did my best to ignore it. It was probably nothing but my mind playing tricks on me. Yes, that must be it.

The next afternoon was my half-day off.

For the first time since I’d arrived in Downton, I was looking forward to getting out of the house. The walls seemed too close these days. Too… narrow. My half day gave me the chance to get out and breathe.

I walked down to the village early in the afternoon, breathing in the fresh air. The scents of summer slowly gave way to the scents of autumn. The first brown and red leaves hung in the trees and slowly danced down to the ground. The street from the Abbey to the village was speckled with them. It was warm still, but it would get colder soon. Autumn hung in the air.

The seamstress in the village wasn’t a particular artist. She was a simple woman making simple clothes. Just the right fit for me. Still, since I’d never had the chance to have a dress made for me especially, going to see her was a treat. I got to choose the fabric, plain purple with paler violet stripes, and the cut. My measurements were taken and written down and the seamstress told me to come back in a week for a fitting.

The day was still young and I didn’t want to go back to the big house, so I bought a raisin bun from the local bakery and went to sit in the sun in the town square. It wasn’t too warm, but with my wrap around my shoulders it was pleasant enough.

Slowly eating my bun, picking out the raisins, I was so far within my own world, dreaming of my new dress and wondering whether Thomas would like it, I didn’t even take heed of the stranger that sat down next to me.

“You’re working at the big house, ain’t that right?” he said in lieu of a greeting.

I looked over at him, taking a second to come back to the real world. “Yes. I’m a housemaid.”

He wasn’t particularly handsome, with a crooked nose that had probably been broken a couple of times, tan, almost leathery skin and a full head of pale hair, even though he was a couple years older than me. A farmer or farmhand probably, if his worn clothes were any indication.

“Miss Green, right?”

I blinked. How did he know my name? I was new in Downton, alright, but was a newcomer really so important as for everyone to find out their name? “Yes, and you are?” I slowly said.

He didn’t answer, just moved closer towards me. “I heard about you… and your… approach to life,” he said, lowering his voice.

I moved away from him on the bench, but it was only so far I could go. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sir.”

“I think you do.” He moved closer again and this time there was nowhere I could move but to get up. So I did just that.

“I’m afraid I have to get back to the house,” I said. “It was a pleasure meeting you.”

He got up as well, grabbing my elbow. “Back to work already? I’m sure they can spare you for an hour longer.”

I tried pulling my arm out of his grasp but he held on, strong enough to bruise. “Let go of me, Sir! I really need to go back.”

“I have a much better idea. Come with me, I’ll make it worth your while.”

“I really don’t…” I started, trying to pull away again. He held fast, pulling me even closer, putting his arm around my waist. This was more than improper. I looked around for help, but not a soul was about.

He started walking, pulling me with him.

“Where are you taking me?” I asked, still struggling against his grasp. His fingers dug into my waist, the other hand was still firmly on my elbow. “Just somewhere a little more private.”

More private. It dawned on me what he had in mind. I did not like his idea, not one bit.

The harder I struggled against him, the firmer his grasp became, painfully digging into my flesh. “Help!” I called out. Nobody seemed to hear or care. Where was everyone? “Help!!”

“Shut up, will you!” He jerked me against him and pushed me into a narrow space between two houses. It was damp and cold and smelled of urine. Filth littered the ground. “Not a word more,” he said, pushing me against the crude, cold stone wall, hard.

“Please let me go,” I whimpered.

He pressed his groin against me, pinning me in place before he kissed me. His lips were rough. His badly shaved beard scratched over my skin and he tasted of cheap gin and cigarettes.

I turned my head to the side, closing my eyes and he moved on to my neck, kissing me, his hands moving up to knead my breasts.

“Let me go…” I whimpered again, silent tears running down my face.

“What… Kate?” A familiar voice from the street.

The stranger looked up but didn’t take his hands away from me. “Bugger off!” he shouted.

“Anna!” I called, struggling against him. “Anna!”

“Hold still!” he ordered, pushing me back into the wall again, so hard I saw stars for a moment.

“Kindly let her go, Sir!” Anna said, striding closer. She seemed tiny, but at the same time, I had never seen anyone look so fierce, so determined.

The strangers grip on me eased. I wanted to run to Anna, to safety, but he pushed me back, in the other direction, I stumbled over a stick on the ground and almost fell.

He strutted towards Anna and reached out for her. I couldn’t let this happen. Frantically looking around for anything I could use as a weapon, I found the stick I had stumbled over. It wasn’t thick, but it was better than nothing. I ran and brought it down on his shoulders and back with all the strength I could muster.

“You fucking…!” he called, turning towards me, but I pushed him to the side and ran past him, to freedom. I wanted to fall into Anna’s arms, but we couldn’t stop. We had to get away or he’d have us both.

We ran towards the town square and only stopped when a crowd of church goers emerged from the hallowed grounds and we were able to loose ourselves in them.

Anna took me by the shoulders and made me look at her. “Are you alright? Did he hurt you?” she said, eyes wide with worry.

“No,” I whimpered, not sure which question I was answering.

She pulled me against her in a tight embrace for just a second before leading me away, back towards Downton. To safety.

“It’s alright,” she whispered, holding my elbow, gently, rubbing my back. “Nothing happened.”

I couldn’t stop myself from shaking and shivering all over. My teeth were chattering, but she was right. Nothing had happened.

We hurried back and only stopped once we were inside the safe walls of Downton.

“Sit down,” Anna said. “I’ll make you some tea. It will calm you down.”

I couldn’t sit. I felt too… dirty. I needed a bath. I shook my head at her. “I…”

Anna nodded, not needing words. She understood. “Go upstairs then. I’ll check in on you later.”

“Thank you,” I wanted to say, but it came out more as a whimper.

Anna sent me a weak smile and turned away, as Mr. Carson was coming into the kitchen.

I left. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say.

I bathed and went to bed early, pretending to be asleep when Beth came into our room late. I didn’t want to talk.

Beth didn’t bother being silent and even turned on the overhead light as she got ready for the night. At one point, she bumped against my bed so hard, the frame squeaked. I couldn’t help but feel as if she was angry.

+++

“Mr. Carson wants you in his office,” Daisy said, as I came down the stairs into the kitchen the next morning.

I frowned. What did he want from me? I took a right turn towards his office, knocking as I came to it, even though the door was slightly ajar.

Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes were both inside, chatting. They looked up at me and Mr. Carson indicated a chair for me to sit.

“Did I do something wrong?” I said, slowly sitting down, looking between them.

“Did you do anything wrong, indeed.” Mr. Carson said in his slow, measured speech.

I focused on Mrs. Hughes. Of the two, she was by far the more approachable and less scary one.

“What did you do in the village yesterday?” Mrs. Hughes said.

I swallowed. “It was my half day.”

“Yes,” Mrs. Hughes agreed.

“I… I went to order a new dress and then I had a raisin bun in the village square,” I slowly said.

“Anything else?” Mr. Carson asked.

I slowly shook my head.

“How is it then that you were seen with a villager, in an…” he cleared his throat, “intimate embrace.”

I blinked at him. “I…” What was I supposed to say to that?

They waited for me to fill the silence, but I couldn’t.

Not while Mr. Carson was there. “I… Could I… talk to Mrs. Hughes alone?” I asked.

“So you were with a man.” Mr. Carson said. It wasn’t a question, but a statement.

“I would really like to talk to Mrs. Hughes alone,” I repeated.

“Well, if you think this will make your situation any better…” Mr. Carson said, slowly getting up from his desk.

Mrs. Hughes waited until he had left and closed the door behind him. “So?”

I swallowed. “I… met a man, but… but not…” I wrapped my arms around myself. I couldn’t tell her. “Anna… she…” I sniffled as tears started filling my eyes.

Mrs. Hughes gently moved towards me. “Beth told me she didn’t want to share her room with you any longer, as she fears she’ll be tainted by association.”

I looked up at her. “But… I didn’t do anything.”

“Can anyone account to that?”

“Yes! Anna! She… she saved me.” My voice broke at that last part.

“I will talk to Anna then, but for now, you will have to move into another room.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” I whispered. I wanted to tell her what had happened, but found I couldn’t get the words out.

“As much as I would like to believe you,” Mrs. Hughes said, “but you have only been with us for two months and you have yet to gain our trust. You understand this, do you?”

I nodded.

“We can’t have this house tainted because of the behaviour of one housemaid.”

I nodded again, looking at my hands in my lap.

“Word has found Mr. Carson and I that we did not like to hear. We won’t do anything about it for now. Not until anything is proven. I can’t make any guarantees about his Lordship though. If he decides to let you go…”

“No!” I interrupted. “He can’t! I need this place!”

“What his Lordship can and can not do is not for us to decide.”

“But…”

“Enough for now,” she cut me off. “You will move into the room at the end of the corridor. It hasn’t been used in a few years, but we don’t have any other space available. You will have this afternoon to bring it up to standard.”

I swallowed. I wanted to tell her what had happened in the village. I wanted to tell her what had happened in Winterton and why there was gossip about me, but… I couldn’t. Not without telling her about Thomas’ secret.

Either he was ruined or I was. I was up the creek without a paddle… and through no fault of my own.

Life wasn’t fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When editing this chapter I noticed there isn't any Thomas in it... I hope you'll forgive me!


	6. Chapter 6

My new room was small and cold and drafty. There was a spot on the ceiling from where water leaked through the roof and the window wouldn’t open properly.

I angrily cleaned everything as well as possible, disturbing and killing at least a hundred spiders and other various critters, and tossed my few possessions into the old, wobbly dresser, pretending not to notice Beth’s gleeful gaze as she passed by my door, perfectly coincidentally of course.

The only remotely good thing was how I now had my own room and didn’t have to share with her any longer.

Thomas and his Lordship came back in the evening. Since Mrs. Hughes had given me the afternoon to get settled in, I didn’t bother going downstairs.

I was angry.

At myself, at the world, at Thomas.

How was it I had to bear the consequences when I hadn’t done anything even remotely wrong?

+++

Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves at dinner as Thomas told tales of London. He visibly enjoyed being the centre of attention and built his tales up to probably twice the excitement they had really been. I tried to listen and enjoy myself as well, but I couldn’t.

Everyone was acting differently towards me and it disturbed me. The whispers still hadn’t stopped. The seat next to me had remained empty until Anna took it, bringing Mr. Bates to sit opposite me. Had she told him about what had happened? I didn’t dare look him in the eye for fear of seeing pity there.

I finished dinner quickly and was about to go back upstairs, to lick my wounds alone by myself when Thomas stopped me. “Have a smoke with me,” he said.

“I’m tired. I’d like to get to bed.”

“Don’t be like that. Come join me,” he insisted, smiling at me. It seemed a genuine smile. The first one I had seen all day, except for from Anna and Mr. Bates. Friends were few and far between these days, so I followed Thomas outside.

“Anything happen while I was gone?” he asked.

I shook my head in annoyance. What kind of question was that? “Don’t you know already?”

“I don’t. That’s why I’m asking.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

He took a step closer, the cool and calculating look on his face replaced by real concern. “What happened?”

“Someone had word from Winterton.” I said, crossing my arms.

He stroked a hand over his face in exasperation. “Who?”

“I don’t know. All I know is I got to move to a new room because Beth is scared she’ll be tainted by association,” I found myself say, “And farmhands in the village would like to…” I took a deep breath, “… to join in on my ruination…” I pressed my lips together, hard, biting the inside of my cheek so I wouldn’t cry out.

“What!”

“Someone tried…” I couldn’t finish the sentence.

Thomas grabbed me by the arm and I winced and pulled away. My bruises were still fresh and painful while the ones on his face had almost faded.

“Who?” he asked.

“He didn’t tell me his name.”

“We have to go to the police!”

“No!”

“Why not?”

“Nobody will believe me… they’ll say I invited him to…” I shook my head and focused on the tips of my boots.

He swallowed hard. “My offer still stands.”

“What offer?”

“Become my wife! It will make these things go away!”

“Do you love me?”

He opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again.

“Then my answer hasn’t changed. I won’t make a man who doesn’t love me marry me,” I said, even though I knew he was right. Things would stop once I had a ring on my finger. Everything would be easy.

“It’s not far from friends to lovers…” he said.

I shook my head, looking to the ground. “No.”

Thomas swallowed. I tossed my cigarette to the ground and stomped it out under my heel. “Good night,” I said.

+++

The night in my new room could only be described as uncomfortable. It was so cold, I had to get up in the middle of the night and get a second blanket. In the quiet I could hear the critters in the walls, eating away the house around me. I was tempted to pry open the window, despite the cold, just to have some noise to tune them out.

In the morning, everything had a slightly damp feeling to it. Did Mrs. Hughes really expect me to stay in this chamber?

I got dressed and went downstairs.

“You look tired,” Anna said.

I didn’t want to snap at her. She was not at fault for anything. “Yes? Well, I am…” I muttered.

Mrs. Hughes looked at me over the table, then at Beth. She didn’t seem happy with the situation either.

“Anna, will you join me in my sitting room after breakfast?” Mrs. Hughes said.

“Of course,” Anna nodded, smiling at the other woman.

Mrs. Hughes nodded and drank the last of her morning coffee before getting up.

A few minutes later, Thomas came into the Servants’ Hall, after having finished serving his Lordships’ breakfast. He sat down on the chair next to me, which was, again, empty.

I started when he put his foot against mine under the table, but quickly caught myself. He didn’t love me… and yet, there he was… associating with me, talking to me, even touching me.

Anna finished her meal and got up to join Mrs. Hughes.

They would be talking about me. Suddenly my porridge didn’t taste right any more. I got up and put the half eaten bowl onto the tray to be cleaned off.

I was supposed to clean the guest rooms in the east wing today. On my own, since Anna had deemed me sufficiently learned.

I slowed down when I passed Mrs. Hughes Sitting Room. Muffled voices could be heard from the inside, but I couldn’t make out the words. I had to trust Anna was telling the truth and would pull my head out of the hangman’s noose.

The door opened just as I had passed and Mrs. Hughes stuck her head out. “Kate, there you are! Come, join us,” she said, waving me inside.

I swallowed. This couldn’t mean anything good.

Anna smiled at me from where she sat and motioned at the chair next to her to sit down.

“What happened to you was horrible,” Mrs. Hughes said, not losing any time. “I’m sorry I made you go through it again.”

I swallowed.

“I believe in your innocence, but still, word from Winterton stands against you.”

I didn’t know what to say. Should I tell her the truth? I had to tell her something. “I… I couldn’t stay at my parents’ house… Thomas couldn’t either. So, we… we went to stay at the local pub.” I paused, looking around, searching for the right words. My gaze fell on a key cabinet next to the door. It was a beautiful piece with elaborate carvings on the front, two birds carrying some kind of banner.

“And people saw you go upstairs together?” Mrs. Hughes helped me out.

“Yes, that must be it,” I quickly agreed, focusing back on her. “They knew who we were of course, from us having grown up there… and they must have added one and one and made three.”

Mrs. Hughes nodded. “That will probably be it.”

“Yes!” I sniffled. She believed me! Relief flooded me and made me dizzy for a second.

Anna put a reassuring hand on my arm.

“Alright,” Mrs. Hughes said. “That ugly business is settled then. You can stay. If his Lordship should say anything to me, I will tell him everything I found out.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Hughes!” I exclaimed. I wanted to hug her.

“Not at all. Veritas vincit, as the old Romans used to say!”

+++

It had started raining outside in the afternoon and my room was colder than ever when I stepped into it in the evening. A puddle of water had formed on the floor, dripping from the dark spot on the ceiling.

With a sigh I got one of the fire buckets from the corridor and put it under the leak.

Being proven innocent was only the first step. I had to get Mrs. Hughes to put me back in one of the good rooms, now I was up in her graces again. I wouldn’t survive winter in this room.

I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours and yet, sleep wouldn’t come. It was too cold and my mind was too busy. It kept wandering to Thomas. I hadn’t yet gotten a chance to tell him about my triumph.

I rolled over once more, hugging myself and was reminded of the night I had spent with Thomas. How warm I had been, how comfortable…

Without consciously deciding what to do, I sat up in bed. I got up and reached for my morning gown, padding through the corridor to the door that lead to the men’s sleeping quarters on silent feet. I wanted to be with him.

Slowly turning the knob I huffed when I realized it was locked. I needed the key… The beautiful key cabinet in Mrs. Hughes office came to mind. The key had to be in there.

I took a few steps away from the forbidden door, towards the staircase and stopped. Did I really want to risk everything I had won today again so quickly?

Thinking of my cold, drafty room made my decision easy. I didn’t want to go back there. I wanted… Thomas. His warmth, his comfort, his company…

Taking a deep, reassuring breath, I moved past my room and towards the stairs, hurrying downstairs on bare feet, stopping every now and then to listen if anyone but me was afoot.

Everything remained quiet. The whole house was asleep.

Before the door to Mrs. Hughes room downstairs I stopped again. It would probably be locked. She wouldn’t leave her Sitting Room unlocked all night. I almost turned around and discarded the whole idea, but… it was so cold and uncomfortable… and the dripping from the bucket… I found myself reaching for the doorknob and turned.

The door snapped open.

I stepped inside and closed the door almost all the way, leaving it open just far enough so I’d hear if anyone else would come downstairs. I didn’t know how late it was. Maybe the kitchen maids…

Didn’t matter. I opened the small cabinet and quickly scanned the neatly labelled keys until I found the right one. I took it, put it in the pocket on my morning gown and ran back upstairs.

It felt like the whole thing hadn’t taken me more than a minute and I found myself standing in front of THE DOOR again, breathing heavily.

My heart almost stopped when I put the key into the lock and turned it. The lock opened with a snap and I pulled the door open.

The men’s corridor was noisier than the women’s. Snoring sounded from many of the doors and it made me bold, as I walked towards the door to Thomas’ room. _Mr. Barrow_ was written on the nameplate in neat, cursive handwriting. The second nameplate beneath it was empty.

I stepped inside, silently closing the door behind me, and hung my morning gown over the chair, the key to the forbidden door safely in the pocket.

Thomas lay on his side, blanket drawn up to his ears, fast asleep. His room wasn’t too warm either but it was dry. The bed was narrow but I knew we would fit. I carefully lifted the blanket and wormed my way into blessed warmth.

Thomas woke with a start. “What…” he exclaimed.

“Shhh…” I whispered.

“What are you doing here?” He didn’t sound pleased in the slightest.

“I… missed you.”

“How did you get over here? You’ll get us both sacked.”

I swallowed. Had the whole thing been a mistake? I didn’t dare move, for fear it would make him send me away.

He lay silent as well, breathing quietly and I knew he would send me back to my room. I simply knew.

A minute passed and another. He didn’t say a word, his body remaining rigid and unmoving.

I was just as tense.

 _Please don’t send me away,_ I found myself thinking over and over. _Please don’t._

And suddenly, his body softened against mine and his arms wandered around me. His breathing deepened and he nuzzled his face against the back of my neck, taking a deep inhale. He shifted against me, adjusting his position so I could lie with him comfortably. His grip around me tightened.

A small sigh escaped my lips when I allowed myself to relax against him. How could something so wrong feel so, so right? I took one of his hands and brought it to my lips, kissing the palm. It was warm and oh so soft against my skin. Nothing like the rough, calloused hands of the farmhand… I tensed. No. I couldn’t let my mind allow wandering in that direction. I was here, with Thomas, safe and sound.

His lips against the back of my neck only underlined that fact. His breath played over my skin as he spoke. “We have to be careful.” He freed himself from our embrace and got up to place a chair under the doorknob.

I watched him, my eyes well-adjusted to the darkness, and when he moved back towards the bed, I turned so I would face him. This left a little less space for him to lie, but we managed. Our foreheads touched, our eyes locked on each other, the blanket pulled up to both our shoulders. I didn’t dare move, just watched him watch me, waiting what he would do.

He licked his lips and I wanted to kiss him… those soft, warm lips… I wanted to…

Thomas’ hand moved under the blankets, finding my arm and slowly sliding down until he found my hand. He pulled me against him and placed my arm around his waist, his own hand coming to rest around me in the same position, moving up and down on my back. I couldn’t think of anything more pleasant I had ever felt in all of my life.

I slowly started moving against him as well, exploring the rise and fall of his body, and suddenly found my hand entangled with the hem of his shirt. I hesitated. Could I dare to…

He noticed my hesitation and pulled his shirt up so I could move under it.

Skin.

Warm, smooth skin.

A pleasant shiver ran through my body. He had the smallest amount of hair at the small of his back, but upwards from there, he was all smooth warmth.

So focused was I on the sensation of what his skin felt like under my fingers, I started when he pressed his lips against mine.

“Everything alright?” he breathed, pulling back.

“Yes, just…” I didn’t finish my own sentence but kissed him again instead, pulling him against me. My leg wrapped around his hips in an attempt to come even closer. It brought my nightgown to slide up to bare my knee.

His hand moved downwards, touching my bare skin, and pushing my nightgown up even farther, baring my thigh, fingernails greedily digging into my flesh.

A pleasant shiver ran through my body and again, I noticed the hardness at his groin press against me. We were so close, all by ourselves… I wanted to… could I? I had to touch it. I knew he liked when I did that.

I pulled my hand to his front, still under his shirt, hesitating just a second on his stomach. Should I move up or down? I wanted to touch all of him!

Pushing against him just a tiny bit, I made him roll over on his back. He seemed to enjoy that as well, as the hardness in his pants started to kind of pulsate against me and grow even more, if that was possible.

I climbed on top of him and let both of my hands wander under his shirt, revelling in the feeling of his skin under my hands, the coarseness of the hair on his chest, the softness of his stomach.

He gave a soft moan and the hardness in his pants poked against me from below. It felt nice. Very nice. I wanted… more of that. But…

I knew how the sex worked. I had seen it with animals. It went by quick and not seeming very pleasant to either party and a couple months later, there was a fowl or a calf or a set of chicks.

That thought made me pull back. I didn’t want to…

“What is it?” Thomas whispered, taking my hands, holding them against his chest.

“I… I don’t want to have your child.” Not yet, at least. Not before we were married.

He snorted. “You won’t. Not from doing this.”

“But your…” I motioned to the tent in his pants.

He rolled us over, so I came to lie next to him again. “Remind me to give you something in the morning,” he said.

I frowned. What did he want to give me? And… much more importantly: he wanted me to stay till the morning!

“It takes a little more to get you with child,” he said, gently cupping my chin to kiss me again. I kissed him back. I trusted him to tell the truth. He had more experience than I. And he wouldn’t lie to me, would he?

No… he wouldn’t.

I moved against him, practically wrapping myself around him and enjoyed the warmth and the perfect pillow his chest made for my head, the way the even beat of his heart filled my ears so much more pleasant than the sound of the critters in my room…

Sleep finally came not much later.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate spent the night in Thomas' room. How dare she? Nothing of this caliber remains hidden for long in Downton though. And once more, she might be facing problems...

Morning seemed to come much too soon. We both startled awake at the customary wake-up call out in the corridor.

It was morning. The house was awake.

Suddenly, my staying in Thomas’ room didn’t seem like the good idea it had seemed like last night. What had I been thinking? How was I to get back to the women’s side without anyone seeing me?

It wasn’t usual for anyone to step in a room that wasn’t their own, but one could never be sure. Maybe someone needed Thomas’ help with something… I swallowed.

The corridor behind the door was abuzz with the sound of servants getting ready for the day, their voices, male voices, only underlining the fact I did not belong here!

Thomas’ thoughts seemed to go along much the same lines. His body, so relaxed and soft a minute ago had gone rigid and his arms around me suddenly felt stiff and forced.

He cleared his throat. “It’s probably best if you wait for everyone to go downstairs and then get back to your room. You’ll be late, but…” he trailed off. Being late wouldn’t get me or him sacked. Being seen coming from his room would.

I swallowed. My name had only been cleared yesterday! Why had I insisted on doing something so stupid again so soon? What had I been thinking?

An image of a rabbit in a snare flashed in my mind, waiting for the hunter to come get it. I couldn’t leave this room. Not for another half hour at least.

I sat up but remained in bed while Thomas attended to his morning toilette, combing his hair, washing his face, brushing his livery. He looked at me through the mirror and took a couple quick steps towards his wardrobe.

I followed him with my gaze but remained where I was. I didn’t want to be in his way.

He opened the door to his wardrobe and bent down to rummage through the bottommost drawer. From there, he pulled out a small book and handed it to me.

The black cover said _Doctor Teller’s pocket companion_ on it in faded, white letters _._ Why did he give me a doctors’ book?

“Give it back once you’re through with it… we can discuss it at a later time,” he whispered, turning back to his wardrobe.

I looked down at my lap as he pulled his undershirt over his head, doing my best to focus on the book and not on him, practically naked. I surely didn’t notice the nice shape of his body, the broad shoulders, the small mole on his right hip… I shook my head as if that could clear it and opened the book to a random page… only to snap it shut again.

Thomas, startled, turned towards me, a questioning look on his face.

No. Impossible! That couldn’t be… There had been a picture of a… naked man.

Thomas’ gaze fell on the book in my lap and a smirk played around his lips.

I looked at him and back at the book and at him again before I opened the same page once more. There, before me, was a photograph of a naked man, fully erect, earnestly looking at the camera. His… penis looked enormous and I found my gaze drawn towards Thomas, wondering… He was still in his underpants and had taken a step towards me, his… crotch area right at my eyelevel.

Upon realizing I was staring, I pointedly turned my head away, looking in the other direction… and back at the book.

Books like this were forbidden! How could he… I turned the page and found a photograph of a naked woman. Was I as pretty as she was? Would Thomas like…

I turned the page again, suddenly mesmerized by all that lay before me. I only skimmed the text, but took a couple seconds to look at each of the pictures, drawings and photographs. Men and women were shown in various positions, always naked. How… I traced over the shapes of their bodies with my finger and turned my head this way and that, trying to figure out how the things they did worked.

Animals always did the sex in the same positions. Humans seemed to be… different.

“I hate to disturb you, but…” Thomas’ words brought me back to the real life.

I looked at him, finding it hard to focus on what he was saying. He had gotten dressed and looked about ready to start his day.

“Wait about ten minutes, then get back…” he whispered against my ear, his lips grazing the sensitive skin there. It sent a shiver through me and I wished we could just go back to bed and try all the things in the book…

I wanted to kiss him and touch him and smell him, but no… Thomas made me step behind the door before he removed the chair from under the knob, his hands careful on my hips, their warmth radiating through the thin fabric of my nightgown. He kissed me on the lips, just a small peck. He obviously was much more dedicated to his work than I was. He would never be late to serve his Lordship’s breakfast.

“Morning,” he muttered as he pulled the door open and footsteps moved past in the corridor… and then he was gone and I was alone.

I opened the book again, looking at the picture of the man once again, tracing over it with my finger. The size of the penis was frightening. How was this supposed to go anywhere inside of me? It must surely be painful. The thought of it did something to me though. I found myself shifting my legs against each other, feeling the need for… something… for touch… but… No! That was a sin!

I snapped the book shut and put it in the pocket of my morning gown, crossing my arms over my chest as if to stop myself from doing things that weren’t allowed. Why couldn’t I have done just that yesterday evening? Then I wouldn’t be in this situation now!

The noises outside the door slowly died down at last.

It was time to leave.

I wrapped my fingers around the key in my pocket and pressed my ear to the door to make sure there really wasn’t anyone out on the corridor any longer. I pulled the door open and froze.

I was staring straight into Mr. Bates’ face.

He seemed as startled as I was and we stared at each other for a couple seconds, neither of us saying a thing. And really, there wasn’t anything I could have said. It was plainly obvious what I had been doing in Thomas’ room. And I had been caught.

I swallowed, not daring to move, silently begging Mr. Bates not to tell on me.

Mr. Bates took a second or two to gather his bearings. He gave me the tiniest of nods and then jerked his head to the left at a noise from the staircase. “Get going,” he hissed.

“Thank you,” I mouthed and moved past him, pulling the door to Thomas’ room closed.

I stopped once I had safely locked the forbidden door from the women’s side. My heart was racing. Mr. Bates had seen me. Mr. Bates and Thomas hated each other. But I liked Mr. Bates, and I thought Mr. Bates liked me. Would he tell?

He couldn’t!

He wouldn’t!

He was nice! He had to be nice or Anna wouldn’t be with him. And he was in love too. If all else failed, I could always offer him the key in exchange for his silence. Or he could already be on his way to tell Mr. Carson or Mrs. Hughes… or even worse, his Lordship.

Mrs. Hughes didn’t seem happy I was late, but I told her all about the leaky roof and she noted it down to have a handyman come and look at it. “It wouldn’t do for the house to fall to disuse while we’re the ones watching out for it,” she good naturedly said.

I agreed with her, even though I couldn’t care less about the house. All I could think about was Mr. Bates. It was just my luck he had caught me. I would deserve it if he told on me. I had acted easy and fast, even after my name had been soiled once. I didn’t deserve any better.

I managed to sneak the key to the forbidden door back into Mrs. Hughes’ sitting room without anyone noticing before I sat down for my breakfast. Even if Mr. Bates chose to tell anyone, if the key wasn’t in my possession, there was no proof.

“Is anything the matter? You seem awfully worried,” Anna said over her coffee.

I started. I had all but forgotten she was even there.

“I… my father… he has taken a turn for the worse once again… They don’t know how much longer…” I lied. It was easier to have her worried about my family than tell the truth. And once she found out what I had done, she would never talk to me again. I had acted like a floozy. Twice! What was one more lie…

When Thomas came downstairs for his breakfast I practically fled the room. I couldn’t be where he was. It was too… wrong.

“Careful there,” Mr. Bates said as I brushed past him in my escape.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, barely even stopping to look at him. I had to get away from them all…

The best way to do so was to get to work.

Lady Mary had left for London early in the morning, which meant I could start cleaning in her room. None of the manservants usually ventured into the Ladies’ rooms, which was just fine with me.

I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t even want to see Anna, but since we always cleaned the Ladies’ rooms in pairs she joined me soon after I had started making the bed.

“Couldn’t wait to get to work this morning?” she said, smiling fondly. “Or… did anything happen between you and Thomas?”

I froze. Had Mr. Bates told her already? “I…” What should I say to her? Should I defend myself? Or should I simply admit to my sins? “We had an argument,” I lied.

“With Thomas? Oh that’s not good,” Anna said, stopping in her work to look up at me. “You have to be careful around him.”

“I know… Thank you.” I didn’t dare look her in the eye. She would have that concerned, worried look that made me want to spill everything… or maybe she already knew…

No. She couldn’t.

“You know you can always come to me with any kind of problem,” she said, voice low and kind.

“Yes.” Could I really though? Wouldn’t she think the worst of me? But maybe confessing my sins…

I was about to say more when Mr. Carson stepped into the room. “Anna, Lady Edith asked for you to join her in her room,” he said.

Anna nodded and moved past Mr. Carson.

He stayed where he was, looking me up and down but not saying anything. Had Mr. Bates said something?

“Is anything the matter?” I heard myself say.

“Not at all,” he said. “Mrs. Hughes has given her account about your innocence. While I can’t possibly imagine how she proved it, I do trust her judgement.”

“Thank you,” I said.

“Anna has told me you have settled in very well and I can see you are doing a fine job.” Praise from Mr. Carson? Wonders never cease. Where was he going with this though? He wouldn’t have come simply to praise me.

“I can’t say I much care for your… relationship with Thomas though.”

I blinked. Did he know? How? Was he about to sack me?

“It is not my place to tell you who you can and can not be friends with of course, just consider yourself… warned.”

“Thank you,” I said slowly. I wasn’t sacked. I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. I could stay!

Mr. Carson nodded at me and turned around to leave.

+++

Later that day, when we all sat down for dinner, Thomas took the chair next to me. Anna and Mr. Bates sat opposite from us. To say it was uncomfortable was an understatement. I couldn’t bear look Mr. Bates in the eye. What must he think of me?

“You look awfully happy, Thomas. Did you have any news?” Mr. Bates asked.

“None that I’d care to share with you, Mr. Bates.”

“What about you Kate?” Mr. Bates turned towards me.

I swallowed.

“Careful. You don’t want to trust ex-prisoners,” Thomas said. “Who knows what they will make of any kind of information.”

“I… do trust Mr. Bates though,” I said, still not daring to look him in the eye. “I don’t judge people by their past and neither should you.”

“Shouldn’t I?” Thomas said, raising an eyebrow.

“Whatever this is between you, I will not have it at my table,” Mrs. Hughes said from her seat next to Mr. Carson.

“Sorry, Mrs. Hughes,” “My apologies,” Thomas and Mr. Bates said at the same time.

The tension between them, between us, didn’t change, but no further words were spoken.

“Come smoke with me,” Thomas said, once we finished eating.

I shook my head.

Thomas seemed taken aback, but didn’t press any further. That was new.

I went straight to my room after that. The hole in the roof had been temporarily fixed until a proper roof tiler could come to look at it and my room was mostly dry. It was still bitterly cold though and I quickly crawled under my blankets.

+++

I managed to stay out of Thomas’ way for three days after that. On the fourth he seemed to have had enough though.

He waited for me by the stairwell and grabbed me by the arm when I tried to pass him, pulling me outside into the yard. It was late evening and we were all by ourselves.

“What is it with you?” he said. “Why are you avoiding me?”

“I’m not avoiding you,” I muttered, jerking my arm out of his grip.

“Then why haven’t you talked to me in three days?”

“I was busy.”

“Busy…”

“Yes! There’s a lot of work to do for a maid. All day, every day. I can’t always come see you.”

He took a step away from me, looking me up and down for a second before he took a cigarette from his pack and stuck it between his lips.

“Am I excused?” I asked, crossing my arms before my chest.

“Don’t let me stop you.” He turned away and I left, hurrying back into the house, hoping no one had seen me.

Mr. Bates didn’t seem to have told anyone about our encounter but still I didn’t want to risk being caught alone with Thomas again. I had almost been sacked once. And I intended to keep it at that.

“Kate! There you are!” Mrs. Hughes suddenly said. “Come to my office, will you?”

My heartbeat, only just having gone back to normal after my confrontation with Thomas, climbed back up again.

“Yes?” I said to Mrs. Hughes, stopping in the doorway.

“You seem awfully distraught these past few days,” she said, ushering me into her room and closing the door behind me. “Is this about your… encounter in the village? Did you talk about it to anyone?”

I shook my head. “It… nothing happened. There’s nothing to talk about,” I said.

“Anything else then? I’m always available to talk, you know.”

I nodded. “Thank you Mrs. Hughes, but I… don’t think there’s anything to talk about.”

“Well then…” she hesitated for a moment as if thinking about what else to say. “There’s a fair in the next village starting tomorrow. I think you should go with the others. Everyone can use some distraction in their life every now and then, no?”

I nodded. “Thank you. I will.”

I stepped out of the office, only to almost be run over by Thomas as he moved towards the staircase. He slowed down and looked at me, but didn’t apologize.

+++

The next afternoon, a group formed for the outing. The family was out, so most of the servants were allowed to attend the fair, even though Mr. Carson didn’t seem to like it much.

Thomas was among the group as well, but he stayed with the other Manservants; Footmen and Hall Boys, not even looking at me.

I was alright with that. I couldn’t be seen associating with him again.

Mr. Bates and Anna were in attendance as well, but they stayed at the back of the group, walking together.

I sighed. I wanted to have what they had. A proper courting without scandal… They had announced they would get married in the spring and I wished them the very best. They were well suited.

The other Maids walked together, chatting and laughing. I walked with them, at the edge of the group, laughing when they laughed, but not really listening.

Thomas seemed to have a nice time with the other men. I wished I could go with him instead of by myself.

But I couldn’t.

It would only excite even more gossip.

Mr. Molesley joined us when we walked through the village, past the Dowager House and he fell in step with me.

“How do you like it in Downton so far?” he amicably asked.

We walked together, chatting about this and that, but nothing of substance. He held the proper distance and I didn’t feel the slightest urge to get any closer towards him. This was how it was supposed to be. Proper and innocent. Why couldn’t it be like that with Thomas? Why?

+++

The fair was crowded when we arrived. There were amusement rides and games and stands that sold food and drinks. Everyone was merry and most ran off to go on a ride or to see the games. I stood by myself. I had money now, but I didn’t want to waste it on something as silly as a fair.

“Don’t you want to go for one of the rides?” Mr. Molesley asked, noticing my hesitation.

I shook my head.

“Let me buy you a treat then,” he said.

I wanted to say no to that as well, but he had already grabbed me by the elbow and pulled me towards the first of the stalls. They sold toads in the holes and freshly made scones and I allowed myself to indulge after some prompting from Mr. Molesley.

He stayed by my side for most of the day. Whether it was out of pity or because he didn’t have any friends of his own, I didn’t know. But I appreciated it.

We made an almost pleasant day out of what would probably have become quite dreary without him and walked back home together as well, always remaining within the group of course, until…

I was rudely grabbed by the elbow from behind and pulled to the side. The others looked as they passed us, but since it was only Thomas grabbing me, no one seemed to fear any danger for me. No one but Mr. Molesley. He stopped and stepped next to me, protectively shoving himself between Thomas and I.

“Walk away,” Thomas said, voice angry.

“What are you doing with her?” Mr. Molesley defiantly said, but it was clear he was scared of Thomas.

“Talk.” Thomas said.

Mr. Molesley looked at me questioningly and I nodded at him. “Thank you for the lovely day, Mr. Molesley,” I said. “But you don’t need to protect me. Not from Thomas.” I jerked free of Thomas’ grip to underline my words.

The look in Mr. Molesley’s eyes as he stepped away said more than any words could say. He had hoped to see more of me and here I was, dismissing him for Thomas…

We waited until everyone had passed us.

I did my best not to notice their questioning glances. Thomas didn’t even seem to care. “What do you think you’re doing, letting that… that wimp of a man buy you drinks all day long!” he barked at me, the moment the others were out of earshot.

“I wasn’t thinking anything,” I truthfully said.

“And after avoiding me for a full week,” he continued as if I hadn’t spoken at all.

“After…?” I muttered. “I… I wasn’t avoiding you!” But I realized that was exactly what I had been doing while I was still talking.

“No? Then what was it you were doing?” The way he stood over me, his eyes wild with… jealousy, I realized, made me wish he would pull me into the shrubbery by the road and…

“I was… what we did wasn’t…”

“What wasn’t it?”

“It wasn’t proper!” I said, taking a step away from him.

“And when did you come to realize that? Was it before or after YOU decided to come to MY room in the middle of the night?” he hissed.

“I… it was after Mr. Bates saw me come out of your room the next morning.”

“After…” he stopped himself. “He saw you?”

I nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell me for Christ’s sake!”

“Would it have changed anything?”

“Yes! It would have changed everything!” He exclaimed and for a moment I thought he would slap me.

I took another step away from him, cowering. He wouldn’t be the first man to hit me after I had made some mistake or other.

He noticed my fear and took a deep breath. “I thought I had… done something to scare you away.”

“What could you have done wrong?” I whispered. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him, I just…

“Anything and everything!”

I shook my head. “No. You were… you were just perfect.”

His chest heaved and sank with his breath and he stared at me for a long moment as if making up his mind.

And it seemed he did.

He looked after the quickly retreating group of the other Downton staff for a second and then put his arms on my face, pulling me close, kissing me.

Out in the open. For everyone to see. I wanted to step away, but… I found myself moving against him, my arms wrapping around his waist. I wanted to do so much more than just kiss him… I remembered the way his naked chest had felt under my fingers. But we couldn’t do anything more… not out here. There were people passing us by every now and then, walking home from the fair, children laughing, adults chatting.

His hands wandered downwards from my face, around my waist, pulling me against him even harder, fingers digging into my back, almost painfully.

Nothing but his the feeling of him, his lips on mine, the way he tasted, smelled, mattered though and for a moment I allowed myself to lose myself in the sensation.

I was dizzy when he stepped away and had to blink a couple times before I was all myself again.

Another group of fairgoers came closer and I made sure my dress was sitting the way it was supposed to.

Thomas wiped his mouth, looking at me, breath still coming fast.

Neither of us said a word as we hurried to catch up with the other Downton staff. We didn’t want to give them reason for gossip and, thankfully, everyone acted as if nothing happened.

Everyone but Mr. Molesley.

He took one good look at me and cast his eyes down to the ground, speeding up his steps to move to the front of the group.

Mr. Bates and Anna shot us knowing looks and I just knew Anna knew. If she hadn’t before then she knew about Thomas and me now. How couldn’t she, after his… ridiculous display of… jealousy.

Jealousy.

He was jealous.

He liked me.

And not just as a friend.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas and Kate discuss THE Book!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Knowledge is power!

We walked the rest of the way with each other, at the back of the group, my hand resting in the crook of his elbow. Close, but not too close to be considered improper. It didn’t make things any easier. The kiss we had shared was still on my mind.

“Have you gotten around to reading that book I lent you?” Thomas suddenly said, knowing full well all the others were listening to every word we spoke.

I choked. Why would he start with that now? “Yes,” I slowly said. I had gotten around to it. It was bordering on scandalous… the things that were depicted in it…

“Did you like it?” he continued.

“Some of it.” I felt the blood rush up to my face.

“You’ll have to show me which parts you liked,” he said.

I swallowed. I wanted to show him. Very much.

That meant I would have to steal the key and go to his room again.

Risky, but…

…definitely worth it.

“What are you talking about back there?” Anna suddenly said, slowing down so she could fall into step with us.

“This and that, nothing that would interest you,” Thomas was quick to reply.

Anna looked at me, a knowing look on her face. Had Mr. Bates told her?

“And you couldn’t talk about ‘this and that’ in front of everyone?” Mr. Bates mocked.

“Not in front of you, for sure,” Thomas hissed. He looked as if he wanted to say more but seemed to think better of it. Thomas wasn’t stupid. He knew when it was best for him to shut up.

Mr. Bates could get us both sacked, which meant Thomas would be civil towards him… for now…

+++

Mr. Carson had been waiting for us to return home so he could lock up the house. It was his duty as a butler and he didn’t trust anyone else to do it.

It was late and most of the others went straight upstairs, their laughter fading as they ascended the servants’ stairs.

I should probably go up as well. It was long past my usual bedtime and tomorrow would once again be a busy day… but I lingered.

Thomas sat down in the Servant’s Hall, picking up the newspaper someone had taken downstairs after his Lordship had finished it.

Things were happening on the continent. Bad Things.

I didn’t much care about politics, but even I realized the whole issue could escalate any day. And an escalation would mean war.

Thomas didn’t seem bothered by that fact though. He was reading and smoking, looking relaxed and aloof as ever, as if the whole business would never have an effect on him.

The house went silent with most everyone having gone upstairs. The sound of Thomas turning the pages tore through the silence every now and then. The clock tick-tocked in the corner.

I had one of my dresses on my lap, trying to mend a small tear near the bottom of the skirt. Being alone with Thomas though, especially after having avoided him for days, made it hard to focus. I pushed the needle through the fabric barely watching where it went. I’d have to redo the whole seam again in the morning.

I didn’t mind.

I had lied to myself when I had thought I could just stay away from Thomas.

I didn’t WANT to stay away from him. Even being in the same room with him made me feel whole again.

I openly watched him, when he put the paper to the side and got to his feet, quietly walking around the table, towards where I sat.

He bent down behind me, stopping only when his face was right next to my ear. “Come visit me tonight,” he whispered and pulled himself up to his full height again, straightening his shirt.

“I’ll be off to bed,” he said, and much louder: “Good night, Mr. Carson.” Then he moved out of the Hall and left me to sit alone.

He wanted me to come see him… I wanted to come see him too.

Mr. Carson’s Office was two doors down from Mrs. Hughes’ Sitting Room. His door was slightly ajar, the light from a lone candle flickering on the dark corridor. It was completely silent except for the sound of his scribbling. Could I risk taking the key now? It was late and I didn’t want to wait for Mr. Carson to go to bed. Who knew how much longer he’d keep working.

I cursed Thomas for leaving me to do this by myself. He could have diverted Mr. Carson’s attention instead of going upstairs…

I swallowed.

Taking off my shoes, so as not to make any sound as I walked to Mrs. Hughes’ Sitting Room, I carefully twisted the doorknob. The door was unlocked yet again, which seemed terribly trusting for someone who lived in a house with so many others.

I didn’t even have to step into the room all the way to open the key cabinet, which meant I could keep an eye on Mr. Carson’s door, while I…

I grabbed the key and lifted it off the hook without looking… and dropped it.

The clatter on the floor might as well have been a church bell, so loud did it seem in the silent house.

“Who’s still out there?” Mr. Carson called from his office and I heard his chair creak as he got up.

“Just me, Mr. Carson.” I called, pulling the door to Mrs. Hughes Room closed.

“You should go up to bed. It’s late,” he said. Heavy footsteps sounded on the floor and the door to his office was pulled open.

“Yes, I’m on my way.” I dropped to my knees and opened my sewing kit, taking a handful of knickknacks and acted as if I had just been collecting them from the floor as he stuck his head out of his office. I hoped his eyes weren’t what they used to be and the bad lighting was enough to fool him.

“What did you drop? Did you break anything?”

“What? Oh… just my sewing kit…” I hastily gathered a couple imaginary things from the ground and put them back in the box.

“Be more careful next time!” He had almost turned around and gone back into his Office, when his gaze fell on my bare feet. “Why in the good Lord’s name are you not wearing any shoes?”

“I… didn’t want to disturb anyone when I went upstairs. In my old household, we…”

“That’s highly improper. In Downton, we’re wearing shoes at all hours,” Mr. Carson said.

I wanted to ask him if that included bathtime, but didn’t. “Yes, Mr. Carson,” I said instead. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, do better next time,” he said, turning to move back into his Office, for real this time.

I got to my feet again.

My heart was racing as if I had run away from an enemy much more dangerous than Mr. Carson.

I opened the door to Mrs. Hughes Room, picked up the key from the floor and ran upstairs.

+++

I took the time to wash and brush out my hair and put on my nightgown, but not a second more. Thomas, of course, was still awake when I entered his room, sitting on his bed, reading one of his magazines by the light from his bedside lamp. His hair was damp from a recent bath and the faint smell of soap hung in the room.

He got up and put the chair under the door again, just as he had last time, and wordlessly pulled me against him, kissing me, deep and greedy. I had to get up on tiptoe to meet him and I put my arms around his waist to keep my balance. His hands travelled over my back and downwards, cupping my buttocks and lifting me up against him.

His body was hot compared to the cool air in the room and I wondered if he would be even hotter underneath his clothes. The photograph in the book had greatly inspired me and I wanted to see… Thomas.

I didn’t dare ask him about it though. Talking about such a thing wasn’t ladylike, much less asking him to undress for me. No. The ladylike thing to do would be to leave his room right this minute. But that surely wasn’t going to happen. I wanted to be with him. As close as two people could be.

My hands found their way under his undershirt and I revelled in the feeling of his skin, hot against my cold fingers and soft and smooth. The hair on his stomach and chest was slightly damp still and I let my fingers graze through it, closing my eyes to better enjoy it.

I blinked when Thomas pulled back, worrying I had done something wrong. I had never done something like this, so it was easily possible I…

I froze when he pulled his undershirt over his head, leaving me to stare at him, open-mouthed.

“Don’t make me all self-conscious,” he said, pulling me against him.

Even though my hands had just been all over him, I barely dared touching him again now. I took a step back and kept on staring.

He was bare, down to his waist.

It wasn’t polite to stare, but… His skin was pale compared to his hair, his chest flat and broad, his arms strong… and the way he stood, the light from his bedside lamp from behind made him look almost angelic.

“I…” I couldn’t find any words and my hands uselessly hovered in the air, so awestruck was I.

He took both my hands and unceremoniously placed them on his chest, looking down at me, meeting my gaze.

“You’re so beautiful,” I whispered.

That made him laugh.

I slowly moved my palms against his chest, up through the curls, down and around him and I placed a kiss to his shoulder, and another one to his clavicle. Now I had started, there was no way I could ever stop again and I made my way downwards over his chest, kissing him every so often. He smelled divine and his skin felt glorious under my lips.

I kissed my way down to his stomach and gently bit the soft flesh there. The fabric of his underpants strained to contain his… erection. I was so close… “May I… touch it?” I whispered, looking up at him insecurely.

“You may do everything you like,” he said.

I got up and stepped close to him again, looking him in the eyes as I let my hands move over his stomach, downwards, over the waistband of his underpants and finally over the bulge. It was harder than I had expected and I let my hand slide over it, up and down, putting more or less pressure against it and watching his every reaction.

Thomas gave a low sigh and his eyes fluttered half closed. He seemed to like pressure.

I wanted to give him more, make him sigh louder, and most of all, I wanted to see him. Without any clothes! But I couldn’t ask him to undress, could I? Not while I was still wearing all of my clothes.

“Do you want me to…” I motioned to my nightdress.

“Only if you want to.”

“But… you’re the man.”

He put two fingers under my chin and made me look him in the eye.

“Man or not, I won’t ever make you do anything you don’t want to do,” he said. “I’ve had my fair share of selfish lovers, only caring about what they wanted and about their own pleasure. That’s not the kind of man I want to be.”

I swallowed. After having read the book, I hadn’t been sure what he expected of me. There had been a lot about pleasure, giving and receiving, for both men and women.

All my life I had been taught the sex wasn’t supposed to be pleasant for women. That it was just about hoping it was over quick… Now Thomas said he didn’t want to do anything I didn’t like… I was confused.

“Can we get into bed?” I whispered, suddenly feeling self-conscious. We had been in bed before. It was familiar grounds.

He nodded and we crawled under the covers.

I realized something was different though. He was half naked. We had both been wearing all of our clothes last time… I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do now.

Good thing, Thomas seemed to be sure. He bent over me, kissing me on the lips and then downwards to my neck, his hands travelling up and down my sides and hips, moving forward, wandering upwards from my stomach, getting slower, giving me time to stop him.

I didn’t.

I wanted him to touch me.

I wanted his hands... everywhere.

He moved towards my breasts, never stopping his kisses and softly, oh so softly, let his fingers trail over my nipples. The small touch made me whimper. I had been touched before, but never so gentle, never so caring, never with… so little fabric separating us. I wanted him to keep moving and to do more, but he froze.

“Quiet,” he hissed, placing a hand over my mouth. Why did he stop? I didn’t want him to stop!

Then I heard.

Someone was moving outside the door. It must be Mr. Carson going to bed.

I barely dared to even breathe. What were we doing?

We would both be sacked without a reference if…

The footsteps passed and a door was pulled shut. Everything was silent again.

Thomas relaxed and slowly took his hand away from my mouth.

He listened for a second more and then kissed me again, pushing me back into the mattress as he climbed on top of me. He lowered himself down on top of me and I gasped as his erection rubbed against me. Without even really making the conscious decision, I spread my legs for him, welcoming him. Having him between my thighs felt good. Right.

I wanted more of this, of everything we were doing. More of him!

I let my hands wander over his back and down to his buttocks. The fabric of his underpants was coarse after the smoothness of his skin and I wondered… could I dare to… I moved back up again and let one hand slide underneath the fabric, intently noting his reaction.

He moved his hips against me harder, rubbing against me.

It sent shivers through my body.

One of his hands moved to pull open the bow at the top of my nightgown and I shook with anticipation. He would…

His mouth travelled downwards on my chest and he pulled the shoulder of my nightgown down, almost exposing me to him.

I whimpered.

I was scared, but at the same time, I wanted this so, so much.

I had dreamed of this moment for so long.

Thomas pulled up and looked me in the eyes, silently asking permission.

I gave the tiniest of nods, not daring to move anything else. My teeth chattered with equal amounts want and fear.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” he whispered, diving down to kiss me again. His lips were incredibly soft and gentle and…

I had to press my own arm over my mouth, so I wouldn’t cry out when he found my breast with his mouth. His tongue flickered over the sensitive spot, sending jolts of pleasure through my whole body.

I hadn’t even noticed his free hand moving down my side, but I gasped when his fingers found the skin on my thigh and pushed up my nightgown.

“What are you doing?” I whimpered.

“Touching you…” was his breathy answer.

“But…”

He came up to look at me again. “But?”

“I don’t want to… we… we can’t… not out of wedlock.”

“There’s plenty other things we can do…” he said, letting his hand trail over my thigh again.

The small touch sent goose bumps over my legs.

“I know… from the book,” I whispered. “I just want to be sure…”

A small smile flashed over his face. “Now aren’t you glad you read it?”

I nodded.

The book had opened a new world to me. I understood now why they said knowledge was power. Knowing what was possible made me feel less scared, more in power.

My mother had always told my sisters and me to close our eyes and think of England, the moment it came to us having the sex. She had explained it as something we would have to endure if we wanted to have a husband, so we could give him children.

The things I had seen in the book… the women in the pictures had looked as if they actually enjoyed themselves. And Thomas seemed like he really wanted me to enjoy myself as well! Maybe… Could my mother have been wrong?

What we were doing was quite pleasant so far.

And the night continued on like that; exploring each other, familiarizing myself with the male body and learning the delicious things I could do to it, experiencing pleasure I hadn’t thought possible.

My virtue was intact when we fell asleep next to each other. After the things we had done, it didn’t feel like it should matter, but… to me it did. And I loved Thomas all the more for respecting my wishes as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the kinda abrupt ending, but I have been working on it for hours and hours and just couldn't get it right. So yea, it is what it is!
> 
> Next chapter is already almost done... and let me tell you this much: Things are going to HAPPENNNN!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things change...

This time around, no one saw me leave Thomas’ room. I was immensely thankful for that. After the things we had done last night, I didn’t know if I could look anyone in the eye just yet, on top of the possibility of being sacked, of course.

I went downstairs for breakfast and quickly finished my chores for the day. It was my half day in the afternoon and I finally got to pick up my dress.

I had almost managed to suppress the memory of what had happened on my last half day. When it was time to go down to the village again though I found myself getting more and more anxious, the closer I got to leaving the house.

The thought of the village square, of the man… What if he waited for me again?

“Are you leaving or not?” Beth suddenly said from behind me, as I stood by the servants’ entrance, holding my coat over my arm.

“Why do you care?” I asked. We had never been the best of friends but ever since she had managed to get me thrown out of her room, I hadn’t bothered hiding my dislike of her.

“I don’t,” she passed by me and stepped outside, letting in a gust of cool air.

I had to go. Now. Willing my feet to move I took a step, but stopped again.

“Are you going to waste all of your half day standing here?” Thomas was suddenly there.

“What? No… I…”

“I have to get down to the village. Care to come with me?” he said.

I perked up at that. If I was with Thomas, nothing would happen! I was safe with him! “I would love to!”

“Let me just get my coat and we’ll be on our way,” he said, smiling at me broadly. He didn’t seem to have a problem looking me in the eye. But then, he had done all those things before…

I took a relieved breath and stepped outside. Beth was standing in the yard, chatting with one of the stable boys, smoking. I lit up a cigarette as well while I waited for Thomas, just so I had something to do with my hands.

Politeness dictated I had to join them. I didn’t give a fig about being polite towards Beth though, so I waited by myself.

Thomas came outside half a minute later and put my hand on his elbow. He didn’t even seem to notice the other two standing, staring at us.

I did!

Beth looked positively furious. She knew Thomas and I were friends, of course. Everyone had noticed by now, but to see him act so forward with me… it didn’t seem to sit well with her. Thomas was a handsome bachelor and would make a good husband and we both knew it. Admittedly, he wasn’t the friendliest towards most people, but... he was friendly enough with me.

I pulled up straighter as we passed them. She had made me for a floozy… might as well act the way she made me out to be.

Walking with Thomas, all by ourselves, almost made me forget what I had been so scared about.

Almost.

Towards the edge of the village, I felt myself grow uneasy.

“Anything the matter?” Thomas said, noticing my slowing down.

“Just…” I swallowed.

“I’ll go with you to the seamstress,” he said, putting his hand on mine on his elbow.

“What about your errand?”

“I’ll take care about that while you’re inside and I will pick you back up the moment you’re done.”

“You would really do that?” I stopped and looked at him.

“Of course. Don’t think I forgot what happened to you last week… I will not stand for it! No one will do anything like it to you again.”

“Oh Thomas,” I muttered. “That’s…” I wanted to kiss him.

“That’s what friends do.”

Friends…

I pulled back. “Yes.” I said. Friends… How could he still think of us as mere friends? After all we’d done… Did he really think I would do the things we’d done if I thought of him as a friend?

Suddenly I felt stupid. I had acted easy towards him. Of course he must think I would do things with him, with the way I behaved.

We started walking again and Thomas led me towards the seamstress’ shop. I bit the insides of my cheek to stop myself from crying out. Friends. What a thing to say…

I let go of Thomas’ arm and stepped into the store. Friends… I would show him friends!

The dress was turning out lovely. It diverted my attention long enough so I could calm down somewhat. The colour brought out my dark blue eyes and the cut nicely showed off my figure as I looked at myself in the mirror, this way and that. I barely wanted to take it off again, but it had yet to be finished.

I was about to step outside the store, when I realized I would be alone… The village square was only two corners away. Thomas, friend that he was, had promised to come back as soon as he was done with his errand. I wanted to be gone by the time he got back, but… I didn’t want to cross the village square by myself.

I pretended to look at the lace stored by the shop window, wondering what to do. Was I brave enough to go back to the big house by myself?

A dark clad figure passed by the window and I shrunk back. Was this… no. His hair had been lighter, his skin more burnt… I realized I wasn’t brave enough…

Would never be…

Didn’t have to be!

Thomas looked dashing in his black, well-fitting coat and hat. His face lit up when he saw me and he sped up his steps.

“Everything finished?” he said, holding the door for me.

I nodded.

“You’ll pick it up next week?”

“They’ll send it up to the house,” I said.

He nodded.

I noticed we didn’t go straight back towards the house. “Where are we going?”

“Take a walk with me,” he said. “I bought something to drink and this might be the last sunny day for a while.”

I hesitated. “Don’t you have to get back to the house?”

“Mr. Carson won’t know how long my errand took me,” Thomas shrugged, an impish grin playing over his face.

I smiled as well. “Lead the way then.” I took hold of his elbow again and followed him, out of the village, in the direction that lead away from the house.

The leaves all around us were slowly turning orange and brown and the colours were magnificent as the sun shone upon them. Autumn was coming. Thomas was right. Winter was long and dark…

I noticed a wooden bench among a small cops of trees just off the road.

Thomas made for that and we sat down. The wood was warm from the afternoon sun and I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, enjoying the scents of the forest. The wind blew through the trees and filled everything with the sound of a million rustling leaves.

A noise from next to me made me look over at Thomas. He had pulled a bottle of ale from his pocket.

“Do you take all of your friends here?” I couldn’t help but asking. I hadn’t wanted to address the subject, but…

“Only the very closest ones… the ones I love having in bed next to me,” he answered, taking my hand and interlacing our fingers. My heartbeat sped up. “The ones I respect,” he continued.

“Respect?”

“Of course!”

I frowned. “Why?”

He swallowed. “There aren’t many people who would still treat me like you do after what you’ve seen…”

“What… Oh, you mean… in Winterton?”

He nodded.

I gave his hand a squeeze. I hadn’t thought about what I’d seen him do ever since we had returned home. It hadn’t changed a thing for me. He… “You’re still the same person,” I said.

He pulled my hand up and pressed a kiss to my knuckles.

“Do you do this with all of your friends as well?” I whispered, looking at the ground between my feet, our hands still interlaced.

“Only with the ones I want to kiss all day long but can’t, because it wouldn’t be proper.”

I looked at him. “Do you mean it?”

He nodded, kissing my hand again.

I moved towards him on the bench. We were all alone here. No one would give a fig how far apart we sat. Moving my leg against his, I hoped my skirts would hide it if anyone saw us.

He opened the ale and held it out towards me.

I took the bottle and drank.

“I am going to leave soon,” he said.

I almost choked on the swig I had just taken. “What?”

“The war…”

“But… no one has been drafted yet! They wouldn’t…”

“I signed up… for medical services.”

I looked at him. “Why would you do that?”

“Felt like the thing to do,” he shrugged.

I swallowed. Why would he do that? And now of all times. After… I exhaled and looked down at the ground.

“Promise you’ll wait for me.” He put two fingers under my chin to make me look at him.

Would I wait for him? Of course I would, but… “What if you don’t come back?” Saying the words was almost painful.

“You think a little war will stop me from coming back to Downton?” He laughed, but it didn’t sound entirely happy.

How could he laugh in this situation? Why had he even signed up? I had thought him smarter than that.

“I probably won’t see any actual battle action with medical,” he said.

I nodded, not looking at him. I hoped he was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this chapter is kinda short, but it's kinda only to fill the void between the last one and the next one...   
> and to build up to a major cliffhanger, no? :P


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas goes to war... and comes back...   
> While he was gone, Kate dealt with her life in her own way...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I chose to leave out the whole business about the house being a convalescent home because I hated that part in the series! Everything has simply gone on as it always has in my Downton, no strangers inhabiting the library, no nursing of sick soldiers...

Everything happened quickly after Thomas’ declaration. Much too quickly for my liking. We didn’t even get to spend another night together before he left.

The months after Thomas left were gloomy. Bit by bit most other men, servants, farmers, stableboys, were drafted for the war. Mr. Carson and Mr. Bates were allowed to stay home; Mr. Carson because of his age and Mr. Bates because of his bad leg. Mr. Molesley remained in the village as well. He often came up to the house to help out and serve at meals.

There might be a war going on, but footmen were still serving the family. Some things never seemed to change.

Other things seemed to though.

My father had died and been buried shortly after the war had broken out. With most of the men drafted and gone, my mother had found work in Winterton and was able to keep the house.

All the months he was gone, I didn’t hear from Thomas once. No letter, no postcard, nothing. I didn’t even know if he was alive. It was agony at first, waiting for a letter every day, worrying over him every night, but slowly my senses dulled and…

…I met Peter Johnson when I went to pick up some special tea for Lady Mary from the local Pharmacy. He was a handsome man and he seemed to think me pretty too.

Before I knew it, he had asked for my hand. It had all gone rather quickly.

The evening after we had gotten engaged, he had asked me to come see him and… things had happened. Things of the most improper variety.

It hadn’t been pleasant, it hadn’t been gentle, but at least it had been over rather quick.

So my mother had been right, after all.

I did my best to hide the bruises left by ungentle fingers and took care to sit down carefully for the next couple of days, until I stopped aching. What I’d had with Thomas felt surreal now. And I knew I would never have it again. I would get married to Peter in the spring and then…

I didn’t want to think about living with Peter. How often would he want to do the sex? Would once be enough? Peter was a good man and I liked him, but I felt no urge to have carnal relations with him again anytime soon.

+++

I kept to myself most of the time these days, doing my duties but nothing more. When someone asked, I answered, when the others ate, I ate. It was a dull and it was lonely but I felt no urge to change a thing about it.

The library was one of those rooms that made it easy to lose myself in daydreams, imagine living the lives the heroes on the pages had.

Lord Grantham allowed the servants to borrow books, as long as we noted everything down in the big ledger on his desk. He was a big believer in bettering oneself or so the others said. I still hadn’t talked more than ten words with him.

He had given me his condolences when I had come back after my father’s funeral, but that had been the extent of it.

I was dusting one of the bookshelves, glad no one was there to watch me, as I had been losing myself in the titles all morning and took three times as long as I was supposed to. The door opened and I was ready to make my apologies and vacate the room for the family, when I realized it was Daisy.

“Thomas is back!” she excitedly shouted.

I took a second to process what she had just said.

“Come downstairs!”

I almost dropped my duster when I turned to follow her. Could it be true? Could he really be back?

But why? The war wasn’t over…

I ran after her, almost stumbling over my own feet as I hurried down the stairs.

He was back, he…

… sat in the Servants’ Hall, in his usual spot, a cup of tea before him, all the other servants gathered around. A thick bandage was wrapped around his hand. He was injured! And he had lost weight. His face looked older, his eyes tired, but he was alive!

I wanted to run to him but stopped myself.

He hadn’t written to me once… he had probably been glad to be rid of me. His gaze fell on me but he looked away again without any sign of recognition. Like I was a stranger…

I crossed my arms over my chest and listened to his tales until I couldn’t stand it any longer. Why hadn’t he written? Why hadn’t he told me he would come home? He was acting as if nothing had ever happened between him and me.

Going back to the library was agony. Thomas was here, in the house, after so long… and he didn’t see fit to talk to me… What had I done wrong? I thought back of that last afternoon we’d spent together, sitting, chatting… Should I have done anything different?

I couldn’t think of what…

At dinner, I tried to catch Thomas’ gaze a couple times, silently asking him what had happened, but he didn’t look at me.

I blinked back tears and put down my spoon, leaving more than half of my soup on the bowl. It didn’t taste right today.

I got up from the table as soon as everyone had finished eating and made my way straight upstairs. I didn’t want to be with the others… with Thomas… It hurt too much.

My room had been fixed up over the last year, the leaky roof repaired, the draughty window too. It still wasn’t exactly comfortable, but it was bearable. And I had my own space where I could sulk in peace.

+++

It was the middle of the night when a scream startled me awake. Footsteps out on the corridor made me get up and step outside my room. “What happened?” I asked Mrs. Hughes, as she was standing before the door to the men’s corridor, unlocking it.

Other heads appeared in the doorways, curiously watching us.

“I don’t know,” Mrs. Hughes said, pushing the open. “Go back to bed everyone!”

Another scream, much louder this time and now that the door wasn’t muffling the sound I recognized the voice. I didn’t even think of going back to bed.

I followed Mrs. Hughes through the forbidden door, painfully aware of the last time I had stepped through it. The men’s side was awake as well, the few that hadn’t gone to war curiously gathered before Thomas’ door.

“No! No! I can’t bloody take it!” Thomas screamed.

I followed Mrs. Hughes as she pushed into Thomas’ room.

It was brightly lit with the overhead light and Mr. Carson was standing by the bedside, very obviously at a loss. Waking grown men from nightmares wasn’t in his job description.

Mrs. Hughes put a hand to Mr. Carson’s shoulder and he stepped to the side.

“Mrs. Hughes, let me…” I said and she gave me a small nod.

They both pulled back as I kneeled down next to Thomas’ bed. He was still asleep and very obviously in the throes of a nightmare.

“Thomas,” I said, taking a gentle hold of his uninjured hand. “Thomas!”

His eyes opened and he looked around in confusion, breath coming hard, brow sweating.

I reached for his face, tentatively cupping his cheek. I wanted to pull him closer, but there were too many people watching.

“It’s alright,” I said instead. “You’re safe.”

Thomas still seemed confused. He looked at me and grabbed my arm, squeezing as if he couldn’t believe I was real. He sat up and pulled his face against my chest, holding on to me as if I was the only thing that saved him from drowning. His whole body shook.

“You can go back to bed,” I said to the others. “I’ll stay with him. It was just a nightmare.” It was highly improper to stay with him in his room, at night, all alone, but I didn’t care. He was scared, traumatized possibly and I was as good as married. I could make allowances.

Mrs. Hughes ushered the others outside. “We’ll leave the door open,” she said.

I nodded. I didn’t care about the door. All that mattered was Thomas.

“I can’t take this,” Thomas whispered the moment we were alone. “These bloody nightmares every damn night…” he looked close to crying, “seeing those pictures the second I close my eyes… I can’t bear it!”

War was a bloody business. I couldn’t even imagine the things he must have seen. No wonder he was having nightmares.

“It’s not real,” I whispered. “You’re home and safe. I’m here with you.” I put my arms around his shoulders and held him.

Sobs shook his whole body as he buried his face in the folds of my nightgown.

I stroked his hair, damp with sweat, and whispered sweet nothings to him, wondering how I could make him forget the things he must have seen. Only time would heal these wounds though.

“I’m sorry I didn’t write.” He had been still for so long I’d thought he’d fallen asleep again. His voice was hoarse. “I started each and every day, but I…”

“It’s alright,” I said, even though it was anything but alright. His silence had hurt me… badly… it had made me do things I wouldn’t even have considered if I had known he was alive… but now wasn’t the moment for that. “Try to get some sleep,” I said. “I’ll stay with you.”

“Am I forgiven?” he said, looking up at me, eyes red with lack of sleep and unshed tears.

I nodded. How could he even wonder about that? Who wouldn’t forgive a man like him? Broken, sad, scared…

“I missed you terribly.”

I swallowed. “Yes, me too.” I wanted to tell him what had happened, what I had done, but not now. Tomorrow maybe…

“I should never have signed up…”

“Shh… it doesn’t matter… that’s in the past…”

I felt him nod against me and tried to get out of his grip.

“Where are you going?” His good hand tightened on my arm.

“Just to turn off the light.”

Thomas turned on the bedside lamp and let go of me, watching me as if making sure I wouldn’t run away.

I pushed the door almost closed and went back to bed. I couldn’t crawl under the blanket with him, but I sat down on top of the blanket so I could lean my back against the headboard. Thomas’ head came to rest on my stomach and I put my arms around him, holding him, stroking him. “Sleep,” I whispered.

His fingers dug into my thigh, holding on to me as he fell asleep.

I did my best to remain silent as I cried. I cried for how broken he was, for how stupid I had been, over the knowledge I would never be able to be with him…

+++

I startled awake at the usual morning call. I had moved during the night and my neck was stiff, as my head still rested against the headboard at an awkward angle. Thomas lay half on top of me, still asleep. I didn’t move so as not to wake him. Who knew when he’d had a proper nights’ sleep the last time.

Voices and footsteps on the corridor didn’t seem to disturb him and, unable to move, I had almost fallen asleep again as well, when Mrs. Hughes stuck her head inside. I made to free myself from Thomas, but she shook her head.

“Stay with him for now,” she whispered. “I’ll send up a tray for breakfast. I think he deserves a few days of rest after bravely fighting for our country.”

“Thank you,” I mouthed.

A few minutes later, Daisy came into the room, pushing the door open with her hip as her hands were full with the tray she carried.

She almost stumbled over her own feet when she found Thomas and me. We still hadn’t moved.

“I… Mrs. Hughes said…” she stuttered.

“Thank you Daisy,” I answered, now trying to free myself from Thomas for real. I couldn’t let the poor girl see us like this for any longer than she already had. Our embrace really must look quite intimate to a curious onlooker and she was young and impressionable.

Thomas stirred, as I pulled out from under him and his fingers dug into my arm, as if wanting to stop me.

“Thomas,” I said. “Daisy brought us breakfast.”

He opened his eyes and sat up, looking at the girl. “Thank you Daisy.”

I climbed out of bed and took the tray from her. She still stared at Thomas motionlessly. “You frightened us something awful last night,” she said, not looking at me.

“I’m sorry,” Thomas said. He made no motion to get up as I placed the tray on the bed.

“Never you mind. You must have seen frightening things in the war…”

Thomas nodded.

“Well… I’ll be off… Mrs. Patmore will have kittens if I leave her alone for too long…” She shot me a dirty look before she turned and then she ran off.

I looked at Thomas with raised eyebrows.

“She… used to have a thing for me,” he muttered, a small smile playing around his mouth at the memory.

“Did she then?” She must be fifteen years Thomas’ junior…

He nodded. “We probably just broke her heart.” He didn’t seem entirely sad about that.

I sighed. Young girls with broken hearts, jealous girls, tended to do stupid things. I just wondered what she would choose to do.

I stayed with Thomas for breakfast and took his tray downstairs before I went to work. He remained in bed as he was still healing and needed his rest. Other families wouldn’t have allowed him to come back to the house as long as he wasn’t ready to go back to work, but not the Crawleys. Lord Grantham took good care of his servants, beloved or not.

I was incredibly thankful for it.

Daisy shot me a glance that might have made a lesser woman run in fear when I brought the tray into the kitchen. I couldn’t exactly blame her. I would probably have acted the same way if our roles were reversed.

Good thing I wasn’t staying in the kitchen for long. Mrs. Hughes had allowed me to start late today, but that didn’t mean I could neglect my duties. I had planned to go look in on Thomas sometime during the day, but I was busy all day long.

In the evening, just when we were about to sit down for dinner, a message from Peter arrived, asking me to come down to the village to see him.

I could hardly say no to a request from my betrothed, even if it meant I would go hungry.

I hurried down to the village in the twilight, hugging my shawl around me tighter. His message hadn’t said what he wanted of me, but his messages usually didn’t. He called and I came, that’s how we worked… that’s how we would live our lives.

I swallowed at the thought.

The more I thought about it, the more the whole engagement seemed like a mistake… but we had… I couldn’t say no to him now. I might already be pregnant… and even if I wasn’t, he only had to tell what we had done and I would be tossed to the street… I was in the exact same spot I had been in about a year ago.

“Sit,” Peter said when I entered his rooms behind the pharmacy. We stood in the small kitchen that would be mine one day. A table, just big enough for two stood by the wall and an old sofa he’d inherited from his late father was by the hearth. Another door at the end of the room led to the bedroom… where we had done… things…

I went to him and wanted to kiss his cheek, but he caught me before I came close enough.

“Don’t act all lovey with me when we both know how you spent your last night,” he barked.

I took a step back. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t act coy with me!” He grabbed my wrist. “You spent the night with that footman!” His grip tightened around me.

“I…” I gritted my teeth against the pain. “He was having nightmares and someone had to stay with him… he just came back from the war…”

“And no one but you could have comforted him? Don’t believe me stupid!”

I didn’t know what to say. When I had seen Thomas last night, I hadn’t even thought about Peter. All I had wanted to do was to be there for him. “We know since we were children. We’re friends… You’re hurting me!”

Peter let go of my wrist in a second and took a step back, away from me. “I thought the rumours I heard about you had been false, but you really are a bloody floozy!”

That hurt.

After all that unpleasantness a year ago…

“We didn’t do anything,” I said.

“That’s not what I heard!” he shouted, coming towards me and grabbing my shoulder this time. “I should kick you out this door right now! We aren’t even married yet and you already go around associating with… bloody sodomites!”

I blinked at him, my lips quivering. How did he know about that? What should I say?

“Don’t have any new lies to tell me?” He shook me.

“I…”

He shut me up with a slap in the face. “I don’t want to hear! Go!” He shoved me towards the door so hard I almost fell.

I turned around and ran back to him, cheek aching. “No! Please don’t... I can’t… you know I can’t!”

He shook his head, disgust plainly written on his features. “You’d deserve to be ruined! You’re nothing but an easy hussy!”

“Please don’t talk like that!” I whimpered, falling to my knees before him and taking his hands. “I promise I won’t do it again! I’m so sorry!” Fat tears rolled down my face.

“I don’t want you associating with that… bugger ever again! Is that clear?”

I nodded, looking up at him. “I’m so sorry!”

“Get up!” he ordered.

I got to my feet and he roughly turned me around and pushed me to the kitchen table. He bent me over the tabletop and lifted my skirts. I was too scared to do anything but cry out in pain and surprise as he pushed into me. The tears that had just been running down my face dried. This was my life now.

+++

I limped back to the house half an hour later, hugging myself, shivering, but not from cold. What should I do now?

If Peter told anyone what he had done to me… No other man would ever have me.

A couple of servants sat in the Hall as I passed them, but no one seemed to even take notice of me. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to talk to anyone anyways.

I went upstairs, took a bath and went straight to bed. The last night took its toll and despite a million thoughts racing through my head, sleep pulled me under quickly.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate comes clean with Thomas, about the things she did while he was gone.   
> They find an unexpected ally.

Everything hurt when the morning call woke me.

I didn’t want to get up.

I didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone.

I just wanted to… stop existing.

A knock on my door an indeterminate amount of time later made me startle awake once more. I must have fallen asleep again.

“Yes?” I said, voice hoarse.

Mrs. Hughes stepped inside. “Are you quite alright?”

I sat up in bed, grimacing at the fresh wave of pain from my nether regions.

“Dear Lord, what happened to you?” she exclaimed, looking at my face.

I reached up and touched my cheek. The skin still felt hot. “Nothing,” I self-consciously whispered.

“This doesn’t look like nothing to me,” she said, pulling the chair close to my bed and sitting down.

“I… don’t want to talk about it… I’ve been terribly stupid,” I sniffled, fidgeting with the corner of my blanket just so I wouldn’t have to look her in the eye.

“Dear child, we all make mistakes. Whatever it is, you can tell me,” she said.

“You’ll think me rotten if I do.”

She shook her head, looking down at her hands, hesitating, thinking. “Don’t think I didn’t notice how you pulled back into yourself those past months,” she said. “I realize now I should have tried to talk to you and I have to apologize for this terrible neglect, but I told myself it was due to Thomas being gone. I thought you missed him… but now he is back and you’re no better.”

I swallowed.

“You went to see Mr. Johnson last night, yes?” she continued.

I nodded.

“And he has had word of how you spent the night before?” She had added one plus one quite quickly. How long would it take the others to do the same, once they saw me?

I nodded again.

“I was afraid that would happen. I should have taken that tray up myself… Daisy can be a terrible gossip…”

I sniffled.

“You’ll break off that engagement, yes? No man should treat his future wife like this.” Her eyes darted to my cheek once again… if only she knew that wasn’t even the worst of it.

“I can’t,” I cried out.

“Why ever not?”

“We… we did… things…” I gestured vaguely so I wouldn’t have to say the word.

“My dear girl,” she said, putting a gentle hand to my arm.

“I told you you’d think me rotten…”

She shook her head. “Quite the opposite! We all have our pasts.”

I looked up at her, wondering just what kind of past she was referring to. “So, what should I do?”

“I’m afraid I don’t have any advice at this time. I’ll have to think on it. You may stay in your room for today. Get some rest. We’ll tell the others you have a cold.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Hughes,” I whispered.

She smiled at me kindly and got up.

I didn’t leave my room all day, perfectly playing the part of being ill. Anna brought me breakfast and lunch on a tray and in the evening…

I was buried under my blanket up to my shoulders, half awake, half dreaming of a better world, where a woman wasn’t judged by what a man chose to do to her, when the door opened again.

Expecting Anna, I didn’t look up.

But it wasn’t her.

“How do you feel?” Thomas said.

I startled upright in bed.

I must look a fright, having stayed in my room all day, crying, not combing my hair or washing my face. I pulled the blanket up so he wouldn’t see me.

The tray was placed on my desk with a clatter and the bed dipped when Thomas sat down. He pulled the blanket down far enough so he could see my eyes.

“I don’t know,” I truthfully said. I had somehow managed to bury everything that concerned Peter in the very back of my mind, but along with it I had buried much of everything else. At this point, all I felt was a whole lot of nothing.

Thomas placed a gentle hand on my forehead and I realized he was feeling my temperature. He’d had medical training now. I wouldn’t be able to fool him into believing I was sick.

He moved his cool fingers to my cheek and I pulled back. My skin was still tender.

“You’re not sick,” he said, voice low.

“I am!” I insisted.

He shook his head. “What happened?”

“Nothing.”

He raised an eyebrow.

I didn’t want to tell him… but… I would have to, eventually. Sooner or later someone would tell him and it would definitely sit better with him if I was the one to…

“I…” I swallowed. “I got engaged.”

His eyebrows went upwards. “Last night?”

“No,” I shook my head. “A while ago…”

“That’s… that’s good,” he slowly said, sitting up straighter. He even forced a smile onto his face.

He wasn’t fooling me.

I knew the look in his eyes. It wasn’t a congratulatory look. Quite the opposite, unsurprisingly. I shouldn’t have told him. Not yet, but I had started now and I couldn’t stop at this point. “It didn’t… sit very well with him when someone told him I spent the night with you…”

Thomas’ eyes went wide when he realized what I was saying. “He hit you! What gives him the right? I’m going to kill him!” He got up and took a step towards the door.

I was out of bed in a second, grabbing his arm. “Thomas, no!”

He turned back, looking down at me for a second.

I wanted to say something, but… he stepped close and pulled me against him so quickly, our teeth clicked together.

We kissed… for the first time in almost a year.

I felt his touch all the way through my body, the little jolt of… happiness? travelled from my head all the way down to my toes.

I had forgotten how good he tasted, how warm his scent made me feel, how secure I felt in his arms.

It was magical.

I felt nothing like that with Peter.

Getting engaged to him had been one of the stupidest things I had ever done in my life. How could I have thought what I felt for him was love? Just because he had treated me nice… for a while…

I pulled away. Tears were rolling down my cheek and my heart ached terribly.

“Shhh…” Thomas put his chin on top of my head and pulled me against him that much closer. His arms came around me until he practically encompassed me all the way.

He wasn’t back to working yet, so he wasn’t in his livery, but instead wore a soft white linen shirt and pants, held up by a pair of suspenders. With him dressed casually like that and me in my nightgown, there was barely anything separating us and I felt the heat of his skin. It warmed me almost all the way through.

I never wanted him to let go again.

The door was opened without a knock and Thomas and I jumped apart as if hit by lightning.

“Thomas, there you are!” Mrs. Hughes exclaimed. “I didn’t mean for you to take up the tray… I could have…” she paused as she realized she had interrupted us, “sent someone else!”

“I know,” he cleared his throat, “but I saw it standing there and I wanted to look in on Kate anyways...”

“Look in is what you young people call it these days, my my…” Mrs. Hughes raised an eyebrow at us, smiling fondly.

I swallowed.

“My lips are sealed, because I have done you terribly wrong, Kate, I owe that much to you, but don’t you think this means you get to do how you please! There are rules and they will be obeyed!” she said in a tone that allowed no backtalk. “And I don’t think your fiancé would care to hear about Thomas looking in on you,” she said, putting the emphasis on the ‘looking in’ part.

I sniffled and turned away. She was right. Peter had forbidden me from associating with Thomas, but… what gave him the right? I wasn’t his property! Not yet anyways…

Thomas put a reassuring hand on my shoulder.

“You may stay for the moment,” Mrs. Hughes said, “but remember: doors open!” She left us alone, pointedly leaving the door open.

I sighed and turned towards Thomas again.

“You have to break off the engagement,” Thomas said.

“I…” I swallowed, lips quivering. “I can’t.”

“Why ever not?”

“I… we… we did…”

Thomas took a step backwards and looked at me earnestly. “And after you were so adamant about waiting with me…”

“I know,” I sniffled, “but we were engaged and he wanted to… and I… he… didn’t exactly ask…” I broke off. I had known Thomas wouldn’t want me anymore, now that I was soiled. For all it was worth, I might already be with child. I couldn’t blame him!

I hugged myself and turned away. I had made my bed and now I’d have to sleep in it, quite literally.

Thomas took me by the shoulders and turned me towards him. “Break off the engagement!” he said again. “You won’t get married to a man who makes you do things you don’t want to do. Not while I’m alive!”

I looked up at him earnestly. “That’s not the only thing… he knows about you… about… that part the law… deems illegal.”

He paled. “How?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know.”

“He has no proof!”

“No… but… townsfolk won’t ask for proof.”

+++

It was late at night and I was alone, tossing from one side to the other, unable to sleep. I don’t like to admit it, but when Thomas’ first scream resounded through the hallway, I was almost glad. I wouldn’t have to spend the night alone.

Daisy was already out in the corridor when I opened my door. “You’re sick. You should stay in bed,” she hissed.

Mrs. Hughes appeared in her doorway, carrying the key to the forbidden door.

She looked tired.

I couldn’t blame her.

“Daisy, you got an early day tomorrow. Go back to bed. I will take care of Thomas myself,” she said.

Daisy waited for another few seconds, looking at Mrs. Hughes and me, waiting.

“Kate, you go back to sleep as well. Daisy is right.”

I nodded and stepped back into my own bedroom, just waiting until I heard Daisy’s door close.

Less than half a minute later, I followed Mrs. Hughes to the men’s side.

“At this rate, we will have to give you your own key,” she muttered.

I blushed. If only she knew…

Mr. Carson was out and about as well. He looked annoyed and relieved at the same time; annoyed with Thomas interrupting his sleep, relieved over seeing Mrs. Hughes and me.

I left them in the corridor and stepped right into Thomas’ room, not bothering to turn on the overhead light. I knew his room by heart and didn’t need my eyes to find his bed.

He was groaning and thrashing about in the throes of a nightmare, his blanket caught around his legs as he had kicked it down.

I hurried towards him and took a gentle hold of his hands after turning on the bedside lamp. “Thomas,” I muttered, “Thomas!” I placed a hand on his temple and stroked down his clammy face. It was… odd to have our roles reversed so quickly after this evening.

His eyes opened and he looked at me, breathing hard for a couple seconds.

“Everything’s alright,” I said.

“No,” he muttered. “Nothing’s alright…” This wasn’t about his dream. I shouldn’t have told him about Peter. I had only added to his distress with my problems… I had been selfish.

I wanted to kiss Thomas, apologize, but I had left the door open, as Mrs. Hughes had demanded this afternoon.

Thomas either hadn’t noticed or he didn’t care about it, as he pulled me on top of him.

I gave a surprised yelp that pulled Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson inside the room.

“Thomas!” Mr. Carson exclaimed, taking a couple quick steps and bodily pulling me up from the bed.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Carson,” Thomas said, sitting up in bed, trying to straighten himself up.

“Are you quite unharmed, Kate?” Mr. Carson looked me up and down as if Thomas pulling me into his bed had somehow defiled me… if only he knew how well I had already taken care of that myself.

“Yes, I’m alright,” I said, standing up from the bed, brushing down my nightgown, so I wouldn’t have to look at Mr. Carson.

“Can we leave you here to take care of Thomas?” Mrs. Hughes asked.

“Of course,” I quickly nodded, pulling a chair towards the bed.

“I take it, your illness is quite cured then?” Mr. Carson asked, raising a disapproving eyebrow.

“Yes, Mr. Carson.” I said.

“Must have been one of those one-day viruses going around,” Mrs. Hughes said.

“Yes, that was probably it.” I quickly agreed.

“We’ll get back to bed then,” Mrs. Hughes said, ushering Mr. Carson out the door and pulling it almost closed behind her.

I waited until I heard Mr. Carson’s door close and stepped back towards the bed, wondering for a tenth of a second if I should take the chair for the night. The decision was easy.

Thomas wrapped himself around me from behind as I crawled into bed with him, spooning me, like he had done that very first time we had spent the night, so many months ago.

“You must think me quite a coward,” he muttered against the back of my head, “waking the whole house every couple nights because of a stupid dream.”

“Don’t say something like that.” I pulled his hand up and kissed his fingers one by one. “You’ve been through war. Stronger men would have trouble sleeping after that.” I paused. “And I didn’t want to spend tonight alone anyways.”

He nuzzled his face deeper into my hair and pressed a warm kiss to the back of my neck. “I wouldn’t want you to have to be by yourself either…”

We both went silent for so long I thought he must have fallen asleep.

“You have to leave him…” he suddenly said.

I shook my head into the darkness. “I’ll have to stay with him… for now… If I leave him, he will ruin us both…”

“You can’t let him keep hurting you!”

I swallowed. “I have to! But the second I have something on him… anything, I will walk out his door and never look back!”

Thomas said nothing.

“I love you, Thomas. Always have…” I whispered. “I should never have said yes to Peter… I’m sorry for pulling you into this mess…”

He squeezed me tighter at that and mumbled something against the back of my head. I thought it was him telling me he loved me too.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter shows his real face more and more... but he makes a mistake!

On my next half-day, I went down to the village to see my betrothed. Oh how I had come to hate that word!

I had started working in the Pharmacy with him so he could teach me his trade, as he called it. I thought he mostly did it so he had my free labour. He would make up the medicines and concoctions and I would ring up the customers. It was boring and he kept talking down to me as if I was a child. I had learned my sums and letters in school, years ago, yet he insisted on looking over my shoulder whenever I handled ‘his’ money.

It had been a long afternoon and it was slowly getting dark outside. Peter knew I had quite a way to walk and I would have to walk it in the dark if he kept me in the store any longer, yet he didn’t send me home, even though there were only a very few customers coming in this late.

The bell above the door rang and we got up from where we had been sitting at the kitchen table and moved into the salesroom. He had been brooding over some pamphlet, muttering under his breath. I had been trying to read an old medicine book he had given me, to learn how to be a Pharmacist’s wife. The pages were yellowed, the letters so faded in places, it was near impossible to decipher anything in the low candlelight.

I was glad for the interruption and welcomed the mother and young child that had stepped inside the store. The mother went to talk to Peter and I moved to entertain the child. Both wore patched, worn clothes and the child’s face was so dirty, I could barely tell the colour of its skin. The girl’s eyes were bright and curious as she looked around the pharmacy though, taking in all the mysterious jars and boxes on the shelves that went up to the ceiling.

I didn’t hear what Peter and the mother were talking about and I didn’t care. The little girl was just too precious. Despite looking badly malnourished, she seemed curious as only a young child could be as she stood in the middle of the shop, suckling her thumb.

On a hunch, I went into the kitchen and took a piece of bread from the pantry. Peter made good money in his store. He could afford it.

The girl’s eyes went wide when I handed her the bread and she greedily took big bites of it, wolfing it down as if she was scared it would be taken away from her if she wasn’t fast enough. She had siblings, then.

Peter looked at me from where he was still talking with the mother and something glinted in his eyes. He remained perfectly civil towards his customer though.

That was the thing about him. As long as there were people around, he was the nicest man alive. The man I had fallen in love with.

Too bad his entire behaviour changed the moment he stepped through the curtain into the back room. I swallowed. He had seen me give away his bread. And he didn’t seem to like that.

Never letting my gaze wander away from him, I got to my feet and moved to the cash register to ring up the woman’s purchase.

“Get back into the kitchen,” Peter said. “I’ll finish this myself and then lock up after that.” His voice was gentle, but there was something underneath…

“Thank you dear,” I said, placing a careful hand on his arm as I moved past him, hoping to soothe his mood before he would grow angry again.

To no avail.

I heard the bell ring as the customers left the shop. The key was turned in the lock and quick, heavy steps moved towards the back room.

I mentally prepared myself for what was to come, involuntarily pulling up my shoulders.

“How dare you?” he grumbled.

I said nothing.

“Giving away what isn’t yours! HOW DARE YOU!”

I still said nothing and didn’t move in my chair. Maybe he would forget I was even there…

He didn’t. A rough hand grabbed my hair and jerked my head up to look at him. “Answer me!”

Crying out, I reached up to stop him from ripping my hair out. He let go and stepped around me.

“Get out! I don’t want you here! You’re nothing but a thief!”

For a moment I hoped he would break off our engagement then and there, free me, free both of us, but… no such luck.

I took a tentative step towards the front, knowing full well he could still come after me, as he had so often done. And he did. He grabbed me by the shoulder and turned me to face him.

I clenched my teeth so hard, I thought I could hear the bones in my jaw crack. My hands were balled into tight fists, fingernails digging into my skin. I wouldn’t cry! I would not cry!! I stared straight ahead, motionlessly, eyes focused on the wall behind his shoulder.

His hand was swift as he slapped me. The pain forced tears into my eyes but I blinked them away, swallowing hard. I wouldn’t cry!

“Go!” he said again and gave me a shove towards the door.

I caught myself on the doorframe, but slipped. Pain jolted through my whole arm as I bent my wrist at an awkward angle. I gritted my teeth harder. I wouldn’t cry!

Without turning around, I stumbled towards the exit, breathing through the pain. I unlocked the door and stepped through, welcoming the cool night air on my hot face.

I didn’t stop to take in the air though. Not for a second. He wouldn’t come after me out here, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of having rattled me.

I cradled my hand against my chest, careful not to further aggravate my wrist. It pounded in time with my pulse and it was already swelling up. And with every pound I felt the little adoration I still had for Peter die.

+++

A few of the other servants were sitting in the Hall and playing cards, Thomas sitting with them, but not playing. His face lit up as he saw me and then darkened when he noticed my expression.

He put his magazine on the table and got up. The others didn’t seem to notice or care.

“What happened?” he said, pulling me into the corridor where we would be undisturbed for the moment.

I looked at the ground, wiping away the single tear that made its way down over my cheek.

Thomas, trained field medic that he was, immediately noticed how I held my hand. He took it in his and quickly examined my wrist before pulling me after him, towards Mrs. Hughes’ sitting room.

“Yes?” she answered his knock.

He opened the door and lead me inside.

Mrs. Hughes’ expression darkened upon seeing me. “Oh that wretched man!” she exclaimed.

“I’ll get some ice,” Thomas said and left.

“Sit down, child. What did he do to you now?” She pointed me to the comfortable sofa and I sat.

“I stumbled…” I said.

“…and fell on your face?”

I said nothing.

Thomas came back with an icepack, no doubt having had to talk Mrs. Patmore out of it, and sat down next to me.

“You can’t go back to that man, child,” Mrs. Hughes said, as Thomas expertly placed the ice on my swollen wrist. “It’s a shame… he seems so friendly in his store, always having a kind word for everyone… but to treat you like this…”

I made a sound that was half scoff, half whimper and pulled my iced hand against my chest. “I can’t leave him, not yet.”

“I can’t say I understand why you’d think that, but I assume you’ll have your reasons.” She looked between Thomas and I pointedly. “You’re a smart girl. You’ll know what’s best.”

Silence descended upon us.

My wrist still pounded, but the ice was already taking effect.

Mrs. Hughes, after giving me one more pitying look, got up and went back to her desk, allowing us to remain in her room while she worked, her back turned to us.

Thomas had been sitting on the very edge of the sofa. He moved closer towards me, placing his hand on my thigh.

The tears I hadn’t allowed myself to shed in front of Peter slowly started trickling down my cheeks. I didn’t know how much longer I could take staying with him. Thomas turned to look over his shoulder, making sure Mrs. Hughes was still sitting with her back to us, before he put his arm around my shoulders. I silently cried against him, letting out all of my sorrows. Only the thought I was doing this for us kept me from completely breaking down.

Over the next week, Thomas’ nightmares slowly but surely became less frequent and much less violent. Not once did he wake us up with his screams. I hated to admit it, but I was glad I got a few nights of uninterrupted sleep.

My wrist still hurt, but the tight bandage Dr. Clarkson had put on made things better. I had told him I had hurt myself while working in the house. He was great friends with Peter, naturally, since they practically shared their profession, and I didn’t want to alarm him.

I dreaded my next half-day more and more the closer it got. I didn’t want to go down to see Peter again. Each time I had been with him over the past month… ever since we’d… done… the thing, he had acted crueller and crueller towards me. I pitied the woman who would one day marry him, because at this point, I knew I would rather kill myself than say yes to him. The only question was how I would get out of it without him telling the world about Thomas’ and my transgressions.

Thomas, having been deemed fit to serve again, took up his job as a footman once more. I waited for him to come downstairs after serving his Lordship’s breakfast on the very first day.

“How did it go?” I asked as he set down the last of the trays.

Thomas sat down, pulling off the glove he had taken to wearing and started to rub his hand. “I didn’t drop anything,” he shrugged, not seeming entirely satisfied with himself. He was like Mr. Carson in that way, deeming his best barely good enough.

I sighed.

The wound still looked angry and red. The bullet had gone right through his hand, thankfully only grazing the sinews or he would have lost all use of most of his hand. As it was, he still had trouble bending the last two fingers, but it was getting better.

I took his hand in both of mine and rubbed his fingers and palm, damn what anyone else might think.

Thomas leaned back, closing his eyes. He grimaced every now and again, but didn’t tell me to stop.

“And what, pray tell, are you still doing downstairs, Kate?” Mr. Carson suddenly said, appearing in the doorway.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Carson. I only wanted to ask Thomas how his first day was going so far.”

“We'd all like to spend our days in leisure, as used to be Thomas’ wont those past weeks, but alas, we can't, so go upstairs and find the other maids,” Mr. Carson dismissively said.

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing at the way Thomas rolled his eyes. “Yes, Mr. Carson,” I said instead.

I was making up one of the guestrooms. A big houseparty was expected to arrive from tomorrow and everything had to be spotless.

I didn’t hear Anna at first when she arrived, as the infernal noise of the vacuum drowned out everything else. I startled when she touched my shoulder.

“Lady Mary asked me to go down to the village to pick up something from the Pharmacy,” she said. “But since you’re engaged to Mr. Johnson, I thought…” She shrugged, smiling at me good naturedly.

I swallowed.

I very much didn’t want to see Peter, but… “Yes, let me just finish this room and then I’ll run.”

“Thank you so much,” she said, handing me a piece of paper. “That’s the prescription.”

I nodded and put the paper in my pocket.

Anna was about to leave, when her gaze fell at my bandaged hand. “What happened there? I wanted to ask last night, but I must have forgotten.”

“Oh this? It’s nothing,” I lied. “Just hurt my hand when I… turned… the… the… mattress in my room.”

Anna looked at me suspiciously but didn’t press any further. I hated lying to her. She deserved better, but I figured the less people knew about… my problems, the better it was.

I took my time walking to the village. It was cold and the wind bit through my coat, but the slower I walked, the later I would have to see Peter… Why hadn’t I simply said no to Anna? She could have gone herself… she wouldn’t have minded.

Much too soon I arrived in the village and in front of Peter’s store. I forced myself to smile a greeting at Mrs. James, the vicar’s housekeeper as she stepped out. “Can’t stay away from your beloved, can you?” She grinned at me from her round, red face. “Oh to be young and in love again…”

She walked on before I had the chance to answer. I wouldn’t have known what to say to her anyways…

I stepped inside the store and Peter looked up at me from where he was working on the counter. “What do you want here? It’s not your half-day!” Way to make me feel welcome!

“I’m not here for you,” I said. “Her Ladyship sent me to pick up something…” I carefully took a step closer and handed him the paper.

He unfolded it and squinted up at the boxes on the topmost shelf to the right of the store, where he kept the poisonous herbs. He had explained to me time and time again, how those could be used to heal in small quantities. He took the stepladder he kept for the express purpose of getting up to that shelf and pulled out a paperbag, filled with something. Aconyte was written on the side. It looked almost empty from where I stood.

He walked back to the area of the counter where he prepared the herbal blends and whatever else his customers wanted and set up his scales to the amount it said in the prescription, he carefully poured a fine powder on the scale dish until it tipped.

“What happened to your hand?” he absentmindedly asked as he worked, half turning towards me. He didn’t even remember how he had shoved me against the doorframe…

“I turned the mattress in my room and hurt myself,” I said through gritted teeth.

He snorted. “Clumsy too… on top of everything else…”

I pretended I hadn’t heard what he said and remained silent. If he thought so little of me, why didn’t he simply let me go? Why did he torture us both by keeping this engagement?

He looked into the almost empty paperbag and at the scales once more and, with a shrug, poured out the rest of the powder, making the scales tip. I frowned. That didn’t seem safe. Especially not for something that came from the poison shelf.

“Aconyte, Aconyte,…” I mumbled to myself, trying to remember. I had never heard the name before, but I had to make sure it wasn’t dangerous before I gave it to Anna.

“She’s to take the whole of it as a bath additive before going to bed in the evening,” he instructed. If I had expected a kind word as a goodbye, I was wrong. Another customer came inside and he was much too occupied serving them to say anything to me.

+++

The kitchen was empty for once. That was… surprising. Mrs. Patmore rarely left it. Sometimes I wondered if she had a cot hidden in the pantry somewhere that she slept on, so she could guard her precious workspace day and night.

Making sure she wasn’t hidden somewhere, I put on the kettle and spooned out a bit of the Aconyte. Aconyte, Aconyte, I kept on saying to myself.

When the kettle boiled, I poured it over the herbs and waited, hastily wrapping the package up again. Peter himself had thought me how one could learn a lot about a dried herb by pouring boiling water over it. The smell, the colour, everything told you something about what one had before them.

I sniffed the cup and grimaced. It smelled vile. The yellow-ish colour didn’t look very inviting either. Poor Lady Mary, for having to bathe in it.

“What are you doing in my kitchen? Out! Out!” Mrs. Patmore suddenly cried out.

I hastily poured the vile cup down the drain before turning towards her. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Patmore!” I muttered. “I thought I would make myself some tea, but it seems I’m not a very talented cook.”

Before she could say anything, I hurried past her.

I ran up to my room and hid the package under my pillow before moving down to the library. I had to look up what Aconyte was. If it came from the poison shelf, it shouldn’t be used in such large quantities, I knew as much.

Hurrying past the other servants in the hallways, everyone busily cleaning every mote of dust in sight, I didn’t stop to talk to anyone. If Anna saw me, she would want the medicine for Lady Mary and I couldn’t give it to her before I had made sure it wasn’t dangerous…

I prayed no one would be using the Library. A sense of urgency washed over me as if finding out what Peter had given me was the most important thing in the world. And maybe it was. The poison shelf… I couldn’t get that out of my mind.

I stumbled into the Library and stopped. His Lordship was sitting at his desk. He looked up. “Do you need to clean in here? Please, don’t let me stop you, I know everyone downstairs is very busy,” he said.

“Thank you, my Lord,” I muttered, busily moving past him. There were books about the fauna and flora of the whole of the United Kingdom in the very back, including the colonies. I hoped they would have the medicinal values in them as well.

Moving past him, I scanned the books, absentmindedly dusting imaginary dust away from them.

There it was.

I pulled out the big volume as silently as possible and put it on one of the chairs. His Lordship was bent over his papers and seemed disinclined to notice my still being there. Good. I couldn’t bother with him now…

Aconyte thankfully was in the very front.

I paled, when I saw what it was and how dangerous it was in large quantities.

If Lady Mary were to use it in a bath…

I had been about to close the book when I noticed a small paragraph on the very bottom. It said there, that an infusion made from it was a light green colour and smelled fresh and inviting. I shook my head. What I had made downstairs had been anything but light green and if the way it had smelled was supposed to be fresh, I was a giraffe.

Curiouser and curiouser!

I closed the book and carefully put it back onto the shelf, leaving the room through the servants’ door in the back.

“Do you have Lady Mary’s medicine?” Anna said, hurrying towards me in the corridor.

I shook my head. “He was all out of it. He’ll get a new delivery on Monday. I’m sorry!”

Anna sighed. “That’s alright. Thank you for going for me anyways.”

“Anytime.” I smiled at her weakly and she hurried on past me.

What should I do now?

What Peter had given me definitely wasn’t what Dr. Clarkson had prescribed. I went back upstairs to my room and sat down on my bed, thinking.

I had to get rid of whatever Peter had given me. How… then it dawned on me.

He had given me something wrong. And with the way he had weighed it out, he had been aware of it. He could possibly have killed Lady Mary… or sold me something useless for an excessive price.

My heartbeat sped up. Could this be what I had been looking for? Something to rid me of him? To get him to break off the engagement?

He wouldn’t want for anyone to find out about this! It would ruin his reputation as well as his business… and if I played it right, it might possibly get him to prison as well.

This was what I had been looking for!

Something to hold over him.

This would free me!

I got up. I had to…

Stepping out of my room, I hurried downstairs again.

I had to find Thomas, I had to tell him!

I ran into him on the staircase and didn’t even stop to tell him my news before I threw my arms around him and pulled him close, kissing him.

He didn’t ask questions, just kissed me back, deeply, not caring if anyone were to see us.

This was the greatest thing that had happened to us in so long! I could barely make myself let go of him, but I had to tell him…

Thomas grinned at me broadly when I took a step back and took his hands instead. He was incredibly beautiful when he smiled. His whole face lit up. He should do it much more often. “What’s gotten you so excited?”

I grinned back at him even broader, if that was even possible. “I found it!”

He lifted an eyebrow, still smiling.

“I found the thing to free me from Peter! And you as well!”

“What… how?”

“It’s… I can’t tell you, but I… I’ll break it to him tonight!” I was free! “I’m free! We’re free!”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate frees herself from her Engagement with Peter... not in the way she intends to though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me a while to post... but I already got 2 more chapters almost done! So they'll come more quickly! <3

Evening couldn’t come soon enough after that.

I told Mrs. Hughes I was going to break off my engagement tonight and she excused me from dinner. Thomas offered to come with me, but I told him I wanted to do it alone.

Big mistake.

I arrived breathless, having run most of the way in my excitement, and rapped on the glass in the door.

“What do you want here?” Peter barked, opening the door. “And at this hour…” What a way to welcome his future wife.

How could I have been so stupid as to ever say yes to him?

“May I come inside?” I asked, hiding my annoyance.

Peter looked me up and down and stepped to the side, closing the door behind me. He put his arm around me and his hand travelled downwards, cupping my bottom through my dress.

I ignored his overly familiar and highly improper gesture and took a deep breath. I had to say it now or I would lose my nerve.

“I want to break off our engagement.”

“You what?” He took a step backwards, raising an eyebrow at me.

“You,” I cleared my throat as my voice threatened to break. “You heard me.”

“Have you forgotten what we talked about? Do you want everyone to find out about…”

“That was before,” I interrupted him.

“Before?” He shook his head, looking at me as if I was some kind of madwoman.

“Before you gave me bad medicine for Lady Mary.”

That seemed to get through to him. “What are you talking about?”

“Aconyte,” I said, hoping I remembered the name right.

He shook his head questioningly.

“Whatever you gave me, it wasn’t what you were supposed to give me.”

He snorted. “And how would you know that?”

“This… is the poison shelf!” I pointed at the shelf in question. “You told me time and time again how it was important to only ever use the smallest quantities of that and work very precisely when handling anything that came from there. But you weren’t working precisely this afternoon. The scales tipped. And you noticed it! Aconyte, if weighed out imprecise, could kill Lady Mary. You wouldn’t have acted the way you acted if…”

He snorted. “You don’t have proof. Why would anyone believe you? You’re just a woman.”

“I don’t think Lady Mary will care about proof if it her life is on the line.”

Peter took a step towards me. “You wouldn’t dare!”

Had he grown taller? He seemed taller…

… but I stood my ground! It didn’t matter how tall he had suddenly grown. This was about principle.

He grabbed my arm and squeezed tight, shaking me.

I swallowed. “I would.”

His fingers tightened.

I grimaced but remained quiet. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

“Go then!” He suddenly shoved me backwards.

I caught myself against the counter.

“I wish you luck with that… that sodomite footman! I hope you’ll enjoy working in service all your life, wondering if he buggered anyone that day!”

“I will,” I whispered. I’d rather be in the poorhouse than with him. I took a sideways step to the door, not daring to show him my back.

I knew him.

I knew what he was capable of when he was mad. And he really was mad. His eyes, his body, the thin line of his mouth… everything looked as if he was about to explode.

And he did explode, but not in a way I had expected.

He moved between the door and I, cutting off my way, and his hands went to my throat.

He squeezed so tight, I saw stars within a few seconds. My hands were on his arms, trying to get him to let go, fingernails digging into his skin.

He didn’t even seem to feel it.

I moved backwards as far as I could, until my back hit the counter and even then I didn’t stop. I had to get away from him. Bending over the counter backwards, as far as my corset allowed did nothing to help me. He moved with me, pressing his crotch against mine and I felt that oh so familiar hardness I had come to hate.

He enjoyed this…

Tears came to my eyes.

How could he enjoy this?

Black spots danced over my vision, growing bigger by the second and I knew he would kill me if I didn’t do anything.

I had to get away from him!

My hands went behind me, to the counter, trying to reach anything to… I gripped something heavy and cold and wrapped my fingers around it.

I didn’t think about possible consequences of what I was about to do. I didn’t care what it was I had grabbed. It didn’t matter. I lifted it up overhead and brought it down on Peter’s head as hard as I could.

A million glass shards and some kind of oily liquid rained down over me.

Peter looked dazed. His hands slackened around my throat and I greedily breathed in lungs full of air as he took a step backwards, eyes wide, mouth forming a soundless “O” of surprise.

For a moment I thought my struggle was over, I was free from him and free to leave…

Then he toppled over and on top of me. He slid downwards from the counter, pulling me with him. No matter how much I struggled to remain upright, I couldn’t manage. My legs were wobbly and the counter and the floor were much too oily.

My feet slipped out from under me and I went down, hitting my head on the counter.

For the second time in as many minutes I saw stars before my eyes.

Peter landed half on top of me. He was bleeding from the back of his head. A lot.

I could sense the warmth of his blood as it seeped through my skirts. It made me feel queasy.

I had to get out from under him!

Everything was oily and slippery and full of glass and my arms and legs were shaking so hard… and I felt like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the room. 

My breathing sped up and my stomach heaved. This couldn’t be happening.

It seemed the harder I struggled, the less I achieved. My skirts caught around my legs and Peter seemed to weigh a million pounds. Neither my hands nor my feet found purchase anywhere around.

Out of the corner of my eyes I noticed my hands were bleeding as well, glass sticking from my palms, but that hardly mattered.

All that mattered was I had to get away.

Away from Peter, away from this situation, away!

The door opened.

The bell ringing sounded oddly normal to my panicked brain.

I looked up.

Thomas. Thomas?

He stepped inside and stopped; standing stock still, staring at me and at the rapidly growing pool of blood on the ground. A blessed gust of cool air came inside before the door could fall closed.

Air! I needed Air!

Again, I struggled to get out from under Peter and again I failed, achieving nothing but to drive the big glass shard even farther into my palm.

Thomas stared at me, his face drawn with concentration. He looked far away.

No! He couldn’t… he had to help me! He had to fix this!

“Help me, please,” I whimpered. I needed to get away from here.

Thomas shook his head as if shaking off a bad dream and carefully moved towards me.

Taking great care not to step into the puddle, he bodily rolled Peter off of me. Peter’s body moved like a ragdoll, his eyes were open wide and emptily stared at the ceiling as his head lolled backwards.

Thomas’ gaze fell on the dead body and he froze again, breathing hard. The muscles in his jaw worked as he gritted his teeth. His eyes glazed over.

I pulled the biggest shard out of my palm and cried out in pain.

The small noise seemed to pull Thomas back into the real world. He reached for me and I clung to him as he pulled me to my feet, careless of my bloody, oily state. He pulled me close and I held on to him for dear life, burying my face against his chest, tears and other liquids staining the pristine linen of his shirt.

He stiffly put his arms around me and patted my head.

I didn’t know how long we stood there, the blood of my dead fiancé puddling around our feet. The irony smell mixed with the herbal scent from the oil, in the stale, much too warm air.

My pulse slowly went back to normal as Thomas held me.

It went straight up through the roof again, when the door opened once more.

“My, my, my, what do we have here? And people down in York say a Policeman is useless in a village like Downton.”

Thomas took a step away from me and I felt like part of me was ripped away. “Constable Hill,” he said.

I swallowed hard.

“Now who is going to explain to me what happened here?”

“We had a fight! It was an accident!” I blurted out.

“Who had a fight? And who did this?” Constable Hill prompted, looking between Thomas and me.

“I… Peter and I…” A fit of coughing, so harsh it brought tears to my eyes, stopped me from continuing. My throat hurt as if something inside had been crushed.

Thomas carefully put his hand to the small of my back.

In this moment, all I wanted was to turn into him and for everything to stop. This couldn’t be real! Things like this only happened in bad dreams!

Constable Hill slowly moved to crouch over Peters’ body, examining him, and then looked at me as he got to his feet. He moved towards us and I took a small step backwards as the he looked me up and down. He took my chin between two fingers, lifting my head and turning it left and right, so he could inspect my neck. Then he took a step back and looked at Thomas. “And what is your part in this, Mr. Barrow it is, right?”

Thomas nodded, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. “Kate went to see her fiancé this evening. “He,” he nervously cleared his throat, “hasn’t been treating her very well and I had a bad feeling about her coming to see him all by herself, so I followed her.”

“Is that true?” The Constable turned to me.

I nodded. “Yes, I… Peter… he...” I coughed. “Yes, it’s true.”

The Constable pulled down the corners of his mouth and turned to look at Peter again. “That’s odd to hear,” he said, without looking at us, “considering everyone who knows Peter Johnson would tell you he was a good man.”

I sniffled. I had the bruises to prove the opposite. Faded, but still…

“Kate has been coming back from seeing him bruised and battered more than once,” Thomas put in, moving just the tiniest bit closer to me.

“Dr Clarkson will be the judge of that,” Constable Hill said, turning back around to face us again. “You will see the good Doctor tomorrow. For today, I’ll have to take you in.”

“What?” I looked at Thomas helplessly.

“Constable, really?” he said.

“She is under suspicion of murdering Peter Johnson. Would you have me let her run?”

“Don’t you see she’s shaken up?”

“It… he would have killed me if I…” I muttered.

“So you claim,” Constable Hill interrupted me, “and yet, I have known Peter Johnson since he was a lad… He wouldn’t harm a fly.”

“Not a fly maybe… but…” I broke off, half coughing, half sobbing. My throat hurt, as did my head.

I helplessly looked at Thomas as the Constable put handcuffs on my wrists, frowning at the bandaged one.

“Dr Clarkson seen this?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Good. Come with me, if you will.”

I swallowed. I didn’t know what to do, what to say, how to act.

Constable Hill was a just man, but he was still a Policeman, and Policemen weren’t known to feel too kindly towards suspected murderers.

He took me by the arm and led me out of the Pharmacy, taking the key from the inside of the door and locking up behind us.

He was a short man and rather fat, but his steps were quick and purposeful as he led us through the village. There was still light in some of the windows, but most everyone seemed to be asleep.

Thomas, hurrying by my side up until now, stopped, when we passed the crossroads that went towards Downton.

I stopped as well, looking at him, as did the Constable.

“I’ll let them know at the house, but I’ll be back,” he promised.

“You go do that, lad. You know where to find her.” He didn’t seem to care much whether Thomas went with us or left. “Come along, Miss Green, we aren’t getting any younger out here in the cold.” He started walking again and I followed him.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate gets to know the inside of a prison cell.   
> Thomas doesn't leave her side.

I had never been inside the Downton Police Station. Inside any Police Station, for that matter. It looked much like I had imagined it though. Badly illuminated at this time of day, with weak, flickering lightbulbs screwed into cheap shades dangling from the ceiling.

A big, sturdy looking desk with a swivel chair that looked like it wouldn’t carry the Constable’s weight took up most of the front. The small prison cell, separated from the main room by grimy looking iron bars was in the back. The filing cabinets by the wall looked much too big for a small village like Downton, but I didn’t have time or leisure to inspect if there even was anything inside them.

An amateurishly painted watercolour of a landscape was the only decoration in the whole room. It didn’t do anything to make it feel less the sad and dull place that it was.

Constable Hill ushered me straight to the cell closing and locking the door behind me.

I remained standing at the very front, holding on to the bars, watching him sit down at his desk and taking some kind of form from one of the drawers. He wrote a few words and then hesitated, looking at me.

“Would you care for some Whiskey, Miss Green?”

I wanted to answer him, but I felt like my mouth wasn’t quite part of me, as did the whole of my face, now that I thought of it. Everything had a surreal feeling to it. Maybe I was dreaming? Maybe I hadn’t really…

Noticing my confused state, the Constable didn’t wait for my answer. He poured a generous measure of Whiskey into a tin mug and got up, chair creaking under his weight as he moved.

I took the mug and sipped the aromatic liquid, feeling it warm me all the way down to my stomach.

The Constable walked back to his desk and sat down with a sigh. He took up his pencil again and started asking me my personal data and took my statement once again, noting everything down as I told him.

He went silent after that and only the sound of the pencil scrapping over the paper broke the silence for a while.

“What… am I supposed to do now?” I whispered.

“Try to get some sleep. Nothing is going to happen until the morning.”

I looked at the narrow cot by the wall and slowly moved towards it. There was neither pillow nor blanket, just a bare mattress that had seen better days. I did my best not to notice the various stains of all colours. My even noticing the discolorations in a time like this said a lot about how my life had changed over the past years. During my childhood, I would have been glad about a bed like this and said thank you to whoever had provided it.

The bedframe squeaked as I sat. The change in positions moved my dress and I remembered once more what had happened. The realization I still had blood all over me hit me hard. “Is there… is there any water?” I asked. My dress would be ruined but I could at least clean my hands and face and hair.

The Constable wasn’t a complete brute it seemed. He looked me up and down and nodded, getting up. Despite my being under suspicion of murder, he seemed to still remember his manners.

He made me step back before opening the cell door and putting a basin and ewer with cold water in my hands before pulling a small bar of Soap and a damp towel from the pockets in his pants.

“Thank you,” I said, voice low.

He gave me a nod and stepped out of the cell again, obviously not wanting to be inside for any longer than he absolutely had to. I couldn’t blame him.

Once washed up, I sat down on the cot again and hugged myself. My hair was wet and cold and I had lost my shawl somewhere over the course of the evening. Or had I even worn it on my way to confront Peter?

Had I really only walked down to the village a few hours ago? It seemed like it had been days since…

I swallowed.

Peter was dead.

A shiver went through me.

I still hadn’t moved when the door to the street opened again and Thomas stepped inside, bringing a cool gust of air with him. The Constable looked up from his papers and wordlessly pointed Thomas at a chair by the cell.

Thomas moved towards me first, stepping as close as the bars allowed.

I got up as well.

Not knowing what to say, I took Thomas’ hand through the bars. His skin was warm to the touch and I wished he could hold me. I was so cold…

“Mr. Carson will let his Lordship know in the morning,” Thomas said. “Nothing’s going to happen to you.”

I wanted to believe him. But if the Constable decided I hadn’t acted in self-defence, would his Lordship have anything to say about what happened to me?

“No touching!” Constable Hill barked from his desk.

Thomas slowly turned towards the Constable, not letting go of my hands. “Miss Green has been traumatized. She is scared. She needs a friend.”

“I don’t care about her trauma. I care about the law,” Constable Hill said. “And the law states there is to be no touching.”

“Does the law have anything to say about her having a blanket? Will it be considered an act of treason if I give her my coat?” Thomas snarkily said, shrugging out of his coat.

The Constable got up with an annoyed sigh and took the coat, shaking it out and making sure all the pockets were empty before he allowed Thomas to hand it to me through the bars.

I put it around my shoulders and blinked away the tears that threatened to fill my eyes. Thomas’ scent engulfing me made things somewhat better, but I was still so cold…

Thomas moved the chair the Constable had indicated earlier towards the bars, as close to my cot as possible and sat down, watching me do the same.

“Try to get some sleep,” he said, leaning towards me. “Everything will turn out alright.”

I hoped with everything I had he would be right. I was so cold… the kind of cold that didn’t stem from the outside, but from within my bones, from my heart and no matter what I did, it wouldn’t go away.

+++

I woke with my arms wrapped around me under Thomas’ coat. Everything hurt. It had gotten even colder during the night and all of my joints felt stiff. I swallowed a couple of times to dampen my parched, abused throat and tried to roll my shoulders with a groan. How could everything hurt so much?

The Constable was loudly snoring on his chair, head lolled back over the backrest, feet resting on his desk.

Thomas sat where he had last night, arms crossed over his chest, uneasily jerking his head this way and that, moaning in his sleep and, despite the cold, sweat stood on his brow.

“Thomas,” I whispered, getting up from my cot and moving towards the bars. I reached through as far as I could go, but could only reach his knee. “Thomas! Wake up!” Damn those bars!

Constable Hill sat up in his chair with a groan and a fart. He was on his feet in a second. “What do you think you’re doing?” He stepped between Thomas and I and I moved my hand back inside, feeling like a scolded child.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “He… he’s been suffering from nightmares ever since he came back from the war and…”

Another moan from Thomas, much louder this time, made the Constable take a step back. “Poor bastard,” he muttered, shaking Thomas awake by the shoulder. “Wake up, lad! You’re back home on good English soil!”

Thomas jerked awake, looking around in confusion. “Where…” he started, before his gaze fell on me.

“Are you alright?” I asked, stretching my arm towards him again under the watchful eye of the Constable.

“I should be the one asking you that,” Thomas said, clearing his throat. He looked at the other man and rubbed his face. With a deep sigh, he got to his feet, nervously taking his cigarettes from his jacket and lighting one up.

“I was in the trenches myself when I was your age,” the Constable sympathized. “T’would shake the strongest man.”

Thomas nodded and took a deep inhale from his cigarette, before offering me the pack as well. I usually didn’t care for cigarettes before breakfast, but today was… special and I took one, letting Thomas light it up for me.

The Constable turned away and left us to smoke in peace.

An hour later, at half past nine, the door opened and an angry Lord Grantham stormed inside, Mrs. Hughes in tow.

“What do I have to hear, Constable Hill, about you having one of my servants in your custody?” Lord Grantham said. “There clearly must have been some mistake!”

The Constable got up from his chair, standing to attention before his Lordship. “Lord Grantham,” he said, clearly fighting the urge to salute.

Mrs. Hughes didn’t pay the men any attention. She moved past them towards me. “My dear girl, what have you done now?” she said, shaking her head at my state.

I wanted to cry out. This wasn’t just. I had only defended myself… No one could have foreseen… I stepped towards Mrs. Hughes, holding on to the bars left and right of my face. “It was an accident,” I whimpered. I had felt numb before, but upon seeing Mrs. Hughes, always the kind soul, something inside of me broke and tears started falling anew.

“Now don’t cry,” Mrs. Hughes muttered, pulling a handkerchief from her sleeve and handing it to me through the bars. “Surely, everything will sort itself out.”

My lips quivered at her kind words. I hoped by God she was right.

Lord Grantham and the Constable were talking among them, looking at me every so often. “So Carson really was right,” his Lordship finally said, taking a step towards me. “I thought he must surely have mixed things up when he told me about your… adventures this morning.”

“I’m very sorry, my Lord,” I sniffled, dabbing at my eyes. “I have brought nothing but trouble to the house and I…” I swallowed, “I should like to give my notice. All I ask is for a good reference, so I might…”

“You will do no such thing,” Lord Grantham interrupted me. “You have been in our employ for quite some time now and we like to pride ourselves by repaying such loyalty, if we can.”

“But I…”

“Enough about that for now, Kate,” Mrs. Hughes said. “The important thing is to get you out of here. We will discuss everything else at a later time.”

The door opened once more and Dr Clarkson stepped inside.

The Constable looked around. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen my Station quite this crowded,” he snorted.

“Thomas and I will leave you to do your work,” Lord Grantham said. “Mrs. Hughes will stay for the examinations and bring our Kate back home afterwards.”

 _O_ _ur Kate,_ he had said. He considered me part of the house... important enough to take time out of his busy schedule to come down to the village…

Thomas dutifully stepped towards Lord Grantham. I made to hand him his coat through the bars, but he waved me off. “You will need it for your walk home.”

I hoped he was right.

With Thomas and his Lordship gone, Dr Clarkson could attend to his duty.

Constable Hill let the Doctor and Mrs. Hughes into the cell with me and left the room to provide us with some privacy.

The good Doctor didn’t lose any time and started his examinations immediately, methodically starting at my hands and fingers.

At the sight of my wrist, he raised a questioning eyebrow. “Do you stand by your story of having hurt yourself working in the house?” he asked while he started to work on getting the small shards of glass that still stuck in my skin. I hadn’t even felt them.

I shook my head, looking to the ground. “Peter… he… he pushed me… Sorry for… not telling the truth before.”

Dr Clarkson nodded. “Don’t worry about the past now.” He disinfected my palms and wrapped a thin bandage around both, leaving my wrist unbound for the time being. “I will have to ask you to undress now,” he said, scribbling something down in his notebook.

I got up and unbuttoned my dress with shaking hands. The buttons were crusty with dried blood and sticky with half dried oil. Those stains would never come out.

Mrs. Hughes helped me shrug out of the dress. I felt incredibly stiff and wasn’t sure if I could have managed without her. My underdress and corset were badly stained as well. That wasn’t what made Mrs. Hughes clap her hands to her face though. My arms were heavily bruised, as was my upper chest.

“You should have broken off your engagement much sooner,” Mrs. Hughes whispered, looking close to tears. She helped me with my Corset and Dr Clarkson started his examination, making notes every now and again. He made me lift my head so he could inspect my neck, palpating my abused skin with tender fingers. Pushing down my tongue with a piece of wood, he examined my throat as well, before taking a step away from me.

“Did he hurt you anywhere that isn’t visible?” he asked, his gaze moving towards my nether regions.

I looked at Mrs. Hughes helplessly. She knew he had. But…

“Not yesterday,” I whispered.

“And thank the Lord for that,” Mrs. Hughes muttered. “I should like to give that man an earful myself if he wasn’t…” She broke off.

Dr Clarkson nodded, barely hiding the pity in his eyes. He made a final note in his book, concluding his examination. He seemed to agree with Mrs. Hughes, despite being… having been friends with Peter. “You may get dressed,” he said.

I looked at my discarded dress on the ground. I didn’t want to put it back on again.

“Put this on for now,” Mrs. Hughes said, taking Thomas’ coat from where it had rested on the cot. “We will have something clean brought down from the house, just in case you will have to stay here for much longer.” That last was said with a look at Dr Clarkson.

“I don’t like to make any promises before I have inspected the body,” he said neutrally. “But it is clear Miss Green has been mistreated, and badly so, I might add.”

They left me, wrapped in Thomas’ coat, sitting in the cell. Dr Clarkson and Constable Hill went to inspect the crime scene and they couldn’t allow Mrs. Hughes to stay with me in the Police Station, so I remained by myself. Scared, Cold, Hungry.

I wanted nothing but to go back to the house. Take a bath and hide in my room… I wanted fresh clothes and a warm fire… and Thomas.

How was it that whenever we managed to take a step forward in our relationship, something else came up that kept us apart?

It was as if we were the star crossed lovers in a badly written romance novel.

What if the Police concluded I hadn’t acted in self-defence?

What if they decided to try me for murder?

I started shaking under my coat and pulled it around me tighter, inhaling Thomas’ scent, closing my eyes. Damn Peter for everything he had done to me. How dare he ruin my life like that? If he hadn’t attacked me… I swallowed. My throat still felt sore.

He would have killed me. If I hadn’t hit him over the head with that bottle, our roles would be reversed now. He would be the one sitting here and I…

The key was turned in the lock and I looked up as Dr Clarkson and Constable Hill came inside.

The Constable came towards me and unlocked the door to my cell. “You may leave… for now. But we might yet come for you if the post-mortem results in anything but,” he said.

I slowly got up and tightened Thomas’ coat around me, suddenly wishing I still had my dress, soiled as it was. Mrs. Hughes had taken it back to the house with her though, to give to the laundress. Maybe she would be able to fix it, maybe not.

“Do you need an escort?” the Constable asked, taking in my state of… undress.

I shook my head. I needed to walk by myself. I needed to clear my head, to… “So am I innocent?” I asked.

“Until proven otherwise,” the Constable said.

I looked at Dr Clarkson but he remained silent.

He had met Peter for tea every now and then. They had been friendly with each other.

“I… I am sorry for…” I broke off, unsure how to finish my sentence.

Dr Clarkson shook his head. “He… might have seemed like a good person on the outside, but after seeing,” he cleared his throat, “after seeing what he did to you, many things make a lot more sense. He did tell you he was married once before, I assume?”

I nodded.

“His wife, she was with child… but she… miscarried, even though there had been no medical indication. She claimed she had fallen… I wonder now…” he paused, taking a deep breath. “He divorced her a month later and she left the village.”

I swallowed. I hadn’t known about that. The poor woman…

“Your physical injuries will fade,” the Doctor continued. “I will pray for you so the emotional ones will as well.”

I nodded. “Thank you, Dr Clarkson.

Constable Hill cleared his throat. “Don’t leave the village,” he said, indicating the door. I was dismissed.

“Come see me at the hospital if any trouble should arise,” Dr Clarkson advised, holding open the door for me.

I nodded and stepped outside.

I was free… for now…

The cold air bit into my skin as it blew around me, crawling under the much too big coat and the thick cloud cover promised rain. I picked up my steps so I would be home before it started. Home. Back in Downton Abbey.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate comes back to Downton as a free woman... she uses her freedom. Not quite wisely...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was wondering for the whole week about how I might continue with this story... I had thought I'd make this the last chapter, but my friend convinced me otherwise... we all need a little more drama in our lives, she said!   
> So... some more drama, coming right along!   
> enjoy! <3

Nobody was outside when I passed through the back yard to the servant’s entrance.

Good.

I wasn’t sure I could stand the gossip. I was exhausted and wanted to go straight to my room and sleep for a week.

My luck was short lived though.

Mrs. Patmore and Daisy were working in the kitchen. Daisy came running into the corridor, probably on her way to get something or other for Mrs. Patmore, and froze in her tracks when she saw me.

“Kate,” she muttered. “You…”

“What are you waiting for?” Mrs. Patmore came after the girl and stopped in her tracks as well. She was better at hiding her feelings as she looked me up and down as well. “Now look at you! Back and whole again! I wasn’t sure that was going to happen after what Mrs. Hughes told us… So you’re innocent?”

I slowly nodded. “Yes.”

“Well then, get cleaned up and I’ll have a tray waiting for you once I get Daisy out of her state!” She gave the young girl a push and Daisy scurried off, back into the kitchen.

“Thank you Mrs. Patmore,” I whispered.

“Don’t mention it… now off you go!” she ushered me towards the stairs and moved back into the kitchen.

Only when I was on the stairwell, it slowly dawned on me: I was back home again. And free. For the moment… I took a couple of steps and stopped.

Thomas had just stepped onto the servants’ stairs on the ground floor, looking earnest and thoughtful. He hadn’t noticed me yet and stopped behind the door, taking a couple deep breaths. “She’ll be alright,” he muttered to himself, squaring his shoulders. “Stop worrying you fool.” He took a step and his gaze fell on me, where I stood almost all the way downstairs.

The way his face lit up made me want to cry out with joy. To see him react to me like that…

He put the tray he’d been carrying on the sideboard and closed the distance between us with a few long steps, embracing me so tight I thought he would squash me.

I didn’t mind in the slightest! Quite the opposite, actually! I felt like we still weren’t quite close enough.

Nuzzling my face against his neck, I greedily inhaled him. I needed all my senses to convince myself we were really both here… and free! To do whatever we pleased! We could get married!

Thomas’ hands wandered under my… his coat and he held me even closer. I didn’t give a fig how improper our embrace was, with me not properly dressed and him being so close. He kissed me so hard our teeth clacked against one another. “I thought I’d never get to do this again,” he breathed against my mouth.

I didn’t reply. Words couldn’t express my feelings in this moment. So much had happened in the past 24 hours. And now we were here, together… I wanted to be with him. Now. Alone, undisturbed,…

Gathering all my courage, I stepped away from him and took his hand, interlocking my fingers with his. He looked down at our hands and willingly followed me as I pulled him up the stairs behind me.

He hesitated for only a second as I pulled him towards the women’s side of the servant’s quarters.

Everyone was out and about in the house at this hour. We were all alone. We could…

I swallowed.

I hadn’t thought this trough.

I must smell awful. I hadn’t had a proper wash after… I should have gotten cleaned up before…

I changed direction in the last second and pulled him into the woman’s bathroom, closing and locking the door behind us. My fingers shook with anticipation as I shrugged out of his coat and hung it on the hook on the door.

Thomas let out a breath that was half moan as he looked at me, almost bare, in broad daylight. He didn’t seem to care about my soiled underdress. Neither should I.

Neither did I. Not from the moment he put his arms around me and kissed me again, hands wandering over my back, up and down and up again as if he wanted to touch all of me at once.

I wanted to touch all of him as well, but he wore much too much clothing. With shaking hands I managed to push his jacket off his shoulders and he got the hint. Unbuttoning his shirtwaist in record time, he pulled his undershirt over his head and hung everything on the other hook on the door.

A small whimper found its way from my throat. He was so beautiful! So different from Peter. His upper body was broad, with some hair at the small of his back and more hair on his stomach and chest. My cold fingers wandered over his hot flesh, making him hiss with the sensation. He took my hands between his and rubbed them, breathing on them, to warm me up. I watched him, smiling.

He mirrored my expression when he looked up and our gazes met. He put my now warmed up hands back against his chest and cupped my face with his. His skin was warm and soft, his touch gentle, as was his kiss.

My hands wandered up and around his neck, holding him close. We stood like that, foreheads touching, enjoying being close to each other for a while. It was pleasantly warm in the bathroom. A welcome change after… I stopped myself. I couldn’t let my mind go back to that… I needed to be here, in this moment. Now. With Thomas.

Taking a step backwards, I reached down to my hips and pulled my underdress over my head. It being gone left me in my drawers.

A low growl found its way from Thomas’ throat. He pulled me against him, kissing my face, my neck… I put my head back and closed my eyes. And froze as I felt my skin sticky with…

“Stop…” I whispered.

Thomas let go and looked down at me, eyes full of desire. He respected my wishes though. And I knew if I asked him to leave, he would leave. I didn’t want him to leave though. I just… “I need to… clean before…”

He nodded and bit his bottom lip. Stepping around me, towards the bathtub, he turned on the tap, waiting for the water to get hot.

My teeth chattered with want, but I couldn’t go any further with him while I still had the past day sticking to me…

“Do you want me to leave?” he asked, his voice so low it was barely audible.

I shook my head. Anything but that!! “You could… help me?” Was this something a proper lady would do? Probably not, but I was no lady. I was so far from a lady, it was almost ridiculous.

An impish grin played over his face and his hands went to unbuckle his pants, eyes locked firmly on me.

He would… I would… get to see him… in broad daylight…

Peter had never bothered with either of us getting fully undressed… Thomas’ would be the first I’d really get to see…

I took a step towards him, watching his hands eagerly. He pulled down his pants and stepped out of them. We were both almost naked.

I wanted him so badly…

He stepped around me and put the plug in the tub.

I put my hands on his back as he was bent over, needing to feel him. He pulled himself up to his full height again and I kissed his shoulders, his neck, down his spine. His skin was soft against my lips and he smelled of safety and comfort.

My hands wandered around his waist, to his front. The soft hair on his stomach was so inviting… Could I dare to…

I let my fingers slide into the waistband of his underpants.

He put his hand on top of mine. “If you go there now, there won’t be any cleaning up, before…” he whispered and I heard the smile in his voice.

I moved my hands upwards again and to his chest, my face close to his back and inhaling his scent.

“Get in,” he softly said, motioning to the tub.

I let go of him and he turned towards me, watching me.

Swallowing, I pushed my drawers down over my hips and dropped them to the floor.

His gaze firmly remained on my face, like the gentleman he was.

I stepped into the half-filled tub and sat down, moving to pull the pins out of my hair.

Thomas kneeled down next to the tub and helped me, gently moving to undo my braid once it fell free. Mrs. Hughes had helped me get rid of the worst of the… dirt back in the prison just this morning, but there had only been so much she had been able to do without water.

If Thomas cared about the nastiness of my hair, he didn’t show it. With gentle hands he untangled the strands one by one. I could have done it myself, of course, but his doing it was much nicer, especially since he let his hands wander over my neck and back ever so often, kissing me gently.

I started when he suddenly made me move forward and stepped into the tub behind me.

His legs went left and right of me and I realized he was… naked. As was I.

My hands moved to his knees and upward, fingertips caressing and something hard pushed against me from behind as if in reply.

Thomas pulled me closer with his legs and his hands wandered around me over my stomach, to my thighs, stroking over my skin.

I whimpered. How could such a small touch make me feel so good, feel so much?

Would it feel as good once we were… I swallowed. I needed to know! Now!

It took some manoeuvring – the tub clearly wasn’t made for two people – but I managed to turn around so I faced him, crawling onto his lap, my knees left and right of his hips.

The soapy water distorted everything under the surface, but that hardly mattered. I felt his hardness against me. Skin to skin. It brought another whimper from me.

He brought his knees up behind me, moving me upwards on his body and I softly moaned. In a second he would… Would it hurt? I hoped it wouldn’t! I hoped…

He put his hands to my hips and let a finger travel downwards from there, under the water and between my legs.

I cried out when he found my opening, softly tracing the edge and then… I toppled forward with the sheer amount of pleasure. He had done this once before, so long ago… I had forgotten things could feel this good…

Nothing could have prepared me for the joys it brought, to do IT with Thomas. He was a careful and thorough lover. He paid attention to what I liked and acted accordingly. He was gentle but firm and he couldn’t take his eyes off me once during the whole of it, worshipping my body, worshipping me. It made me feel beautiful, desirable, worthy.

We rested against each other once we were done.

“I never imagined, this could be so…” I shook my head, unable to find the word I was searching for.

Thomas laughed weakly, his chest vibrating under me.

I shivered. The water had gone cold and the air in the bathroom felt icy against my wet skin, despite my resting against his hot body.

The floor all around the tub was wet as I got out, carefully walking to the shelf where stacks of dry towels waited for use. I took two and handed one to Thomas, shamelessly watching him wrap it around his hips. What a beautiful creature he was…

My knees still felt wobbly when I walked into my bedroom, but we had spent enough time in the bath. Thomas had to get back to work and Mrs. Patmore was waiting for me downstairs.

Even thinking about everything and everyone downstairs felt surreal now. All of it had seemed so far away as long as we had been together… but alas, we couldn’t stay upstairs forever.

Thomas, after putting his livery back on, looked like nothing at all had happened, impeccable, not a hair out of place, no trace of our lovemaking to be noticed.

It was a shame. The face he had made when he’d… finished, the way he had moved afterwards, all weak and soft, had been the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I wanted to see it again as soon as possible. To think I was the cause of it… It made me giddy with excitement.

“That took you quite some time,” Mrs. Patmore said when I came back down again.

“Sorry, I…” I started, but stopped when I noticed every single person in the kitchen was staring at me. Did they know about Thomas and I… No… they…

I blinked and kept my gaze firmly on Mrs. Patmore. She was the only one with a somewhat kind expression on her face. All the others looked… scared, disgusted, judging.

“Daisy! Get moving! Kate must be hungry!” Mrs. Patmore barked.

“I won’t serve a murderess!” Daisy protested, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

Mrs. Patmore muttered something under her breath, as she took the tray that had been prepared for me herself and carried it to the Servants’ Hall.

“Thank you,” I muttered.

Mrs. Patmore nodded at me and left.

The food, freshly made toast and some butter, along with some lukewarm coffee was good, most likely, but it didn’t taste right to me. Even sitting with my back towards the kitchen, I could practically feel the distrustful gazes of the others on my back. I kept on eating despite it, chewing slowly, simply because I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten anything.

Anna came downstairs, looking busy, but stopped when she saw me. She didn’t seem to know what to say and I couldn’t blame her exactly. I didn’t know what to say either.

“I’m so glad you’re back with us, and safe!” she finally settled on, sitting down next to me. Lowering her voice, she put a gentle hand on my arm. “Mrs. Hughes told me what that terrible man did to you…”

I swallowed, staring into my coffee. Who else had Mrs. Hughes told? I hadn’t thought her to be such a gossip.

Anna looked towards the kitchen, where the kitchen maids were doubtlessly still staring at us. “Try not to worry about them… we all know you acted in self-defence! They just have to get used to the idea…”

I nodded. I hoped Anna was right.

Mrs. Patmore brought in a pot of tea and placed it in front of me, taking the lukewarm coffee away.

I shouldn’t have gone downstairs. I should have gotten straight back to work, while I had still been floating that high from Thomas’ and my… encounter.

Suddenly I was angry. They had taken that high away from me! How dare they?

I pushed to my feet so fast, my chair almost toppled over. “Will you stop staring?” I cried out. My voice sounded teary.

Everyone scuttled out of sight but excited chatter replaced their staring, filling the room like a swarm of bees. Only a bark from Mrs. Patmore seemed to be able to stop them.

I sat back down again, angrily taking a bite of toast that tasted like ash in my mouth.

Anna acted like nothing at all had happened and took her sewing kit from the sideboard, sitting back down with me. I adored her for it. She was such a kind soul… too good for this world.

I went back upstairs after my meal. I knew I should probably go back to work, but I was too tired, both emotionally and physically.

Mrs. Hughes wouldn’t mind if I took some time to recuperate.

Lord Grantham neither. And all the others didn’t matter…

Being alone in my room gave me a lot of time to think though. Too much, possibly.

It wasn’t long, until my eyes filled with tears. I felt… overwhelmed. So many things had happened over the past 24 hours. I got undressed and crawled into bed, shivering. Again, it wasn’t the temperature in the room but in my heart that made me feel cold. I didn’t know if I could ever warm up again.

Chasing the thoughts away and replacing them with what had happened in the bathroom with Thomas worked for a while, but made things even worse when I realized I had committed two deep sins in one day. I would go to hell, where murderers and fornicators belonged.

The door opened.

It was probably Anna or Mrs. Hughes looking in on me.

I turned toward the wall without looking up. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Maybe they’d think me asleep. It must be late after all.

Steps moved towards my bed and I sensed someone bend over me. The bed dipped as someone sat and a hand was placed on my shoulder. A familiar hand. Not a female hand.

Thomas.

I didn’t move. I didn’t want him to know I had been crying.

The blanket was lifted just a little as he crawled under it and made himself comfortable.

“Come here,” he whispered.

I half turned and saw he was resting on his back. Sniffling, I snuggled against him, placing my head on his chest.

His arms around me felt like a shield from… everything. His heartbeat, slow and even, calmed me down.

“Let it all out,” he whispered against the top of my head. “A lot’s been happening.”

I sniffled some more. How did he understand me so well without my even saying anything?

He pulled me against him tighter.

We didn’t talk any further. We didn’t need words. We just… acted, our bodies drawn towards each other, clothes carelessly discarded on the floor.

I hadn’t thought I could bear a man on top of me ever again, but… I trusted Thomas with my life. He would never do anything to hurt me… He…

The door opened.

We both froze.

Why now? Why this?

Thomas rolled off of me and pulled the blanket up to cover us.

Daisy was standing in the doorway, holding a tray, eyes open wide, china clattering as her hands shook. She placed the tray on my desk, turned around and ran off without a word, leaving the door open in her wake.

I practically jumped from the bed and reached for my morning gown before I followed her outside.

With a few quick steps I caught up to her.

“Daisy,” I said, putting my hand to her shoulder.

She stopped but didn’t turn around.

I didn’t know what to say, but… “We’ll both be sacked if you tell anyone,” I whispered.

She didn’t move.

“Please… you can’t tell anyone!”

“But… It’s wrong!” Her voice was as shaky as the rest of her.

“Is it really? We love each other!”

“But… you’re not married!”

“No, we’re not,” I agreed. “But we’ve gone through so much, the both of us…”

She slowly turned around, looking at me from teary eyes.

“Do you want to get us both sacked?” I whispered. She was a little shorter than I was and I felt the urge to bend down towards her, like one would towards a child. “Me, possibly, but Thomas?”

Daisy looked towards the door to my room, where Thomas stood, wearing his pants and undershirt, braces hanging down over his hips.

She shook her head.

“Let this be our secret then,” Thomas said, taking a step towards us. “Alright?” His voice was incredibly soft.

She looked up at him and slowly nodded, lips pressed together in a tight line. Turning to me again, she opened her mouth as if to say something, but seemed to change her mind at the last minute and ran off without another word.

I ushered Thomas back into my room.

He didn’t need to be told twice. Someone else could come upstairs at any moment. He had to leave.

I sighed.

He had to leave.

I didn’t want him to leave.

I wanted to crawl back under the blanket with him and fall asleep against him… for the rest of my life.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once again, a lot of things are happening. Good ones and bad ones and awful ones.   
> Will our two heroes ever be happy?

I had trouble sleeping the next night. And the night after that.

I didn’t have any nightmares. To have nightmares, I would have had to actually fall asleep. I never seemed to get that far.

My mind kept wandering. To the Police Station, to Daisy, to Thomas, to Peter even… what would happen to him? Where would he be buried? Who would look after his grave? He didn’t have any close family. His parents had both died long ago. His brother hadn’t come back from the war. He had never mentioned any aunts or uncles. What would happen to the Pharmacy?

And Daisy… would she keep our secret? If she still was in love with Thomas… My mouth went dry at the thought of what she could do to us… Why hadn’t we thought to lock the door?

After hours and hours of tossing and turning, I finally gave up. It was too late to still go to sleep. The horizon was already starting to turn grey in the east, with the sun slowly coming up.

I got dressed and went downstairs, tired and cold. I needed coffee. Lots of it. And then I would simply start cleaning or mending something or... I couldn’t remember what I had been doing just yesterday… Where had we left off? Were there any clothes to fix? Stockings to knit?

I slowed down when I reached the last set of stairs. Someone was already up and moving around… must be Daisy.

Something heavy toppled over and Daisy screamed.

“Will you shut up!” A male voice grunted.

The sleepiness I had felt a moment ago was gone just like that. There was a stranger in the house.

At this hour!

I took the last few stairs and grabbed a fire-poker from Daisy’s kit. She must have been about to go lay the fires throughout the house when the stranger had surprised her.

The noises came from Mr. Carson’s pantry.

I didn’t know what I would do once I was there, I only knew Daisy was in trouble.

Not wanting to waste any more time, I pushed open the door and stepped inside, waving my fire-poker before me like a sword.

Daisy was on the ground, half covered by the bookshelf to her right that had fallen over. The stranger was bent over her. He wore a ragged looking coat and hat and the smell that came off him wasn’t too pleasant.

I gripped my weapon so hard, my knuckles turned white. I didn’t want to hit him with it, he was just a vagrant, probably looking for food or money, but I would, if I had to.

“How many of ye are up at this hour?” the stranger said, looking at me.

“More than there are of you,” I muttered, stepping towards him in what I hoped was a menacing matter.

We should call for the police... But the phone was on Mr. Carson’s desk, the intruder between it and me. The other phone was all the way upstairs in the entry hall… I couldn’t leave Daisy alone…

“Eh… this ain’t worth the trouble…Get outta my way,” the stranger ordered, pulling a knife from his pocket.

I swallowed. Had he taken anything?

“Move, woman! I don’t want ta hurt you!”

We were on the same page about that. I didn’t want him to hurt me either. But could I simply let him go? Just like that?

He didn’t give me the time to make up my mind. Taking a quick step and flourishing his knife before him, he pushed me to the side with his other hand.

I stumbled against the wall, desperately grasping for something to hold on to and caught only the floor lamp in the corner that promptly gave out under my weight and fell over. It fell and broke with a clatter and left the room in the dark. Only the lights from the corridor let me see the dark shape run towards the exit.

Getting to my feet, careful not to put my hands on any glass, I took a few steps after him before I realized I had dropped my weapon. And he was gone anyways, having left the entry door open behind him.

The sound of the key turning in the lock wasn’t the most reassuring, since he had managed to get inside once before, but it was better than nothing. And the closed door kept the cold out at least.

I allowed myself half a minute to catch my breath before I hurried back to Daisy. She was still sitting on the floor, covered by books, looking around helplessly.

“Are you hurt?” I asked, pulling her to her feet. That seemed to bring life back into her.

“I was so scared… I thought he’d…. thank you Kate, thank you!” she bubbled, hugging me exuberantly.

I slowly put my arms around her as well. “It’s all good,” I muttered. “He’s gone.”

Daisy shook and shivered against me and I realized she was crying. “If you hadn’t come…”

“It’s alright… nothing happened,” I whispered.

“I’m forever in your debt,” she continued.

I shook my head. “Just keep my secret and we’re even.”

“Yes, forever!”

“Thank you,” I mouthed, holding her and petting her head. She was terribly frightened. As was I. But one of us had to keep a level head or we’d both start crying.

I pulled the chair from Mr. Carson’s desk and made Daisy sit down.

“I’ll get you some tea,” I muttered, trying to get her to let go of me.

Her fingers dug into the fabric of my dress, and I had to pry myself away from her one finger at a time. “I’ll be back in a minute,” I promised. “Just…” I took her shawl from the ground and put it around her shoulders. “Just you wait.”

By the time I came back with her tea and my coffee, she had calmed down somewhat.

I sat down opposite her and handed her the hot cup.

She held it close against her chest, staring into the liquid. She was paler than usual.

I watched her for a moment and put a careful hand on her arm, reassuring her I was there. Nothing would happen to her now… or so I hoped.

She didn’t move. I had to… Maybe I could distract her. “What was it you wanted to say when… the other day?”

That got her attention. She looked up at me for a second, then back into her cup.

“If you care to say it,” I continued.

Daisy took a deep breath.

And another.

“Does it… hurt?” she finally blurted out, barely opening her mouth.

“Does what hurt?” I wasn’t sure if I had understood her right.

“The… what you and Thomas… did.”

“Oh!” I blinked. “Oh! Well… umm… it,” I stared into my cup as well, “it doesn’t with Thomas…” I didn’t know what I had expected, but definitely not this.

Daisy looked up. “So you did it more than just the once?”

I nodded, clearing my throat.

“But… the bible says…”

I shook my head. “I know what the bible says, but…” I swallowed, “but Peter didn’t…” This was harder than I had expected. “He didn’t ask for my… permission.”

Daisy blinked at me. “So that’s why you killed him?”

It was too early to talk about this. I put my cup on the table and hugged myself.

“I would surely kill any man who…” she stopped. “What if you’re pregnant?”

I had worried about that myself. Thomas had been very careful to… take measures to prevent it. Peter hadn’t. “Then I will have to deal with it,” I whispered.

“But an unmarried woman! You’ll be sacked for sure!” Daisy loudly exclaimed, clapping a hand over her mouth a second later.

“Let’s talk about this at another time,” I said, making to get up. “You have fires to lay. I have… work to do.”

Daisy nodded. She took a sip from her tea and grimaced. “Now I understand why you never make your own…”

I didn’t reply. I knew she was right, still… she was at least ten years my junior. To be called out by her felt…

“What are you doing down here with none of the fires laid?” Mrs. Hughes suddenly exclaimed. I hadn’t heard her come down the stairs. How much of our conversation had she overheard?

“There was…” Daisy started.

“And what happened in here?” Mrs. Hughes looked between the two of us.

“There was an intruder,” I said.

“An intruder?” Mrs. Hughes muttered. “Oh my…”

“Kate chased him away. She saved me.” Daisy got to her feet and stepped close to me.

“And what are you doing downstairs at this hour?”

“I couldn’t sleep…”

“My, my, what an eventful morning you must have had… Was anything taken?”

I swallowed. I hadn’t yet thought to check… and I wouldn’t know what to look for in any case. This was Mr. Carson’s office. I had rarely ever been in here.

“He was nosing about in Mr. Carson’s desk when I walked in on him,” Daisy said.

“Well, get to work then. Mr. Carson will have to look through his desk to determine if anything is amiss,” Mrs. Hughes quickly surmised.

“Yes, Mrs. Hughes,” Daisy said.

Mrs. Hughes waited for Daisy to leave before she turned towards me. “Hardly back for a week and already back to being a hero… there never seems to be a dull moment in your life.”

“I could do with some dullness every once in a while,” I muttered.

Mrs. Hughes picked up a book or two and put them on her desk, before she turned towards me again. “Do you really think you might be with child?” she said without looking at me.

I swallowed. So she had heard that... How much longer had she been listening? “I don’t know… yet…”

Mrs. Hughes nodded to herself. “Well then… please inform me once you do know. For now you may go freshen up King Albert. No one is sleeping in that wing and we’re expecting a house party,” she said.

“Will I be sacked if…” I didn’t finish the question. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know the answer. “Yes, Mrs. Hughes,” I muttered and walked off.

Admittedly, I didn’t exactly hurry with the freshening up. It was afternoon by the time I was close to finished, putting flowers in vases and cookies in jars. I stood and looked over the room once more, making sure everything was perfect, when Thomas stepped inside, carrying a suitcase under every arm.

“What are you still doing here?” he asked, placing the suitcases in the corner. “They’re already downstairs.”

He unbuckled the cases and was about to open them when he pulled himself up to look at me. “Still not sleeping?” he said, taking a step closer.

I shook my head. We had decided to be more careful for a while and hadn’t spent a night together ever since I had come back from prison.

He put a gentle hand to my cheek and lifted up my chin so I could meet him for a quick kiss.

Footsteps coming down the hallway made us pull apart.

“There you are!” Mrs. Hughes said. “Is everything finished?”

“Yes, Mrs. Hughes,” I said, looking around the room once more.

“Well then… get downstairs. They’re on their way up.”

I nodded and hurried out of the room.

A house party was a big deal for every one of us servants, but it was especially big in the kitchen. Mrs. Patmore and her team were working practically around the clock.

I didn’t envy them. Neither did I envy the rest of us though. Servants’ dinner consisted mostly of stew and porridge or the like while we were having guests. Something that was easy and quick to make, in any case.

On top of that, we had to make space for all the Valets and Ladies Maids that had travelled with their employers.

Well… as long as we were fed…

“They went through now… we should be done with the day in another couple hours,” Mrs. Hughes said.

I sighed.

It had been a long day and it would be an even longer night, it seemed. I had an elderly Dowager, Lady Channing, to attend to while she was here. There was always hope she would want to go to bed early and therefore let me sleep early as well, simply because she was old. Being a Ladies Maid paid well, but it was also a lot of work and even more waiting.

I went with Anna to mend some clothes so we wouldn’t just sit idly while the upstairs folk had their merry evening.

Thomas and the other manservants had gone straight upstairs again, after having eaten a quick dinner, to serve drinks and coffee. I hadn’t had a chance to talk to him all day long.

“Kate, please go make sure the fires are still burning in all the guest rooms,” Mrs. Hughes ordered about an hour later.

Tending the fires usually wasn’t my job, but I happily got up anyways. Sewing and mending weren’t my strengths and my fingertips hurt from pricking myself over and over again. Every distraction was welcome.

I took a basket of wood and went upstairs, checking one room after another, stirring fires, putting on some more logs. All the rooms were empty, with everyone still downstairs, so I didn’t bother knocking. I did just the same once I reached King Albert.

Taking a step inside, I froze.

King Albert wasn’t empty.

A half undressed man, most probably Duke Von Staubsson sat on the bed… and someone else kneeled before him.

I would know that neck and back everywhere. I had kissed it countless times, after all. Thomas was bent over the Duke’s crotch, his head bobbing up and down and he was making… noises… His hands were up on the Duke’s naked chest, greedy fingers digging into pale skin. He was so absorbed, he hadn’t even noticed I had come inside.

Only when the Duke put a hand to his head, did he slow down and look up, lazily wiping his mouth.

I didn’t move. This was… what was I seeing? Why was I seeing this? What was Thomas doing?

The Duke got up from the bed and languidly put himself away, not an iota of shame on his face.

Thomas’ eyes widened when he turned around and saw me. He stiffly got to his feet but didn’t move towards me.

The Duke did. Grabbing me by the arm, he pulled me into the room and closed the door behind me.

Thomas’ and my eyes met for just a moment.

“Is this how things are done in Downton? Maids coming into rooms uninvited, disturbing house guests?” he said. His words didn’t sound menacing exactly, but…

“I’m very sorry, Your Grace,” I muttered, looking at the ground. “I wasn’t aware you would be… upstairs.”

“So you came to do what?” he put his fingers under my chin and made me look up at his face. He was handsome, I gave him that, but that didn’t change the fact he was a stranger and much too close for comfort. I could smell the wine on his breath.

“I… I came to tend to the fire…” I motioned to the basket of wood on my arm.

“I think you came to snoop on me… gossip is always worth something downstairs, no?” He stepped even closer. He wasn’t as tall as Thomas was, but he held himself as if he were.

I eagerly shook my head.

“There will be no gossip, do you understand?” His grip on my arm tightened.

“Yes, Your Grace,” I whispered, squirming to get away from him.

“How will I make sure of your cooperation though?” He put a hand to my cheek and let his thumb move over my bottom lip.

“I… I give you my word,” I whispered, standing rigidly, not daring to even blink.

He snorted. “The word of a maid is worth nothing…”

Thomas finally stepped closer at that, putting a gentle hand to the Duke’s shoulder. “Your Grace, Gustave, she won’t say a word. I can vouch for her.”

“Can you now?” The Duke turned towards Thomas, raising an eyebrow, cupping his face.

“Yes, Your Grace.”

“Well then,” the Duke stepped away from me and pulled Thomas into. Thomas didn’t look eager exactly but he definitely kissed the other man back.

I blinked away the tears that filled my eyes, staring at them.

“What are you waiting for, girl? Leave us alone!” The Duke Von Staubsson said, stepping away from Thomas once more and opening the door to push me outside.

I almost dropped my basket as I ran off. What had I just witnessed? Why was Thomas with this man? Why… was he kissing him? I’d thought he loved me.

I went back downstairs without tending to the rest of the fires. I felt… Empty somehow. Empty and confused.

“You’re looking pale, did anything happen?” Anna asked when I sat down next to her again.

I shook my head. “No, everything is quite alright,” I heard myself say. “Just tired.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas and Kate's fight escalates!   
> And Kate has some big news!

For the fifth night in a row, I barely found any sleep.

I went downstairs in the morning, feeling like the world around me wasn’t entirely… real.

The breakfast room was overcrowded with servants, familiar and strange. Their combined noise made my head pound. Even the mere thought of sitting with them made me want to rip out my hair.

It was impolite to not sit with them, of course, but I didn’t give a fig about politeness. I was too sleep deprived to care.

There was a small hidden area in the yard outside with a crate I could sit on and sip my coffee in peace and have a cigarette. I needed fresh air and quiet to properly wake up. The cool air would help soothe my nerves.

Only the spot was occupied already. Of course.

Thomas was sitting there, smoking, looking tired.

I let out a long exhale.

“Kate!” he got up.

I turned around to walk away, but he caught me by the wrist.

“Don’t,” I muttered, half-heartedly trying to get free.

“What you saw yesterday…” he said.

“There will be no gossip, remember?” I muttered, not looking at him. “You vouched for me after all…”

“Kate!” he said, louder this time, stepping into my line of vision.

Blinking away tears, I remained standing where I was, stiff, unmoving. I plucked his cigarette from his fingers and took a deep inhale.

It wasn’t half as soothing as I had hoped it would be.

“It meant nothing,” he said.

I let out a sound that was half laugh, half sob.

“Say something,” he urged.

I shook my head. I had nothing to say.

He let go of my hand with a sigh.

I took a step away from him… and stopped. I turned and looked him straight in the eyes.

I DID have something to say after all. “I had a future before you came back from the war.” I blurted out. “I would have gotten married in the spring, I would have had a husband and children and… a place to call my own… but you…” A dry sob broke from my chest and forced me to pause. “You had to come back and make me fall in love with you all over again… and I… I gave up EVERYTHING because of you!” My voice had gotten louder with every word, and I was screaming at him by the end. “And then you go around and…”

He placed a hand over my mouth, effectively stopping me from exposing him.

I clenched my teeth and pulled away, taking a deep breath. I wouldn’t spill his secret. That wasn’t who I was.

“You would have been unhappy every day for the rest of your life with that man and you know it! Don’t tell me you believe for a minute you could have found happiness with him,” Thomas hissed.

I took a deep breath. I knew he was right, but… “Well I’m not happy now either,” I whispered.

“Do you think I am?”

“You seemed quite happy last night!” And I was back to shouting.

Thomas snorted. He lit up another cigarette and looked at me, shaking his head. “You’re making more out of this than it even was.”

“You were… kissing him!” I hissed, not daring to give a name to the other thing I had seen him do.

“Well, he’s a good kisser.” Thomas’ voice had a defiant undertone to it. His face was carefully blank. He was shutting down. This made no sense any longer.

Shaking my head, I turned away. “Thank you for letting me know.” I hugged myself. I was feeling so terribly cold.

“Kate, Lady Channing is ringing for you,” someone called from around the corner.

“Coming!” I called back and made to walk off.

“Kate,” Thomas said, suddenly close to me again.

I shook off his hand and turned away.

+++

I managed to avoid Thomas for the rest of the day. Only when we all sat down at dinner did I have to bear being in the same room with him again. He didn’t look at all happy to see me.

Well.

Neither was I.

I sat down at the opposite end of the table from him and put on a stoic face. Two could play his game. I wouldn’t even have come to dinner, but I was starving. Dry toast and black coffee didn’t make for a full stomach.

Mrs. Patmore put a big pot of thick stew and rolls on the table and everyone took their fill.

“Could someone hand me another roll?” I asked.

Anna reached for the basket and held it towards me.

Thomas, despite my clearly not having addressed him, looked up from his plate. “You better do what she says or she’ll murder you too.”

Everyone froze.

Fifteen pairs of eyes were suddenly focused on me.

Had he really just said that?

How bloody dare he?

How could he say such a thing? In front of everyone!

Beth, sitting opposite Thomas, started snickering.

Tears filled my eyes.

“I will have no such insolence at my table,” Mr. Carson said.

“May I be excused?” I whispered through gritted teeth. I wouldn’t cry in front of everyone. I wouldn’t!

“You may,” Mrs. Hughes softly said.

I got up and walked off.

How could Thomas say such a thing to me? I wasn’t the one who had broken his heart… and his trust. I didn’t deserve this.

Tears blurred my vision and I had to stop at the bottom of the stairs or I would have fallen over my own feet. I took a moment to catch my breath.

Daisy, who had been eating in the kitchen with Mrs. Patmore came towards me. She handed me two rolls and a piece of cheese. “That was out of line,” she whispered. “If he knew why you did it, he wouldn’t act like this.”

A sob shook my whole body. That was just the problem. He knew EVERYTHING. And he knew exactly where to point his arrows.

“Thank you Daisy.” I took the rolls, and went upstairs.

I was mad, sad, disappointed. How dare Thomas act like that? How could he say such a thing when he knew exactly what had happened?

Why would he do something like that?

By the time I reached my room, all madness had flown away. My mind was surprisingly clear.

I had to leave Downton… just… leave all of this behind. Nothing kept me here, after all. Not after what Thomas had done…

But where should I go?

Back to my mother?

No. Not there. But I was sure Mrs. Hughes would write me a good reference if I left. I could find a job at another house. I was a trained Maid after all. I had even worked as a Lady’s Maid. I could make more money… but…

I sighed.

I didn’t WANT to leave Downton.

In spite of all that had happened, I liked it here.

I liked Anna, I liked Mrs. Hughes… I even liked Mrs. Patmore. And I felt like Daisy could become a friend too over time.

+++

A letter came for me with the first mail the next day, which wasn’t particularly odd, since my family must have heard of what had happened by now. I had been expecting a strongly worded letter from my mother; maybe telling me I was no longer part of her good Christian family; maybe telling me to come back home immediately… who knew with her?

This letter wasn’t from my family though. It was addressed in typewriter, which rarely meant anything good.

Had someone died?

I opened the envelope with my breakfast knife, earning me a disapproving glance from Mrs. Hughes opposite me, and pulled out a piece of paper.

I had to read it twice before I managed to make sense of it.

Peter had named me his heir.

His sole heir.

I was to inherit his house in the village, his pharmacy, his fortune, which was quite a tidy sum, and all his other earthly possessions.

“Is anything the matter?” Mrs. Hughes said, looking at me curiously.

I wordlessly handed her the letter.

“Oh my! Now this is… an interesting development,” she muttered once she’d finished reading.

I nodded. That was one way to put it. What was I supposed to do with this? It couldn’t really be true now, could it? Not after what had happened…

“Do you… do you think this is really true?” I asked.

Mrs. Hughes looked the letter over once more. “We best ask his Lordship. I’m sure he will know what to make of it.”

“No! I really don’t want to bother him when it’s probably all nothing,” I said. It couldn’t be true after all!

“Well better bother him now than get your hopes up just to have them all shattered later, no?”

I sighed. She was right. If I had really inherited the pharmacy, I could sell it… or rent it out. I could… I didn’t know what one did with a business of their own, with a house, with money. I’d never thought I’d ever have any.

Thomas and Mr. Carson came downstairs at that moment. His Lordship was done with his breakfast.

I took back the letter and folded it up, pointedly NOT looking at Thomas.

“Come along. We will ask his Lordship for a moment of his time right this minute,” Mrs. Hughes said and got up.

Some of the house guests had left last night. A few were still here. This probably wasn’t the best of times to disturb his Lordship, but if Mrs. Hughes thought it was alright…

I trusted her. She had been with the family for so long, she knew what was and wasn’t done in the house.

Lord Grantham was in the library, sitting at his desk, bent over a book filled with columns upon columns of numbers. He looked up when we entered.

“Mrs. Hughes, Kate, does Mr. Carson know you’re upstairs?” he said with half a smile. Mr. Carson would never have allowed us to come upstairs at this hour. Lord Grantham knew that as well as we did.

“My Lord, I must apologize, but I thought it best to consult you in this matter, immediately,” Mrs. Hughes said. “Kate has had some news.”

“Good ones, I hope?” He got up from his desk and took a step towards us.

“I hope they will turn out to be good, my Lord,” I said. I unfolded my letter and handed it to him.

He eyed me curiously before looking down at the paper.

“This is quite something,” he said after skimming the document.

“It is,” Mrs. Hughes said. “Which is why I took Kate straight upstairs.”

“You did well, Mrs. Hughes. I will ask Mr. Crawley to read it over. This is more his area of expertise than mine.”

“Read what over?” Mr. Crawley said from the door, moving towards us. He was a handsome man. Much less imposing than his Lordship, with very kind eyes. I had seen him from afar a couple of times, but never actually talked to him.

“Kate has had some interesting news,” Lord Grantham said, handing my letter to Mr. Crawley.

“Kate?” Mr. Crawley looked me over. “I have to admit I was curious to meet you. You’ve become quite notorious upstairs.”

I looked to the ground. What was I to say to this?

“I apologize, I didn’t intend to…”

“It’s quite alright, Mr. Crawley. I… would probably be curious as well,” I quickly saved him.

He smiled at me and moved to sit down with my letter. Lord Grantham joined him on the settee. Mrs. Hughes and I remained standing. It wouldn’t do to sit in the presence of his Lordship.

Mr. Crawley’s eyebrows went higher and higher on his forehead as he read over my letter. “I have to admit, this is quite unusual, all things considered. But it seems sound as far as I can tell. I will accompany you to the Notary tomorrow, if you’d like.”

“I couldn’t…” I started, but Mrs. Hughes interrupted me: “Kate would appreciate that very much.”

“We will go in the morning then. Right after breakfast. I have to go down to York anyways,” Mr. Crawley decided.

Mrs. Hughes nodded at me, silently allowing me to go.

“I appreciate that very much. Thank you, Mr. Crawley.”

Mrs. Hughes and I went downstairs again, leaving the upstairs folk to themselves.

It seemed like I really was about to inherit the fortune of the man that had died by my hands. I was… wonderfully happy and inconceivably uncomfortable at the same time.

Thomas was having his breakfast when I stepped into the Servants’ hall. He didn’t look up from his newspaper when I entered.

That stung.

Under normal circumstances, he would be the first I would tell such news. But now… I missed him. He had hurt me and I was mad at him, but I still missed him.

I passed by him a little closer than was proper, and went to get my button box, hoping against hope he would look at me for just one second. Just so I’d know he still felt… SOMETHING for me.

But no such luck.

His gaze remained firmly on the paper.

“Are you quite done with your breakfast, your lordship?” Mrs. Patmore mockingly said to Thomas, coming in from the kitchen. “Daisy’s supposed to clean the Servant’s hall today and she can’t start as long as you’re sitting here.”

Thomas looked up at her and opened his mouth to say something, but I was quicker.

“Be gentle with him, Mrs. Patmore, or I’ll have to sit with him again all night, protecting him from his nightmares,” I heard myself say. I wanted to slap my hands over my mouth. Why had I said this?

“I don’t know what it is you two are fighting about, but I can’t say I like it,” Mrs. Patmore said, eyeing me disapprovingly.

I wanted to say that Thomas had started it, but I gritted my teeth. I didn’t trust my mouth to say the right thing.

“Well, you know how women can be, Mrs. Patmore,” Thomas said, taking a slow sip from his coffee and folding the paper closed. “There’s nothing they won’t say if they feel they’ve been wronged.”

With that, he stood up and left the room, not sparing me another glance.

The rest of the day couldn’t pass quickly enough. The houseguests were leaving one by one, including Lady Channing. I spent the morning packing her things and the afternoon cleaning Queen Anne, where she had stayed.

I didn’t know whether or not Duke Von Staubsson had left already, but I would rather chop off my hands than clean King Albert. I didn’t even want to think about the things Thomas and the Duke might have done in there…

I blinked at myself in the mirror as I was polishing it.

I wouldn’t cry.

No.

I had shed enough tears for a lifetime in the past weeks.

But… why had he done it? I had thought he was happy with what was developing between us! I had most definitely been happy with him… but…

I pulled myself up and took a deep breath. It was his loss.

… but was it really?

The Duke of Staubsson was a handsome man, quite dashing actually. He had a title and money…

… but he was a man. Thomas would never be able to be with him...

… but would he ever be able to be with me? Did he even WANT to be with me? I was soiled goods…

… but Thomas cared about me, and I cared about him too… Thomas knew that. And I had money now too. But Thomas didn’t know that. I should have told him…

… but it was none of his business! He had made it blatantly obvious we weren’t as close as I had come to believe…

My inner turmoil kept me occupied all afternoon and all through dinner.

“You’ve hardly touched your food,” Anna said, sitting next to me.

“I’m not hungry,” I muttered, pushing away my plate.

Anna’s expression was kind as she looked at me. “Eat, or we will have to take in all of your dresses.”

Thomas snorted.

Everyone looked at him.

“As if that would make a difference,” he snarled.

I gritted my teeth and kept staring straight ahead. He had not just said that.

“Each time I think you have shown the full extent of your depravity you manage to prove me wrong,” Mr. Bates calmly said.

“Well, I like to keep you on your toes, Mr. Bates,” Thomas shot back.

“Enough of this pettifoggery,” Mr. Carson said. “I will not allow this kind of behaviour at my table.”

Everyone focused back on their plates.

I unenthusiastically ate a few bites, simply because I knew Anna was right. The moment we were done eating, I got up.

“Kate, Thomas, if you would come with me.” Mrs. Hughes said, effectively stopping me from running off.

We followed her into her Sitting Room and stood before her desk. I felt like a little girl who had misbehaved and was waiting for the headmaster to come up with a punishment.

In fact, Thomas and I had stood before the headmaster once, after we had been caught in some mischief or other, so many years ago, just as we did now.

“I don’t know what it is between the two of you and I don’t care to know it,” Mrs. Hughes said. “But I expect you to talk things out like the two grown adults I hired. You may have the use of my Sitting Room for the duration of your debate.” With that she turned around and left the room, closing the door behind her. I half expected her to turn the key, locking us in, but she didn’t.

I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at the ceiling. It was a very nice ceiling. White, chalked not too long ago. No discernible cracks.

Thomas sat down on the plush settee and pulled out his cigarettes.

He wouldn’t dare smoke in Mrs. Hughes’ room! He couldn’t!

He put a cigarette between his lips and lit it up, inhaling deeply.

“Mrs. Hughes will have your head for smoking in her room,” I said, still not looking at him.

“See if I care,” Thomas muttered, leaning back on the settee and putting his arms on the backrest left and right.

I watched him, shaking my head.

“You want one?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

I shook my head. “I enjoy having all my limbs.”

Thomas snorted.

I took a couple steps in one direction and back to where I had started, unsure what to do with myself.

I didn’t want to sit with him, but my feet hurt and I was tired.

“Sit with me,” he said.

Oh well. Now I could never sit down.

I crossed my arms tighter and shook my head.

Thomas crossed his legs and put them up on the table. He seemed completely at ease, smiling, smoking, relaxing. He took the book from the coffee table and leafed through it carelessly, laughing every now and again.

“What’s so funny?” I asked, after the third snort.

“Things,” he shrugged.

I moved towards him and plucked the book from his hands, snapping it closed and putting it on Mrs. Hughes’ desk, out of his reach.

Thomas raised an eyebrow at me, but said nothing.

“Why are you acting like that?” I asked.

“Like what?” he said, leaning his head back.

“Like… nothing bothers you!”

“Well, it wouldn’t change a thing if it bothered me, would it?”

I growled at him in frustration.

Silence descended upon us again, so heavy, the sound of Thomas’ cigarette burning each time he inhaled seemed almost deafening.

When he was done, he went to the window, opened it and tossed the butt outside. He said nothing as he passed me a second time and sat down on the armrest of the settee, watching me.

“What are you looking at?” I grumbled.

He shrugged, pulling down the corners of his mouth. “Nothing.”

“Good. Because there’s nothing to see.”

“Your bruises have faded.”

That had come out of nowhere. “Yes, so?”

He shrugged again. “Just observing.”

“Well stop observing or people might think you actually do care.”

I turned away from him, crossing my arms again.

He moved. Getting up from the settee and towards me, stopping close behind my back. “I don’t care what people think.” He was so close, I felt his breath on the back of my neck.

I could have moved away, but I didn’t. “I know for a fact that you do.”

He moved even closer. “And how do you think you’d know that?”

I turned around so I faced him. Our faces almost touched. “Because I know you, Thomas Barrow.”

He snorted. “You know nothing!” He took one more step towards me. His chest touched my crossed arms.

He reached for my elbows and pulled my arms apart, pushing me backwards.

I could do nothing but follow. I didn’t want to do anything but follow.

My back touched the door and I could move no further.

Thomas pressed against me, pinning my arms left and right of me.

He was so close, his warmth, his scent, the faint smell of smoke that perpetually hung about him engulfed me. My teeth wanted to chatter, but I pressed them together, forcing myself to be still.

“Yes, you’re right,” I whispered. “I know nothing. Least of all why you had to do what you did.”

Thomas took a deep inhale and stepped back from me.

“Why you would do a thing you know perfectly well would hurt me. Why you would do a thing that was so depraved and disgusting…”

That seemed to do something to him. The muscles in his jaw were working and his face hardened.

“What would you know about depraved and disgusting!” he spat. “You think you’re so innocent, so pure, so… when we both know what you did! What you let that man do to you… what you let ME do to you! And who knows how many more you really let under your skirts during the war…”

Alright! That was quite enough! I slapped him in the face before I could stop myself and would have slapped him again, if he hadn’t caught my arm.

He gripped my wrist tight and stared down at me, anger steaming from him.

He would hit me back now. I just knew it. I shouldn’t have…

He pushed me backwards until my back hit the door so hard, my head bumped against the wood. Before I could catch myself, he dove forward and kissed me. Deep and hard and eager.

I was too perplexed at first to kiss him back, but then my body took over.

A whimper found its way from my throat. I had missed him. I had missed this… but… I pulled back. “I didn’t… with anyone but Peter and you,” I whispered, looking him in the eyes.

“I know… I’m sorry for saying it.” His voice was low.

“I’m sorry I called you depraved… I… you… and I’m sorry for slapping you.”

“No… I deserved it,” he whispered.

I cupped his cheek, letting my thumb trail over the spot I’d just hit. He took my hand and kissed my palm, eyes closed.

His fingers were gentle on the back of my hand as he kissed each of my fingertips.

The doorknob turned and the door pushed against me from behind.

We stepped aside.

“It has gotten so quiet I was afraid you’d have killed each other,” Mrs. Hughes said and froze, looking at me.

“It’s alright,” I waved her off. I was slowly getting used to people acting… like she did.

“Did you smoke in here?” she said, sniffing the air.

“I needed it to calm my nerves, I’m sorry Mrs. Hughes,” Thomas admitted. He had put on his pleasant servant mask the moment she had stepped inside. It was amazing how he could change his whole persona in a second.

“Well, desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess. Did you make up then?”

I swallowed. Had we made up?

“We still have a way to go, Mrs. Hughes, but we’re on the right track,” Thomas said.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kate has some business to attend to.   
> The Constable wants to talk to her as well!  
> Thomas doesn't much care for either...

I got up earlier than usual the next morning, to make sure I was all ready for when Mr. Crawley wanted to leave.

People looked up from their breakfast when I came in, wearing my Sunday best instead of my work dress, but quickly focused on their food again.

“Mr. Crawley asks you be ready in thirty minutes,” Mr. Carson said when he came downstairs. He didn’t ask what kind of plans I had with Mr. Crawley, but his tone of voice made it clear he didn’t approve. Not even a little.

I nodded and ate a little quicker.

The others looked at me curiously, but didn’t ask. I didn’t give them the satisfaction of telling them either. These days, I didn’t feel part of the group and for once, I didn’t mind. The gossip would start soon enough… once they got wind of me having money… and probably even worse once they found out how I had gotten it…

I was upstairs 25 minutes later, waiting before of the main entrance. I had expected Mr. Crawley to be there as well, but he wasn’t.

The car came around the corner from the garage and I paled when I saw Mr. Crawley was the one driving.

I… was supposed to sit in the front with the driver, but… Mr. Crawley was the driver. I couldn’t sit up front with him. That wasn’t proper. I couldn’t sit in the back. That was as if he was my driver.

Mr. Crawley didn’t notice my unease, or if he did, he didn’t show it.

He pulled the car to a stop and stepped out, walking around it to open the front door for me.

I felt heat rush to my cheeks. His Lordship’s heir was holding the door open for me. Mr. Carson would have an aneurism if he saw…

I was a servant! I should be the one holding the door for Mr. Crawley, if anything. But then, Mr. Crawley didn’t hold with etiquette. He had grown up in a simple house with only three servants before he had come to Downton. He dressed without a valet most days, he drove his own car… Keeping servants wasn’t modern any more… and Mr. Crawley was thoroughly modern in every way.

The moment he would be Lord of the house, we would all be out of a position.

Pushing those thoughts aside, I climbed in the car. Lord Grantham was in his best years and mostly healthy. He would be the Lord of the house for a while longer.

Mr. Crawley closed the door behind me and walked around the car to get into the driver’s seat himself.

“The weather is quite nice, what do you think we drive to York instead of taking the train?” He had to raise his voice over the sound of the engine.

I hesitated. Was he really asking my opinion? “However you please, Mr. Crawley,” I said.

I slowly got why everyone downstairs was so fond of him. He treated me like… a person, not like a servant. Lord Grantham was fairly nice as well, polite, always had an open ear, but at the same time he never failed to make sure there was still some distance left, something to set him apart from us servants.

Mr. Crawley didn’t seem intent on keeping any sort of distance.

“I was looking forward to driving with you,” he said. “I wanted to talk to you about your plans! With the Pharmacy, with the money. You don’t intend to take the business over yourself, do you?”

I shook my head. I didn’t have half the knowledge I’d need to be a proper Pharmacist.

“What then?” he said, focusing back on the road. “Will you sell it? Rent it out?”

“I haven’t really thought about it, to be honest,” I said. “It’s all happened so quickly…”

“Yes, you’re right of course. I apologize.”

“No, not at all, My L… Mr. Crawley,” I said. “It’s only, I never thought I would come into any kind of money, much less a business.”

“I understand that sentiment better than anyone,” he muttered, “before His Lordship wrote to me, I didn’t think so either. And now look at us!”

I nodded. The amount I had inherited from Peter was a speck of dust compared to Downton, but it was nice of Mr. Crawley to put us on the same level.

“All I want to say is, if you ever feel the need for advice, no matter what kind, you may always call on me.”

“Thank you Mr. Crawley. That’s very kind.”

The rest of the journey was uneventful. Mr. Crawley went with me to the Notary’s office and watched me sign all the necessary documents. I went to a pub to get a bite to eat while he attended to his business and we were back in Downton by evening, with me being proud owner of the village Pharmacy. Everyone had urged me all day long to quickly make a decision about the Pharmacy. With Peter gone, people in the village, including the inhabitants of Downton Abbey, had to get their medicine from the next village over, which was an hour-long walk. Not something anyone intended to keep up for long.

I decided I’d rent the place out for now and placed an advertisement looking for a Pharmacist in the York Chronicle before we left.

When we passed the Downton Police Station, the Constable came running outside, in that odd waddle only very fat people did, waving after us.

Mr. Crawley stopped the car and reversed. “How may I be of assistance Constable Hill?” he asked, rolling down the window.

“I’m afraid it’s not you I want, Mr. Crawley. It’s Miss Green,” the Constable wheezed.

Both men looked at me and I opened the door to get out on shaky legs. “Yes?”

“Something’s come up,” Constable Hill said over the roof of the car. “If you would follow me inside.”

I froze. Had I done anything wrong? Was I under arrest again?

It took a conscious effort to get my feet to follow Constable Hill into the building, Mr. Crawley following us, despite the Constable telling him we wouldn’t have need of him.

“What… what happened?” I asked, keeping my distance from the Constable as far as was possible in the small police station. Would he lock me up again?

“Things have come up, that have made it necessary to take you here,” the Constable muttered. “Sit.” He pointed me at the chair opposite his desk. “I assume you do remember you were asked not to leave the village upon our last meeting,” he said, voice patronizing.

I sat. “Yes, but…” What could have come up? I hadn’t purposely killed Peter. It had been an accident. Nothing could have come up! If they had come up with something, I would hang! Innocently!

They couldn’t have found anything but the truth! It was impossible!

“Imagine my surprise when I called at the big house today just to be told you had gone off to York.”

My mouth went dry. I hadn’t even thought about that. Everything had happened so fast and Mr. Crawley had been so nice…

“I was with her all day,” Mr. Crawley said. “She wouldn’t have been able to run off.” He had taken a stand to my left.

“I ought to send a report to my higher-ups either way. Your case isn’t closed, Miss Green.”

“I…” I made, but Mr. Crawley interrupted me.

“As I said, Constable Hill. I was with Miss Green all day long, in the capacity as her legal representative.”

“Legal representative you say…” the Constable scratched the back of his head. “Well then,” he slowly said, “that… changes matters.” He looked from Mr. Crawley to me and back again. “Either way, consider this your warning, Miss Green. No further insubordination will be tolerated.”

“Yes, Constable. Thank you, Constable,” I said nodding eagerly. I didn’t know what a report to his higher-ups would mean for me, but I doubted it would be a good thing.

“So, with that settled, what was it you wanted to talk to Miss Green about?” Mr. Crawley said, letting impatience seep into his voice.

“Of course,” Constable Hill nodded at him and laboriously got up from his chair, back very straight. He moved through the room with the agility of a man very much used to his considerable weight. I hesitantly got up as well, not wanting to be the only person sitting down.

“Do you know this man?” Constable Hill said to me, pointing at the fellow that sat in the cell where I had sat just a week ago.

The prisoner had been perfectly still until now and I had been so adamant in not looking at the cell, I hadn’t even noticed there was someone in there. He looked up at me for just a second before leaning back against the wall again. He seemed… lost somehow. Like a man fresh out of luck.

“I… he seems familiar,” I thoughtfully said. “What is this about, Constable?” I was confused. Why was the Constable asking me about this stranger?

“Mr. Smith,” he said with a tone that very much communicated he didn’t believe for a second, the man’s name really was Smith, “was caught trying to break into the Dowager Countess’ house last night. We think he might be the same man who intruded Downton.”

I looked at the stranger in the cell again. He had closed his eyes and crossed his arms. Did this mean I was here about the break-in? I had almost forgotten about that already… But this meant the Constable wouldn’t be locking me up again then? I wouldn’t hang?

I needed a few seconds to process this new development and closed my eyes, taking a few deep breaths. “Yes, I think it’s him.” I finally said.

“Are you sure?” the Constable said, stepping next to me.

I nodded. “Yes. I remember him.”

“Well then… you may leave,” Constable Hill said, looking at Mr. Crawley.

“M… me too?”

“Both of you! But don’t leave the village again, Miss Green!”

I felt my knees go weak. He wouldn’t be keeping me! They hadn’t found anything to incriminate me! I took a step and almost stumbled over my own feet. Mr. Crawley caught my arm, keeping me upright.

“Are you quite alright?” he asked.

“Yes, just… I thought I would be…” I vaguely motioned at the cell.

“Well, you’re not. Come along, let’s get you home,” Mr. Crawley kindly said, leading me out the door.

By the time we reached the house, I felt mostly steady again.

“You’re back? I was half sure they’d have taken you to the Tower by now,” Beth said when I stepped inside.

It was past Dinnertime and most of the others had gone upstairs already. Of course Beth would be the one to welcome me.

I didn’t deign her with a reply.

I was too hungry. For the first time in days, I felt like I could eat.

Mrs. Patmore was in the kitchen. “Oh, you’re back! Will you take your dinner upstairs with his Lordship or is the Servant’s Hall still good enough for you?” she teased, smiling kindly.

I smiled at her too. “Downstairs will be just fine, Mrs. Patmore,” I said. I was so happy, I wanted to hug her. Today had been a good day!

“Well, sit down then, I’ll go find you something.”

“Thank you.”

Beth had sat down and was reading one of her fashion magazines. She looked up at me but didn’t say anything more. Not that I would have cared! I was proud owner of a business and a small fortune. Well… not proud really, but I was the owner either way.

I should go tell Thomas. I really wanted to tell him, but…

Mrs. Patmore came in with a tray. My mouth started watering with the aroma and I hardly waited for her to pull away her hand before I dug in. It was delicious. It was hot. I felt it warm me up inside.

I wolfed down the plate in less than a minute and got up to ask for a refill as Thomas came downstairs.

He looked at me and I hardly gave him a second to say anything before I went to him and squeezed him tight, plate still in hand. I was so happy!

Thomas was stiff in my arms and I looked up at him.

He didn’t seem happy at all.

Frowning, I let go and put my plate on the table, watching him intently.

He stared at me for a moment, deciding what to do and then grabbed my arm and dragged me outside.

Mrs. Patmore looked after us but only raised an eyebrow. Beth would doubtlessly be clinging to the window to make out what we were saying.

“Where have you been all day?” Thomas barked, the moment the door fell closed behind us.

“I…”

“You know what? Don’t bother! MR. CRAWLEY told me already!”

“I…”

“I was worried, Kate! You just up and left this morning, in your Sunday best! I thought they had found something against you… I thought they would lock you up for good!”

I blinked at him. “But I…”

“So you own the Pharmacy now…”

I nodded.

“Does that mean you’re going to leave Downton?”

“What? No! Why would I…”

“You have your own place! Surely you’re too good for your chamber upstairs!”

I took a slow step towards him, putting my hands to his arms so I was directly in his line of sight. How had he even come to that conclusion? “I don’t want to ever step foot in that house again, Thomas,” I slowly said.

He took a breath as if wanting to say something, but deflated as he swallowed down whatever snarky comment he’d had prepared. “You don’t?”

“No!” How could he even ask me this? He knew the awful things that had happened to me in that house. If it was all up to me, I would have burned it down already.

He looked at me doubtfully but slowly seemed to decide he wanted to believe me. “Well then…”

I crossed my arms, watching him, waiting what he’d say now.

He took out his cigarettes and lit one up, offering me the pack as well.

I shook my head. I knew it was a peace offering, but it was cold outside and I only wore my dress, no shawl, no coat. I wanted to get back inside as quickly as possible.

“So… are we good?” I whispered, rubbing my arms to stay warm.

He nodded. “C’mere,” he said, lifting his arm so I could step under it and warm myself against him.

I pressed against him, sighing at his warmth.

“That dress suits you very well,” he whispered, placing a kiss to the top of my head.

“Thank you,” I slowly said.

Someone cleared their throat behind us.

I slowly stepped out from Thomas’ embrace and turned around. “Will you want a second helping?” Mrs. Patmore said, smiling at the pair of us.

“Yes, please,” I eagerly nodded at her.

She nodded back. “I’m glad you’re all made up. You’re getting unbearable when you don’t talk, the both of you.”

“Seems our secret love isn’t as secret any longer,” I muttered.

“Hasn’t been secret in a while,” Thomas laughed.

“I’m glad it’s out though.”

He nodded. “Me too.”

“What’s next then?” I whispered.

I felt him shrug. “Dunno…”

That… wasn’t the answer I had hoped for.

“You’re a proper heiress now. Will a footman still do?” He made it sound like a joke, but there was an undertone to his words…

“Always,” I whispered, getting up on tiptoe and kissing his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's taking me ages to post these days... I'm a bit busy with uni and I find it kinda hard to focus on my writing these days... i vow to try to be better (but I probably wont... I dunno >.<)


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So many things happen in this chapter... mostly good ones, for a change!

A couple of weeks had passed after Thomas and my altercation in the yard.

Slowly but steadily the news I was the owner of the village Pharmacy made the round among the servants and among the villagers. The reactions had been… mixed. They went from jealousy to outright hostility to heartfelt congratulations. The way I had inherited it, had been quite unusual, after all.

I was on my way to the village to meet with another possible tenant when I saw Mr. Molesley from afar. He had fallen on bad times and was working odd jobs in the village these days, but he had always remained his friendly and civil towards me.

He saw me too and lifted his arm to wave at me.

I changed my direction to meet him. It was late and I was glad I wouldn’t have to walk all by myself. Past events had made me wary.

“What brings you to the village at this hour?” Mr. Molesley asked. “May I walk with you?” He knew of my relationship with Thomas, but that didn’t persuade him from still wanting to be friends with me. I respected him all the more for it.

“Meeting a possible tenant,” I said, hooking my hand to the crook of his elbow. “How are you doing these days?” I asked, doing my best not to notice the sad state of his clothes.

“Well, I could do worse,” he shrugged.

“Better times are just ahead,” I promised. It was what one was supposed to say in a situation like this, was it not?

He nodded. “I take it, your last candidate wasn’t the right fit then?”

“Didn’t like a woman for a landlady,” I muttered. “Just like the one before that…” Not that they’d have said it outright, of course, but they had managed to make it very clear nonetheless.

We walked a couple of steps in silence. “Mr. Molesley, could I have an hour of your time? I would pay you for it, of course!”

He turned his head to look at me. “I could never accept payment from a friend.”

“I would like to help you though. I grew up poor. I know how it… Please, let me help you!”

“What kind of job are you offering?”

“Would you mind acting as my…” I hesitated. I couldn’t say father. That would have been impolite. “…my brother? To give the new pharmacist a man to… talk to.”

“I… I’m not very good at playacting,” Mr. Molesley said, self-consciously rubbing the back of his balding head.

“I would do most of the talking; you just need to… act brotherly.” I smiled.

“Well… no time like the present to try something new,” he agreed.

I smiled at him. “Thank you!”

The new Pharmacist seemed to like having a man to address, even though I was the one answering all of his questions. That didn’t seem to bother him though and an hour later, I was walking back to the house, carrying a signed contract.

“Will you be coming to the Servants’ Ball on Saturday?” I asked Mr. Molesley, when we said our goodbyes.

“I’m no longer a servant,” Mr. Molesley said. There was real sadness in his eyes. He was very fond of dancing and he had always enjoyed the ball.

“I could ask Mrs. Hughes, if you’d like. You will always be one of us,” I said, placing a hand on his arm.

“That’s kind of you to offer, but I wouldn’t want to impose.”

I sighed. “Well, if you change your mind…” I smiled at him kindly as we said our goodbyes. It hurt to see a friend falling so deep. I had the financial means to help him now. I just had to come up with a way to make him accept it without insulting his pride. It was all he had left, after all.

+++

The Servants’ Ball was much looked forward to by everyone in the big house.

I had ordered a new dress that was easily the most extravagant thing I had ever owned; made from soft, iridescent, fabric in a light green colour that was all the rage these days, with a wide neck that showed off part of my shoulders and arms. I hadn’t wanted to buy it at first, because it seemed too daring, but Anna had assured me it wasn’t too scandalous and reminded me the Ladies upstairs wore the same kind of dress all the time.

She was right, of course. The dress suited me very well and the green fabric brought out the colour of my eyes. Wearing it made me feel like a proper Lady myself.

I was looking forward to watching Thomas watch me in it.

Thomas…

Ever since we had made up again, we spent every free minute together, oftentimes acting more than improper. Most every other servant had caught us exchanging caresses at one point or another. Our secret was out now, for good; and no one seemed to mind. I couldn’t remember for the life of me why it had seemed like such an important secret to keep before.

The fact I had suffered from my monthly curses, usually not something to look forward to, only added to my happiness this month.

I wasn’t with child!

Peter’s family would die with him!

I would never admit to the thought in polite company, but I didn’t think the world any poorer for it.

+++

“Put your hand here,” Thomas muttered. “No, like this. See?”

“Yes,” Daisy said. She sounded breathless.

Glancing around the corner, I caught a glimpse of them, dancing in the Servants’ Hall, Daisy silently counting her steps.

She had a look of utter concentration on her face but seemed happy as happy can be. Thomas’ full attention was on her and she even got to touch him…

It was plainly obvious, she still hadn’t gotten over him, even though she had caught us… doing things… I wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about that. I wanted to like her, but…

I could trust Thomas… I hoped.

We had talked things through and he knew how I felt.

This was just a dancing lesson. In the Servants’ Hall of all places… Daisy was much too young for him… And he loved me. And Daisy wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, would she? We were friends now, after all…

“One, two, three, one, two, three,” Thomas counted, carefully leading her up and down the narrow space between the table and the wall.

I stepped inside. Daisy froze the second she noticed me, staring at me openmouthed. She looked like someone who had been caught doing something they weren’t supposed to do. Thomas didn’t. He seemed quite unbothered with the whole situation, not an iota of unease in his whole conduct.

And really, there wasn’t anything to be bothered about, right? “Don’t stop on my accord,” I said, forcing myself to smile as I casually sat down and reached for the magazine someone had left on the table, all casual.

They weren’t doing anything wrong. This was just a dancing lesson.

But… once burnt, twice cautious.

I didn’t have a lot of time to spare anyways, but I wanted to rest my feet for a moment. The new shoes I had bought had yet to become soft and my poor feet would suffer until then.

Thomas took Daisy’s hand again, placing his own on her waist. He was a remarkably good dancer. Daisy definitely wasn’t. She kept on stumbling over her own feet and spent more time apologizing to Thomas than actually dancing.

Despite myself, I couldn’t help but watch the duo over the edge of my magazine. They weren’t doing anything wrong and yet…

I took a deep breath as I slipped off my shoes under the table, absentmindedly rubbing my foot.

“Let’s continue tomorrow,” Thomas suddenly said, “My feet have taken all the stepping on they can take for one day.”

“Yes, I’m terribly sorry,” Daisy muttered, scuttling off.

“Did I interrupt you?” I muttered when Thomas sat down next to me.

“She was terribly frightened you would be mad about my dancing with her.” He turned his chair and slapped his thighs for me to put my feet on. This was what was important, not stupid dancing lessons. I scolded myself for being jealous of Daisy.

I leaned back in my chair and put up my feet. He gently rubbed them and I closed my eyes. He had the most talented fingers… And those fingers had started wandering from my feet to my ankles and were halfway up towards my knees. His touches gave me all kinds of ideas and I felt myself blush.

An impish smirk played over Thomas’ face, when I opened my eyes to look at him.

“Did a massage parlour suddenly open in the Servants’ Hall without my noticing?” Mr. Carson suddenly said. I hadn’t noticed him enter.

“I… I’m very sorry, Mr. Carson,” I said, pulling my legs out of Thomas’ grasp and stepping back into my shoes. “My new shoes…”

“I don’t care about your shoes, Kate. Never have and never will. Lady Mary is looking for you upstairs.”

“Yes, Mr. Carson.” I got up.

“And what about you, Thomas?”

“I was taking my break,” Thomas calmly said, daring Mr. Carson to contradict him.

+++

Despite my having some money now, the dress I had bought was a plain one. To have it embroidered had seemed an unnecessary expense when I might just as well do it myself.

I had worked on it for the past couple of days, with Anna helping me whenever she found a free minute, but it was the evening of the ball and I still had to finish a small portion of embroidery around the bottom.

Most everyone else was downstairs already. Anna had laced my corset and put up my hair before going down as well and I was frantically stitching flowers on the soft fabric. Only a few more stitches…

I would miss the first dance at this rate, but I couldn’t just let the embroidery go unfinished!

+++

I was done, what felt an hour later, but was probably only a few minutes. Carefully pulling the dress over my head, I looked at myself in the mirror.

I could hardly believe this woman staring back at me was me. All that was missing to make me look like the girls in the magazines was one of those long pearl necklaces that were all the rage now, but even the fake ones they had offered in the catalogue had seemed much too expensive. Buying one would have been a waste, when I would only get to wear it this once.

I slipped on my shoes, finally softened from days of wear, and hurried down the stairs. I would normally have used the servant’s stairs, but the feel of the soft fabric of my dress on my skin made me bold.

I stepped out on the main corridor.

Music was playing and excited voices filled the air.

I hesitated.

Maybe I shouldn’t have…

I was about to step back through the door onto the servants’ corridor, when Anna noticed me. She had been on her way upstairs, probably looking for me.

“Look at you!” she excitedly exclaimed, stepping out on the main corridor as well. “All done just in time!” She herself wore a much more modest gown, made from plain cotton, and a delicate necklace she had inherited from her late mother. Suddenly I felt overdressed.

I tried passing Anna by, but she stopped me. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Going back upstairs to change…”

“No! Come!” She pushed me back out on the main corridor, holding on to my hand. We stood on the gallery and watched the other dancers for a moment and when there was a lull in the music, Anna cleared her throat, making everyone look up at us.

I felt myself blush violently.

“Go,” she whispered, pushing me forward.

I felt all the eyes in the room on me and almost tripped over the carpet on the first stair. Then I found Thomas’ face in the crowd. He had been dancing with the Dowager Countess and was looking up at me, eyes wide.

I focused on him and only him, trying my best to dismiss all the others looking at me.

The knowing smile on his face made it hard to focus. I could almost read his thoughts… about what he planned to do to me later… I blushed harder, if that was even possible. My knees went weak and I had to hold on to the banister to stop myself from stumbling and falling down the stairs and breaking my neck.

One step after another, slowly, Kate. Carefully.

And don’t forget to breathe. Deep breaths!

How many stairs were there? It felt as if I should have reached the bottom by now, but there was still a way to go.

The music had started playing again and most everyone was dancing as before, but Thomas was still looking at me, as was the Dowager Countess. She had a kind smile on her face. Not a thing I’d ever expected to be directed at me.

Thomas took a step towards the bottom of the staircase, his arm outstretched for me.

I gripped his hand tight.

“May I have this dance?” he asked.

“Weren’t you dancing with the Dowager Countess?”

“Oh I wouldn’t dream of standing between young lovers!” the Dowager exclaimed, the kind smile still on her face. “And I’m too old to dance with a partner of such temperament anyways.”

“Thank you, my Lady,” I muttered as Thomas directed a quiet smile at her.

He led me towards the dancefloor and took both my hands, putting one on his shoulder. Thomas was a very good dancer even though he rarely got the opportunity to exercise his talent. He dearly loved dancing too, I knew that from years of friendship with him.

Yet, we had never danced together.

My dancing was… passable at best. I had never gotten much practise and it showed. Maybe I should have asked him to give me some lessons as well. I had trouble keeping up with his quick steps and turns and often missed a step so I could get to where I was supposed to be.

If he noticed, he didn’t show it.

The song stopped and he led me to the edge of the dancefloor.

“I have something for you,” he said, reaching into his pocket. I hadn’t noticed a bulge there, until he pulled out a small box and opened it.

I looked from the necklace to him and back down again; a slim, gold chain, with three small, white pearls on the front rested on red velvet.

Thomas took it out and put the box to the side as he stepped around me to fasten it around my neck.

I swallowed. That necklace must have cost a fortune. Never before had anyone given me such a lovely present.

He pressed a gentle kiss to my neck, shielding us from view with his back, before he stepped around me once more.

“You look lovely tonight,” he whispered, looking down at me.

“We should get married.” I blurted out… and wanted to slap my hands over my mouth. What in the Lord’s name…

Thomas raised an eyebrow, staring at me.

“Uh… thank you,” I said, hoping to play over my stupid exclamation. Why had I…

“Yes.” Thomas nodded. “We should.”

I might or might not have whimpered.

He pulled me close and we kissed.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Police is coming to Downton Abbey and unpleasant truths come to the surface.

We were engaged.

And it had only taken us a couple of years of scandal, a war and a dead fiancé.

The case of the dead fiancé wasn’t quite closed yet. I was at breakfast a couple of days later, when Constable Hill made another visit to the big house. Not alone this time around. “Miss Green. So good to find you here, for a change,” he sarcastically started.

“Constable Hill,” I got up to greet him and his younger counterpart. “And…?”

“Inspector Miller,” the other Policeman said, extending his hand towards me. He was much slimmer than Constable Hill, a little taller and wore a moustache that felt much too big for his face.

“Will you want some coffee, Inspector, Constable?” Mrs. Hughes asked, offering them both a chair at the breakfast table.

“Yes, thank you, Mrs. Hughes. Is there somewhere Sergeant Miller and I can talk to Miss Green undisturbed?” Constable Hill said.

I froze. What did they want to talk to me about?

Mrs. Hughes didn’t lose her composure quite as easily. “Of course,” she smoothly took over. “You can have use of my Sitting Room. Follow me, if you will.” Mrs. Hughes said. “Mrs. Patmore, please send us some coffee.” She put a hand to my back and led us all into her Sitting Room, motioning for everyone to sit down, but remaining standing herself.

“I hear, congratulations are in order. You got engaged again, Miss Green, is that true?” Inspector Miller said.

I nodded.

“So fast after your last fiancé died so… tragically.”

“He…” I hesitated. What was I supposed to say?

“You will understand of course, that this kind of behaviour is raising quite a few eyebrows. It is customary to go into mourning for six months at least, after a beloved has died.”

I nodded. “I’m aware, yes, but… he…” I swallowed. “He… I had planned to break off our engagement that night…”

“Break off the engagement? Why is this the first time I hear of that?” the Inspector asked, looking at Constable Hill, then at his notebook, and scribbling down something.

“No one… no one asked about it before,” I muttered, nervously looking at Constable Hill.

“And why is it you were planning to break off the engagement?”

I swallowed again. “Does a woman need a reason for breaking off an engagement?”

Inspector Miller raised an eyebrow. “If said woman’s fiancé ends up dead, then yes, she does.”

“He…” I hesitated, taking a few deep breaths, staring at the table. I didn’t want to say it out loud. I had almost managed to push the things he had done to the very back of my head. Saying it out loud would just bring it up again. “He didn’t treat me very well…”

“In what way, may I ask?”

“In many a way…” I whispered. I squeezed my eyes shut for a few moments, working hard to hold back tears.

“I can account to the state she was in oftentimes after she came home from seeing Mr. Johnson,” Mrs. Hughes put in. “I didn’t pay it any mind at first, but after Kate drew back into herself more and more… I blame myself for letting it come this far.”

“Were you aware Mr. Johnson has made you his sole heir?” Inspector Miller asked, only giving Mrs. Hughes a court nod.

I shook my head.

“It would account to him being very fond of you.”

“He had an interesting way of showing it, if he was.” I muttered. Suddenly I felt cold… thinking of the first time Peter had…

Mrs. Hughes took a couple of steps and sat down next to me, putting a reassuring hand to my back.

“How did you kill him?” the Inspector asked, suddenly changing directions.

I looked up. “I didn’t do it on purpose. It was an accident.”

“How did it happen?”

“I… I came to talk to him… about breaking off the engagement. He didn’t care for it. He… started shouting at me, like he always did… and he… he got violent…” I touched my neck, as if reassuring myself the bruises were really gone. “He had been mad a lot, but… never like this. There was something in his eyes…”

The Inspector scribbled everything down into his notepad.

“I panicked and I reached for anything I might find…” I sniffled, “and I grabbed the first thing I reached and I… just… hit him with it, as hard as I could.”

“And there wasn’t any other way you could have defended yourself?”

Was he serious? I had been about to black out and die and he was asking me if I could have done it differently?

“Was there?” he prompted again, when I didn’t answer.

“I don’t know… I was scared… I wasn’t thinking, just… just acting… trying to save my life.

The Inspector nodded as he made another note.

“Dr Clarkson has attested to you having been violated…”

I wrapped my arms around myself. Why did he have to ask about that again? Why?

“Inspector, is this really necessary? Don’t you see you’re frightening her?” Mrs. Hughes said.

“I’m afraid, it is necessary, Miss…”

“Mrs. Hughes.”

“Mrs. Hughes. Murder is a serious business.”

I sniffled. “Yes, he did.”

“Are you aware this is a possible motive?”

“A motive?” I shook my head. “My motive was to defend myself against being killed, Inspector!”

“And I would like to make sure of just that. It says here, a Mr. Barrow was found with you on said evening,” he said, looking down at his notes again.

I nodded.

“Is he available for an interview as well?”

Mrs. Hughes got up. “Just a minute.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Hughes.”

“Go get Thomas!” Mrs. Hughes said to someone outside her door. “Tell him its urgent!” She sat down next to me again. I couldn’t put into words, how thankful I was for her not leaving me alone.

“Is this the same Mr. Barrow you’re engaged to now?” the Inspector continued.

I nodded.

“What was your relationship to Mr. Barrow back then?”

“What do you mean, Inspector?”

“Were you… in cahoots with him?”

“Inspector,” Mrs. Hughes protested. “I must object this kind of question!”

“I will ask you not to interfere this one time, Mrs. Hughes. Next time I will ask you to leave.”

My mind was racing. I couldn’t tell them Thomas and I had been… but… I couldn’t lie to the police! It was against the law! Thomas and I being intimate wasn’t illegal… just… frowned upon.

Swallowing I gave a tiny nod.

Mrs. Hughes looked at me, scandalized.

The Inspector made a note in his book.

A knock on the door made us all look up.

“Come in,” Mrs. Hughes said, sounding shaken.

“You were asking…” Thomas stopped himself as he took in the whole scene.

“Mr. Barrow, I presume?” The Inspector said, getting up.

Thomas nodded.

“You may be dismissed for the moment, Miss Green,” the Inspector said. “But don’t leave the premises.”

Thomas tried to touch me as I passed him, but I shook him off. I couldn’t… Mrs. Hughes followed me out of the room.

She closed the door behind us and crossed her arms over her chest.

I wished I could just vanish into thin air as she looked at me disappointedly. “I knew there had been something going on between Thomas and you for a while, but I never…” she muttered, shaking her head.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Hughes.”

“Me too,” she said. “Me too.” With that she walked off.

I stood in the corridor for a moment longer, not entirely sure what to do with myself. I heard Thomas’ voice through the door but couldn’t make out his words. Should I wait for him?

No. I couldn’t bear just standing here, waiting for my fate to be decided. I had to do something…

Anna suddenly came downstairs, looking pale.

“Anna! Is everything alright?” I asked, moving towards her. Better to focus on someone else than on myself.

“Yes, I just need a breath of air,” she said.

She didn’t look alright at all, but she obviously didn’t want to be fussed about. “Could you please go upstairs and attend to Lady Mary for me?” she asked after a moment’s hesitation. There were tears glittering in her eyes and she held herself hunched over.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay with you?” I asked, placing a careful hand on her shoulder.

“Yes, just… go see to Lady Mary…” she moved towards the door and left me alone. She didn’t look well at all… but she didn’t want my help. I turned and went upstairs. Tending to Lady Mary was just the thing to get my mind away from things… She would command my full focus.

“I think I’ll wear the blue ensemble today, Anna,” Lady Mary said when I came inside. She didn’t look up from the Newspaper she was reading. “I plan on going to York in the afternoon.”

“I’m sorry, Anna isn’t feeling too well. She sent me to attend to you in her stead,” I said, removing her breakfast tray from her lap and putting it to the side for the moment.

“Is she ill?” Lady Mary asked. She and Anna were as close as a Lady and her Maid could be. Real concern swung in her voice.

“I don’t know, my Lady. She looked rather pale, but she said she only needed a breath of air.”

“And you? You look rather shaken yourself.”

“I… had an eventful morning, my Lady.”

“So it’s true, we have the Police in the house?”

I nodded.

“Well, I hope this terrible business will be settled once and for all after this visit.” She got up from her bed and moved towards the bathroom, not really looking at me. She had an aloofness about her that made it hard to think she really cared for each of her staff, but Anna guaranteed me she did. Just like Lord Grantham.

I nodded again. “Yes, me too.”

I went to search her blue ensemble while she was washing. Anna would have known which one she meant, of course, but I didn’t. There were three blue dresses in her wardrobe.

“This one,” she pointed out, when I held them out to her helplessly.

“Thank you,” I said. Lady Mary could be quite intimidating when she chose to, but she seemed to be in a good mood today.

That made one of us.

My mind kept wandering downstairs to where Thomas was probably still being interrogated.

Would he be able to make the policemen believe what I had told them? I had been truthful in every single word, after all; even going so far as to fall out of my good graces with Mrs. Hughes.

Lady Mary sat down at her dressing-table and was waiting for me to attend to her hair.

“So, when are you and Barrow going to get married?” she asked.

“We haven’t set a date yet, my Lady. It all happened rather surprisingly.”

“How did he ask you?” She smiled at me through the mirror.

I swallowed. “In fact… I asked him.”

“Oh?” Her eyebrows went up. “How so?”

“At the Servants’ Ball. He gave me such a lovely necklace and I was… overwhelmed with feelings, I’m afraid to say. It isn’t very ladylike of me, but…” I trailed off.

“Lady Sybil would have been very proud of you. She was a big believer in women’s equality.”

I had never met Lady Sybil, but everyone who knew her, upstairs or down was immensely fond of her. Being told she would be proud of me must be a great compliment. “Thank you, my Lady.”

I carefully brushed her hair and did my best putting it up in the way Anna did so well. My skills were far from Anna’s though.

“I’m sorry, I…”

“It’s alright,” Lady Mary said, fussing with her hair here and there. “I will wear a hat most of the day anyways…”

“Anything else I can be of assistance with?”

She was fully dressed and wore just the right amount of jewellery; just the right amount in this case meant, what she was wearing was worth more than I made in a year. Her hair was… done and her hat pinned in place. She looked lovely and fear inspiring at the same time. Just like she did most days.

“I don’t think so,” she said, looking herself over in the mirror once again and then nodded at me to leave.

+++

I had been with Lady Mary for about an hour. The door to Mrs. Hughes’ sitting room was still closed, with male voices talking behind it.

Were they still interviewing Thomas? I put my ear against the door.

That wasn’t Thomas talking.

Frowning, I stepped away. Where was he?

The house was never completely silent, there were too many people living and working in it, but it was quiet now. The thick carpets on the upstairs corridors swallowed the sound of my footsteps as I hurried down them in search of Thomas.

The door to the small library was open and I stuck my head inside, checking if Thomas was there.

He grasped me around the waist and pulled me inside so unexpectedly I almost screamed. Before the door had even fallen closed, he had pushed me against the bookshelves, kissing me, hard and much sloppier than usual. His hands were all over my body, his groin pressing against mine, trapping me between him and the shelves.

“I love you,” he whispered, moving down to my neck, kissing, biting, licking.

“Thomas!” I pushed him away. What was he thinking? His Lordship could come into the library at any minute and we had much more important things to discuss. “What did they say?”

Thomas looked at me, breathing hard, desire plainly written on his face. “Nothing.” He moved in to kiss me again, licking my earlobe and gently sucking on it.

“Nothing?” I breathlessly asked. His touches made it hard to focus.

“Doctor Clarkson arrived to look in on Anna and they dismissed me to talk to him,” he whispered against my ear.

So it… had been Dr Clarkson’s voice I had heard in Mrs. Hughes’ office.

“Why are you…” I broke off on account of him moving in for another kiss.

“Who knows how much more time we have?” he muttered into my mouth. His fingers had worked open the topmost buttons on my dress and he pulled down my collar, exposing my clavicles. His free hand found my breast and I breathed hard under his touches. He was right. This might be the last chance we’d get for a long time… Suddenly whatever happened downstairs seemed far away. Thomas, standing right before me, was much more important.

He shifted against me and I whimpered at the hardness that met my groin. That lovely hardness… so inviting and full of promise… My fingers found the front of his pants and worked their way inside. I wanted to make him feel good one last time, before they would take me away.

He gasped when I wrapped my fingers around him. His eyes fluttered closed and his breathing sped up.

I turned us around so his back was to the wall and moved slow, gentle, fingers over him, just as I knew he liked it.

One of his hands was around my waist, the other searched for purchase on the shelves behind him, as his knees grew weak.

“I love you so much,” I whispered. A strand of his hair had come loose and I brushed it back where it belonged.

The doorknob turned and the door snapped open.

I pulled my hand out of Thomas’ pants and stepped before him as I turned to face whoever was interrupting us, hiding him from view with my skirts.

“Thomas, have you seen… Oh, there you are, Kate. Get downstairs,” Mrs. Hughes looked us up and down, taking in our doubtlessly tousled states.

Her gaze didn’t meet mine.

I had lost her respect… and rightfully so. I had lied to her when she had put her faith in me, cared about me, defended me…

I didn’t dare ask her what they wanted me for downstairs. I would find out soon enough.

My fingers were shaking as I buttoned up my dress again, mechanically setting one foot in front of the other.

I should have run. From the very beginning. But it was too late for that now. I would never get away in time… The next few minutes would decide everything. They would decide the rest of my – possibly very short – life.

Constable Hill, Inspector Miller and Dr Clarkson were all still sitting in Mrs. Hughes’ Office, sipping tea, acting as if it was just any ordinary day… and for them it probably was. They weren’t the ones facing a life altering decision. They were just sipping tea and having a nice chat.

“Miss Green,” Dr Clarkson put his cup and saucer on the table and got to his feet. “I’m glad to see you looking a lot better than the last time we met.”

I swallowed. My mouth was completely dry. “Yes, so am I,” I croaked, slowly turning towards the policemen. I wanted to ask them what decision they had come to… but I couldn’t bring myself to speak the words. I was too scared.

The Inspector, taking his time eating one of Mrs. Patmore’s biscuits, took pity on me after what felt like a million years of chewing and swallowing. “Doctor Clarkson has spoken in your favour,” he said, unhurriedly stirring his tea. The sound of the spoon clattering against the china seemed unusually loud to my ears. “He attested to your injuries and assured us the marks indicated you had, in fact, been in mortal danger by suffocation. You should be thankful, because yours and Mr. Barrows accounts both haven’t been too persuasive.”

“Haven’t they?” I said just to say anything. I still needed a little time to process what he was saying. “But we told the truth!”

“And Doctor Clarkson has confirmed your truth, unlikely as it might have sounded,” Inspector Miller agreed.

I opened my mouth to say something more, but Constable Hill beat me to it. “Let’s put this ugly business behind us and don’t talk about it any further,” he said, effectively shutting me up.

“I agree,” Dr Clarkson said, shooting me a pointed glance. “Now if you will excuse me, I have a patient to see.” He nodded at each of the Policemen in turn.

“Of course,” Constable Hill said, getting up as well.

“So, Kate is free to go?” Thomas said from behind me. I hadn’t even been aware he had followed me.

The Inspector nodded. “The charges will be dropped on account of Miss Green acting in self-defence.”

I took a step backwards. My knees turned weak and I had to hold on to Mrs. Hughes’ desk. I was free. My name was cleared…

Thomas’ arms went around me and I allowed myself to lean against him. My heart beat as if I had run all through the house. I had been proven innocent. The charges were dropped. I was free.

I only noticed Mrs. Hughes leading the policemen out of her Sitting Room on the very edge of my consciousness. I was free.

Free!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if I would have named this chapter, I would probably have named it "Free" but that would be a terrible spoiler ofc...   
> I hope you were a little scared for the two of them!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things progress quite a bit in this chapter.   
> It has Anna, it has Lady Mary, it has fighting and love and intimate devices...

Anna and Mr. Bates had moved into their own cottage a few minutes away from the big house after their wedding a couple of months ago. It was unusual seeing back her in her old room, looking pale and tired.

I sat down on the edge of her bed and took her hand. She opened her eyes and looked at me.

“What happened?” I asked softly.

Anna sighed. She looked at our hands, at the ceiling, anywhere but at my face. “I was pregnant… now I’m no more.”

“Oh Anna!” I cried out, squeezing her hand tighter. “I’m so sorry.” I bent over her and hugged her tight.

Anna put weak arms around me as well. Silent sobs shook her whole body. “It’s the third time,” she whimpered. “Mr. Bates must regret ever marrying me…”

I pulled away to look her in the eyes. “Don’t talk like that! Mr. Bates loves you, as much as I’ve ever seen a man love his wife!”

“But how much longer will he?” Her eyes had a forlorn, desperate look to them that made me want to join in with her tears.

“For the rest of his life!” I promised. It hurt to see her like this. Anna was such a kind person, she deserved only the best. Three miscarriages was just… I shook my head. “Does Mr. Bates know?”

She shook her head as well, absentmindedly reaching for a handkerchief from the bedside table and dabbing at her eyes and nose.

I wished there was something I could say, anything to make her feel better, but… nothing could ever change what was happening to her.

Anna put her head back to her pillow and closed her eyes.

I sat with her in silence, holding her hand, desperately thinking for any way to help her, but there wasn’t a thing I could do, except for being there for her in moments like this; being her friend, a friendly ear to talk to, a shoulder to lean on.

The sobs that shook her body became less and less violent and her breathing evened out. She had fallen asleep.

I waited a few minutes more and slowly got to my feet. Anna looked incredibly small in her bed, all sad and teary eyed.

What kind of world did we live in, where harlots on the streets got pregnant and had children they didn’t want every day of the week while Anna who would doubtlessly be the best of mothers kept on having miscarriages?

I was deep in thought when I came back downstairs and went outside for a smoke to calm my mind.

There was one more person I had to talk to: Mrs. Hughes.

I had behaved rotten towards her. I deserved her disapproval and I was well aware of that, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t try to make things better.

The door to her Sitting Room was ajar. “Mrs. Hughes?” I asked, knocking on the doorframe.

“Come on in.”

She was sitting at her desk, the big book with all the household expenses open before her.

“What can I do for you, Kate?” she asked. None of the usual warmth was in her voice and she barely paused from her work.

“I wanted to apologize,” I said.

I would never have thought her capable of sarcasm, but… “Whatever for?” she innocently said.

Her acting like this, cold and distant and sarcastic, hurt. I probably deserved it, but still… “Lying to you… abusing your trust,” I said, looking down at the tips of my shoes, my hands grasped before myself.

Mrs. Hughes stopped her writing and looked at me. She took a slow breath. “Thank you.”

I looked at her as well. “Am I forgiven then?”

Mrs. Hughes shook her head. When she next spoke, she talked slowly, enunciating each word carefully. “I was young once too, you know,” she said. “I also had an encounter or two that wasn’t entirely proper. I know what it is to be in love, even if you might not believe it.”

I heard a “but” coming there somewhere.

“I probably would have lied about it as well, if questioned by anyone. But that doesn’t mean I enjoy being lied to.”

I nodded. She was right.

“I’m glad you got out of everything unscathed. I was worried for you, Kate. You have grown on me in the years you’ve been with us. But finding out about your… sins… during a police interrogation… You will understand I need a couple of days to digest.”

I nodded once more. “I hope you can still forgive me in time.”

“I will. But it won’t be today and it won’t be tomorrow.”

That was more than I had expected. “Thank you Mrs. Hughes.”

That seemed to be the end of that conversation. Mrs. Hughes focused back on her writing again, before she looked up at me once more. “Anna is unwell, so you will have to take over her duties on top of your own.”

“Yes, of course.”

“Off you go then.”

+++

I was busy all day long, tending to Lady Edith, cleaning her and Lady Mary’s rooms, dusting, vacuuming, scurrying from one end of the house to the other. I didn’t even find the time to see Thomas between it all.

Most everyone was already sitting down when I finally went downstairs for supper. Anna wasn’t among them. Mr. Bates was. He looked pale. Had Anna talked to him?

I didn’t dare meet his eyes, for fear of spilling her secret. It wasn’t mine to tell.

I smiled at Thomas when he entered the Servants’ Hall.

He didn’t smile back, barely even acknowledged my presence. The chair next to mine, his usual seat, was the only free one and he sat down without a word.

I reached for his hand, but he pulled it out of my grasp.

“Everything alright?” I whispered.

“Of course! Why wouldn’t it be?” he muttered, not looking at me.

Mrs. Patmore put a pot with hot, steaming soup on the table and Thomas got up to take his fill. Lately, he had taken to filling my plate as well.

Today he didn’t.

My mind started racing. I hadn’t done anything to offend him, had I?

I ladled out my soup and ate in silence, only absentmindedly listening to the conversations of the others. The day had been long and I was exhausted.

Thomas would tell me what he was mad about sooner or later.

“Join me for a smoke,” he said the moment we both finished our pudding.

I got up slowly and followed him outside.

He lit a cigarette and handed it to me before taking one himself.

I silently waited. If he wanted to talk, he would talk.

“Why did you tell everyone you were the one to ask me to marry you?” he said without looking at me.

That had been fast. “I didn’t.”

He silently raised his eyebrows at me.

“Well, I told Lady Mary because she asked me about it, but…”

“How dare you tell her such a thing?”

“What do you mean? It’s what happened!”

“She told his Lordship… and he asked me about it at Dinner. In front of the whole household! Mr. Carson knows! And Andy!”

I still didn’t understand what he was going on about. “So?”

“SO! Everyone upstairs thinks me a wimp now! And by now, everyone downstairs will know about it as well!” he hissed.

“What?”

“It’s not a manly thing to do!” He looked at me as if I was stupid.

“What?” I frowned at him.

“For a man to be asked to get… married!” That last word was spoken as if it was dirty in a way.

“But… it’s what happened!” I tried defending myself. “Since when do you care about being manly?”

“When you’re… like me, you have to care!” His voice was low, but I knew he wanted to shout. His face was hard and angry, fists balled at his sides, practically vibrating with anger.

I took a step away from him. He seemed like a man about to snap. And I had learned from experience I didn’t want to be close to any man when he snapped.

He looked at me, pressing his lips together into a thin line, breathing hard. The muscles in his jaw were working as if he wanted to say something, but fought against it.

He lifted his hand.

I cowered involuntarily.

He stopped moving, looking at me, cigarette silently smoking between his fingers, halfway to his lips. He looked at it as if he was unsure where it had come from. Exhaling deeply, he tossed the cigarette to the ground, stomping it out under his heel. “You know I would never hurt you.”

I swallowed. Did I know? Yes, I did, but…

I looked at the ground.

He put his fingers under my chin and made me look up. “I’m sorry.” He traced my lips with his thumb. Pulling me closer against him, he kissed my forehead and I slowly relaxed. This was the Thomas I had come to love. Tender, caring. He would never hurt me.

“I know, but…” I stopped myself. It didn’t matter. “You’re the perfect amount of manly,” I whispered, carefully kissing his throat. I let my fingers move under his jacket and around his back, holding him tight. He smelled so good. I took a few moments to relax. Things were well between us again.

Deeply inhaling him, my face buried against his neck, I loosened his bow-tie a little so I could reach more skin with my lips and nuzzle his neck.

His Adams apple bobbed against me as he swallowed. His hands wandered downwards from my back to cup my buttocks. He moved us towards the small secluded area in the yard where we had exchanged so many secret kisses before and I willingly went with him.

The wall, as he pressed me against it, was cold and rough against my back, but I hardly minded. We were so close… And he was so eager.

My hands wandered under his jacket again and into the back of his pants and towards the front. I needed to feel him. We had decided to be more careful due to the recent events and hadn’t spent a night together in much too long.

Close as we were now, I was painfully aware of it. I missed him. I… wanted him.

I unbuttoned his waistband with shaking fingers and he pushed up my dress.

The outside air was cold on my bare skin, but I didn’t care.

<3 <3 <3

Our encounter was quick and uncomfortable, but left us both satisfied and more in love than ever. I couldn’t wait to marry Thomas and spend every night together, doing… things to each other, with each other… and rightfully so!

We were engaged now, alright, but if anyone caught us behaving as we just had in the yard, we would still both be sacked. Even for a married couple, what we had just done… it was so far from proper, it was on an entirely different continent!

And if I got pregnant now… I swallowed as we stepped inside again. The others were playing cards or reading or chatting. I didn’t want to sit with them.

“I’ll go look in on Anna,” I muttered.

Thomas nodded at me, a smirk playing around his mouth, and went to sit with the others.

Anna was alone in her room, sleeping.

I didn’t want to disturb her, so I sat on the chair next to her bed. The silence was soothing to my nerves. Seeing Anna in the woes of her miscarriage had reminded me of my mother. I couldn’t have been more than 10 years old at the time, but I remembered her looking exactly like Anna, crying for days and telling me I would understand when I was older. And even before that… I had been present when each of my younger sisters had been born. My mother’s screams and moans of pain had haunted me for months afterwards each time. And those had been the successful births.

What Anna went through seemed just as bad.

Lady Sybil had died in childbirth and she wasn’t the only one. Women died giving birth all the time.

I didn’t want that. I liked children well enough, but I didn’t want to…

I shook my head at the silent room. I couldn’t even think of this. Thomas would want children. We had never talked of it, but all men did, did they not?

I sighed.

Anna opened her eyes and looked at me. Her smile was weak, but kind.

She sat up in bed and I moved my chair closer. “How are you feeling?”

“Don’t ask me that,” Anna said. “Everyone keeps asking me and I can’t give them a straight answer.”

“Did you tell Mr. Bates?”

She shook her head. “I told him I was feeling unwell, but no more. What were you thinking about just now? You looked uncomfortable.”

I swallowed. She had trusted me with her intimate secret. I could trust her too, could I not?

“Thomas and I… I’m scared I will suffer as you do.”

“You probably won’t! Most women…” she paused to take a few breaths, collecting herself, ”… most women don’t have to face these problems.”

“I don’t think I want to risk it. I don’t think I ever want to have children,” I muttered, looking at my hands. “But Thomas…”

“It’s a dangerous business, giving birth,” Anna agreed.

I nodded.

“But it will ultimately be worth it. Look at Master George and young Lady Sybil!”

I huffed. “Thomas loves Master George. That’s what has me so worried.”

“Well, you’re not married yet. You have some time to make up your mind about it.” Anna reassuringly said.

“Well…” I hesitated. Should I really…

It didn’t matter. Mrs. Hughes knew, so Anna might as well… “Thomas and I have been… doing…” I cleared my throat. “We have been intimate a few times.”

I had thought Anna was pale before, but her face went even whiter now. “But… When? How?”

“There… are many… umm… opportunities, if you… when you look for them,” I mumbled, looking at my hands.

“You better be careful! You’re engaged now, but if anyone catches you…”

“I’ll be ruined, I know.”

“So the rumours… From when you went to see your father…?”

I shook my head. “Thomas and I… shared a room. A bed. But…”

“Christ…” Anna muttered.

“I have loved him for as long as I can remember.” I didn’t know why, but I felt the urge to defend myself. Love between two people ought to matter more than marriage… than the law, should it not?

“I can’t say I’m not surprised. We always thought him… otherwise oriented.”

I said nothing to that.

Anna went silent for a moment as well. “Well, that’s taken my mind off of other matters now,” she then said. “Promise me, you’ll be careful! You’re not wed yet!”

I nodded. She was right, but Thomas had offered to marry me from that first moment. He wouldn’t run off now.

“So have you set a date?”

I shook my head. “It didn’t seem right while I was…” I realized I hadn’t even told Anna about the charges being dropped. And then I realized nothing was keeping Thomas and I from setting a date now.

I told Anna and for the first time that evening, her face lit up. “Oh I’m so happy for you, Kate! You have been through so much!”

She bent towards me and winced in pain.

I helped her settle back in bed. “Try to get some rest,” I muttered. “I will look after Lady Mary tomorrow. You just heal.”

“Thank you Kate,” Anna said. She very obviously tried not to show in how much pain she was, but her face was twisted. I wished I could take away some of it, but there was no way…

+++

I went to help Lady Mary undress and told her I would be coming for her again tomorrow, since Anna was still feeling poorly.

After that I went straight to bed.

+++

I woke up in the middle of the night with someone pressed against me from behind.

“Thomas?” I hissed.

A nuzzle against the back of my neck was the only answer.

“What are you doing here?” I whispered, half laughing.

“You think you’re the only one capable of sneaking to other rooms in the middle of the night?” he whispered.

“No, but…” I snickered, as he nibbled at my skin.

“I missed you,” he said.

“I miss you too… every moment you’re not around!”

He kissed me again, his hands wandering over my torso.

“Thomas! We can get married now!”

He froze for a second before he started moving again. “When?” he whispered.

“I don’t know… soon!”

“Soon…” he sighed against my back, greedily inhaling me.

I closed my eyes and let him.

“Next week,” he whispered. “Saturday’s both our half day.” He grinded his hips against me from behind.

I sighed pleasantly as he let his hand crawl over my thigh, pulling up my nightgown. “Yes. Saturday,” I whimpered.

He let his fingers travel up my thighs and into my drawers and I froze.

“Thomas,” I muttered. “Do you want to have children?”

“Yes, so many children,” he whispered, gently biting my neck.

I swallowed and reached down to stop his hand. “Let’s just sleep tonight.”

“What?” he pressed another kiss to my neck and ear and jaw.

“Sleep,” I repeated.

“You want to sleep?”

I nodded. He stiffened behind me and pulled back just a little. It made me want to cry out. I hadn’t meant to offend him! I took his hand and pulled it around myself again, pressing a kiss to his palm.

He relaxed then, making himself a little more comfortable.

“I love you,” I whispered.

He muttered something that might have meant he loved me too… but it might just as well have meant he hated me for refusing him when he had taken the risk to come to my room.

When I woke up again in the morning, Thomas was gone.

Which made me question whether I had dreamed the whole encounter or not. In any case, I had to… do something.

I managed to get out of the house around lunchtime, claiming I needed to take an important letter for Lady Mary to the Post Office in the village. So important, it couldn’t wait for the afternoon post.

I passed by the village Post Office without stepping inside. I had somewhere else to go.

Stepping into the Pharmacy felt odd. To know it was mine… I hadn’t quite realized it yet. The dark spot on the floor where… oil and blood had seeped into the wooden floorboards had been cleaned, but if one knew where to look… it was still plainly visible. I focused instead on Mr. Henderson, my tenant and new Pharmacist who was working behind the counter, mixing up something in the stone mortar while he was waiting for customers. The sound was so familiar… Peter had had me grind herbs to powders often enough.

I shook my head as if to get rid of the memories that threatened to come up and took a deep breath before I stepped towards the counter, clearing my throat to get his attention.

Mr. Henderson was a young man, just out of university and I hoped he was open minded about what I had to ask of him.

“Miss Green,” he greeted me nicely, turning towards me. “How are you this lovely day?” It was in fact a really lovely day, with the sun shining, brightly, despite the cold air outside.

“I’m quite alright. And you?”

“How could one not be alright with such fine weather, in such a fine village. I have to thank you and your brother again for giving me the chance to get settled here.”

I wanted to snort. Given him the chance... yes… it wasn’t at all because he had been the first to accept a female landlady.

“How may I be of assistance?”

“I have come to you about a matter of some… delicacy,” I muttered, nervously clearing my throat.

He looked at me inquiringly.

“Well… I have this friend… she is freshly married and… quite worried.”

“Worried? About what might I inquire?”

“She… has a family history of women dying in childbirth.”

“I see,” he nodded.

I swallowed. “So since she knew I knew you, she asked me to… inquire after… some… device to prevent pregnancy.”

“To prevent pregnancy!” He raised his eyebrows.

“She is quite scared, you see.”

He slowly nodded. “And what does your… friend’s husband think about it? Doesn’t he want an heir?”

I bit my lip nervously. “I haven’t yet talked to her about him… but… my friend is my main concern, as you will understand.”

“There are devices to prevent pregnancy, of course,” he slowly said. “But I’m reluctant to give them to a woman without her husband’s consent.”

“Don’t you find it’s a woman’s own choice whether she wants to bear children or not?”

He took a deep breath. “Don’t you think she should have thought about her fear before getting married, Miss Green?”

“She… well, yes, of course, but…” I sighed. “What if she already had a few children and didn’t want any more?”

“After she is freshly married?”

“Yes, well, it isn’t her first marriage, you see… I should have started with that.”

“You should have,” he agreed. “Is your friend aware those devices are quite costly?”

I nodded eagerly. Now this conversation was going in the right direction. “She does have the money.”

“Well then…” He moved to one of the once so familiar shelves and took a small, unmarked cardboard box. “The instructions are inside. And… tell her friend not to mention where she has got this device. This is a respectable business now!”

… now… as if it hadn’t been respectable when Peter had still owned it…

I wordlessly paid the price, it really WAS quite expensive, and put the small box into my pocket, making sure it was hidden.

Mr. Henderson had made it plainly obvious he hadn’t believed my lie, but given me what I wanted anyways. In exchange, I had acted as if I hadn’t seen how he had put half of the money I’d paid into his pocket as opposed to the cash register.

This way, we were both happy and I… could happily get married… and not fear getting pregnant…

**Author's Note:**

> I kind of feel a little bad for not writing Thomas gay, as he canonically is, but I wanted to write a love story and as I'm a female, I can't really put myself in the place of a gay man, so, for the sake of the story, I will write him as a bisexual. Which is hard enough in 1920.  
> Him being bisexual doesn't mean I have anything against gay men or anything. I don't care who does what with whom as long as all involved parties consent and enjoy themselves.


End file.
